Jyu-oh-sei parody episode 4

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At dinner, Ochre Ring’s Top talks to Chen.

Top: Anyway, don’t you think I’m great? I’m so MANLY and impressive that you really should be falling over yourself to get into bed with me.

Chen: I’m sorry, but I’d never even consider having a relationship with someone as generically designed as you.

Chen walks away. Thor and Tiz watch the exchange whilst eating their own meal.

Tiz: Top will never get anywhere with Chen. During the mating season, she nominated Third as her partner, but he refused. I guess he really is HARD GAY.

Top calls for Third.

Top: Third, go and do some meaningless task for me! That way I can bolster my ego and feel more secure in my position.

Third: Whatever you say, Top.

(Third: No matter how much you try to humiliate me, you cannot escape the fact that I am an OP character, and more good-looking than you.)

Later, Thor and Tiz are talking as they stare outside. Third approaches.

Tiz: Hey Third, we made a new Ring. It’s one for named OP characters only.

Third: Sounds good- how about you let me be your third? I have the name for it, after all.

Tiz: But you’re already the Third for Ochre Ring.

Third: I’m a capable man, so I can hold two jobs at once. After all, ‘holding’ things is something I’m very skilled at.

Tiz: In that case, you have to help us with our current mission of going to see Colin.

Third: Sure, why not? Let’s go.

Thor: But…

Third: There’s no need to feel threatened, Thor. You can still be alpha male.

The trio heads out, only to be stopped by Chen, who wants to talk to Third.

Chen: Third, I have to know- are you so HARD GAY that you couldn’t even sleep with me once?

Third: It’s pointless wanting to have my child; too much HARD GAY has left me infertile.

Chen: But I still need you! I can’t pretend to be a strong woman if I don’t have a REAL MAN to cling to! And this year, I don’t even want a child- in fact, Ilza has asked for some HARD YURI.

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Third: Well, I guess you can still be my woman. That means I can touch you any time I want, and still have HARD GAY.

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Later, Third and Rada take Thor and Tiz to Colin’s place on their hover-sleds.

Thor: I just don’t understand you. Are you HARD GAY or not?

Third: When you’re older, you’ll understand that sometimes people need both men and woman.

Thor: You’re BI?

Third: That’s pretty much it.

The party arrives at Colin’s secluded cave.

Tiz: Colin, we’ve come here for some exposition and explanation. Do you think you can help us?

Colin: Of course. I may live the life of a hermit in this cave, but thanks to the power of magic CCTV, I know everything. As a key player in galactic affairs, I happen to know that President Odin is an evil man who decided to frame your father and have him killed. You could have been killed too, but then we couldn’t have had this series.

Thor: In that case…activate Angst Mode!

Thor goes outside to angst and flashback until Tiz comes to interrupt him.

Tiz: Thor, we only have eleven episodes, so there isn’t really time for angst. Instead, we must skip all the side quests and focus on the main mission of your becoming Jyu Oh.

Third comes outside.

Third: Well, you just found out that your parents were killed by someone you trusted, but there’s no point dwelling on it. Let’s go home and have lunch.

Third starts walking away, only to be shot by a hidden sniper.

Thor: Third! You can’t die, Third- you’re a named OP character!

Whilst Rada fires a machine gun in the general direction of the sniper, Third gets up.

Third: That’s right, I’m too important to die. You see, under this incredibly thin shirt I am actually wearing a bullet proof vest.

Rada: Third, that generic sniper must have been one of Top’s assassins.

Third: Just as I thought; he’s jealous of my good looks. Anyway, let’s go home.

Thor: Go home? How can you say that after your own boss tried to kill you?

Third: You said it yourself- I can’t die.

As the others prepare to leave, Tiz says goodbye to Colin.

Colin: Before you go, I have one last piece of exposition for you. Using my magical powers of deduction, I can tell that Thor hasn’t had life extension surgery yet, and that means his health will deteriorate after the age of twenty. He’ll be lucky to reach thirty.

Tiz: Can’t the plot do anything to protect him?

Colin: Probably not.

Back at Ochre Ring, Top talks to the generic assassin.

Assassin: I shot him once from afar and then ran away, but there’s no doubt about it- he must be dead.

Top: Excellent. Everything is going to plan.

Third and the others return to the Ring.

(Top: Damn!!)

The next day, Thor and Tiz go out to see Colin again.

(Thor: Colin knows everything. Every time I have a question, I just need to go to his cave.)

Unfortunately, Colin has already been killed.

Tiz: Colin! What are we going to do about exposition now?

Thor and Tiz return home to talk to talk to Third.

Thor: Third, Colin has been killed!

Third: Oh well, he was old and living alone in a cave without a HARD GAY partner; it’s not like there was much left for him to live for.

That night, Top holds a banquet.

Top: Chen, I know you think you’re not worthy of a man like me, but I just want you to know that my bed is open for you any time.

Chen: I’d pick HARD YURI over you any day.

Third, Thor and Tiz stroll in, fashionably late.

Generic woman: Those three really stand out, don’t they?

Generic woman #2: They are the main characters, after all.

(Top: I’m sick of this! I’m in charge around here, so why do I have be treated like a supporting character?)

Top: Third! Get over here and show everyone that you’re my bitch!

Top throws his cup on the floor and gets Third to pick it up.

(Third: I must stay calm and show everyone what a petty idiot Top is.)

Top: You’re my underling! I’m the one who’s always on top, whether it’s in this Ring or in the bedroom!

Third: Of course, Top.

Top: Damn you!! Stop using your subtle verbal manoeuvrings to make me look like an idiot!

Top throws down his glass again, but Thor kicks it away.

Thor: Just who do you think you are? You’re not even a main character! If you can be a Top, then it must be such an easy job that even I could do it!

Third: Sounds like a Try to me! Go on, Thor, fight this guy- that way I don’t have to challenge him and ruin my good looks.

Top: Excellent. Let’s settle this in the arena, little boy

Tiz: Thor, what are you doing? I know we only have eleven episodes, but this is still too early for you to be fighting Top!

Thor: I didn’t meant to…

(Thor: That damn Third, he set me up! How dare he do such a thing to the main character?)

To be continued…

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