Le Chevalier d’Eon parody episode 10

Anna receives a letter from d’Eon.

(Anna: A letter from d’Eon! I thought he didn’t care about me, but he sent me this letter just so I could get some screen time!)

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D’Eon: Dear Anna, I hope you understand that this letter is not so much an indication of my affections for you as it is an excuse for use to save budget with flashbacks and looped animation of your reading my letter. Russia is an evil place, but never fear, I have been getting my daily quota of HARD GAY from my noble French comrades. I also find myself growing ever closer to my beloved sister, the only woman I could contemplate having an intimate relationship with.

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In Russia, the Four Musketeers wander through the palace whilst generic women stare at them.

Robin: I don’t feel comfortable with all these women staring at me.

Durand: One day, my boy, you will learn the advantages of being BI. Hey, d’Eon, I think that one is looking at you.

D’Eon: I’m not interested in generic women.

Robin: That one is looking at you, Durand.

Robin points to a servant. Durand tries to hide behind Teillagory, who refuses to cooperate.

Durand: What are you doing?

Teillagory: BI, eh? Since you’re clearly not interested in being loyal to me, I think I’ll leave you to that generic.

The Four Musketeers report to Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: I hope you have become accustomed to the way of life for Russian noblemen.

D’Eon: We try our best, but being an able Russian man and servicing the Empress is very different to HARD GAY with King Louis at home.

Elizabeth: Ah yes, anyway, on with the plot. Since he is but a minor boss, Bestuzhev is to be sent to Siberia; my fiftieth lover, the Captain of the Guard, shall arrange the details.

D’Eon: Bestuzhev is last week’s news- we must continue our tediously dragged out search for Voronzoff.

Elizabeth: Naturally you shall be allowed to do so.

The Captain of the Guard seems unhappy.

Elizabeth: Nameless Captain of the Guard, what’s wrong? Are you worried that you may have to be HARD GAY with these Frenchmen?

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Captain: Um, well…

Elizabeth: Do not dislike them; they are the main characters and thus interacting with them is necessary for those who want screen time. Besides, this one is the brother of Lia de Beaumont, whom I once asked to join my HARD YURI court. What do you think she said, d’Eon?

D’Eon: Although I do not know for sure, I am sure she would have declined in favour of serving King Louis.

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Elizabeth: Alas, you are correct. How I envy Louis, with all those strong young French men and women at his beck and call. Anyway, Captain, surely you cannot distrust allies of the great Lia.

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Captain: Of course not! I will aid in the searh for Voronzoff.

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Meanwhile, Pyotr is raging and beating up Catherine.

Pyotr: It cannot be my fault! I am an infallible man, whilst you are a mere woman!

Pyotr leaves, only to find Robespierre waiting outside.

(Robespierre: How dare this fool get screen time that could be devoted to me?)

Pyotr: What do you want?

Robespierre: I am here to tell you of a secret HARD GAY method which will help you to gain what you desire. Instead of merely blaming this all on Catherine, merely follow the direction of my HARD GAY Order, and you shall become Emperor of Russia.

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At an inn, Giuseppe, Lorenza and Voronzoff are planning evil.

Giuseppe: Voronzoff, do you want some HARD GAY?

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Voronzoff: I understand you require money for your services. I am afraid I cannot spare any just now.

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Giuseppe: I understand that you are saving your finances for your evil plans, but with a scheme as ambitious as yours, surely conquest is more important than abstinence? If you do not partake of HARD GAY, you will never get rid of the lingering attraction to Elizabeth that caused your last plan to fail.

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Voronzoff: I’ve heard enough. I’m leaving.

Giuseppe: I don’t think so. In the end, you are just another mid boss- Lorenza, give him the power of the Psalm.

Lorenza: HARD power, transfer to Voronzoff!

Voronzoff screams in pain as he receives the power of the Psalm of the King.

Meanwhile, the Four Musketeers search through documents for clues to Voronzoff’s location.

Durand: We’ve uncovered nothing in these dull documents.

Teillagory: And now I’m too tired for HARD GAY.

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D’Eon: Looking through papers isn’t exciting enough for the viewers. Let’s just search through St Petersburg and see what we find.

Durand: Even with our HARD GAY powers, we don’t have the stamina to seduce every man in Russia in the hopes of finding a lead.

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A letter is delivered to d’Eon.

Durand: D’Eon, is that a letter from a new lover?

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D’Eon: Unfortunately not, however it might be just the clue we need to advance the plot.

Upon reading the letter, it seems to be just that.

At the Imperial Court, Elizabeth tries to explain her plans for a parliament composed of her lovers.

Noble: A parliament? What is that?

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Elizabeth: It is too late to complain- all old and ugly nobles will be replaced by my fit young lovers.

A generic enters.

Generic: My men have found Voronzoff! We must mobilise immediately.

Elizabeth: Inform the French knights immediately, for they are far more capable than Russian generics.

As it turns out, the letter has already directed the Four Musketeers to Voronzoff. D’Eon accepts a one-on-one Dynasty Warriors style duel with Voronzoff whilst everyone else stands and watches. They draw their ‘swords’ and begin duelling, until d’Eon gets in an underarm blow.

Voronzoff: Activate Escape Mode!

D’Eon follows Voronzoff.

Voronzoff: Commence Battle Phase 2.

D’Eon: Why did you betray Elizabeth? I know you still have feelings for her.

Voronzoff: You can never understand how I feel- as an ugly and generic looking character, I knew I had no hope of ever becoming a hero. Choosing to be a villain was the only way to guarantee myself some screen time!

D’Eon: You’re right; a main character like me can’t understand that kind of thinking.

D’Eon injures Voronzoff again.

Voronzoff: Magical Healing Powers! Restore my HP to maximum!

Voronzoff continues backing away as d’Eon advances.

D’Eon: Then why did you kill all those women in Paris?

Voronzoff: I hate women, for they remind me of the pain of my relationship with Elizabeth.

D’Eon: And did you hate Lia too?

Voronzoff: Yes, yes I did.

Enraged, d’Eon chases after Voronzoff as he runs into the depths of the building. Doors closes, blocking the exit, whilst old weapons and suits of armour come to life and start attacking Robin, Durand and Teillagory.

Teillagory: I only like swords when there’s a man wielding them!

Inside, d’Eon and Voronzoff face off for Battle Phase 3 on an especially prepared stage.

Voronzoff: I was not the one who killed Lia; I am not important enough for that.

(Lia: D’Eon, let me take over.)

Outside, Giuseppe and Lorenza wait for the results of battle.

Lorenza: Lia is coming! The HARD YURI power is incredible!

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D’Eon: No, Lia! I am the main character!

In the end, d’Eon cannot resist Lia.

Lia: At last, I am out again! Now, cower and do nothing as I pose for the camera!

Elsewhere, Elizabeth sits down to dinner with her lovers. She does not notice that they look a little grey.

Elizabeth: Okay then, let’s begin the mass orgy, er, I mean the first session of the new Parliament…

Elizabeth realises something is amiss just as Robespierre reveals himself.

Robespierre: I am sorry, but your way of taking lovers goes against my HARD GAY principles. I must have your blood.

The grey lovers rise up, having been turned into HARD GAY Gargoyles. They lurch slowly towards Elizabeth whilst she stands and does nothing.

Elizabeth: With my lovers now turned into hideous Gargoyles, I have nothing left to live for. Do as you will.

Robespierre: Very well, then. I shall kill you and thus reserve more screen time for myself.

As Elizabeth’s lovers kill her, Robespierre uses a drop of the blood to activate his magical tome.

To be continued…