Jyu-oh-sei parody episode 6

Using the magic of television, the story has jumped ahead several years.

Zagi’s people (Blanc Ring) attack Night Ring. Zagi confronts its Top, Jeso.

Jeso: You won’t defeat me so easily!

Zagi: Who are you kidding? I’m an OP character, whilst this is your first appearance.

A messenger from Night Ring makes his way to Ochre Ring in order to meet up with Thor, Tiz and Third (now Top, Second and Third of Ochre Ring).

Thor: Look at me; I’ve gone through puberty; now I’m a fifteen year old MAN with a deep voice!

Tiz: And I’m all woman, with large assets.

Messenger: I bring you important plot-related information- Blanc Ring has attacked Night Ring and killed our Top. Before he died, Jeso asked me to come here and ask that the main character stand against their leader, the Blanc Wolf.

Later, Thor talks to Third.

Third: Your main character powers have really helped us out, Thor. You’ve expanded our territory, ensured that food and water are plentiful, and given our Ring the most screen time.

Thor: Don’t think that I’ve grown complacent during these few years offscreen; I still plan to become Jyu Oh.

Third: Just what I wanted to hear. Luckily for us, Blanc Ring is going after Sun Ring next. We can just sit back and take out whoever wins.

Thor: Does that sound like the sort of thing a righteous main character should do to you?

Tiz enters.

Tiz: Sorry to interrupt, but it’s time to advance the plot again. This time we need to go and meet Sun Ring’s Top at a random location. All three of us should go, leaving the Ring completely without its leaders.

Thor, Tiz and Third head out into the snow to meet Yuuki, leader of Sun Ring. They meet him in a ruined village.

Thor: I recognise this; it’s the Ruins tileset from RPG Maker…now with added snow!

Yuuki: Thor, I’m so glad to meet the main character- and I love what you’ve done to your hair.

Thor: Oh, I just made it platinum blonde so that I would be more recognisable from a distance. I’d never want to be mistaken for a generic.

Yuuki: Anyway, let’s get down to business. We need to do something about Blanc Ring; what say you and I team up to oppose their leader, the Blanc Wolf?

Thor: Hmm, your character design is more generic than I’d like, but I guess there’s no harm in it for now.

Yuuki: In that case, let’s get down to more important business. Third, I have something to ask you- are you HARD GAY?

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Third: I’m afraid it hasn’t been the same ever since Chen left me.

Yuuki: Ah, I was afraid that would be the case. Well, after that last Try four years ago she had to have her leg amputated, but now she’s conveniently waiting for you in yet another abandoned village to the east.

Tiz: I can’t believe that a named OP character could lose their leg.

Yuuki: Poor Chen, she tried to be an independent woman, but in the end she had to return to the protection of men.

Yuuki’s underling enters.

Underling: Top, Chen has left already.

Yuuki: Quick, Third, you must go to her.

Third: Now that I have learnt that she lost her leg, I am no longer interested in Chen. You can have her, for it’s back to reliable old HARD GAY for me.

Thor: Third, if you keep saying things like that, you’re just going to alienate the audience. Come on, let’s go and see Chen.

Despite supposedly having started to go back, Yuuki is talking to Chen in the house she was originally waiting in.

Yuuki: Chen, there’s no need to worry. Even though you are apparently one-legged and wasting away, you still look much the same, and even have an artificial limb that we somehow procured on this backwater planet.

Chen: Yuuki, I’m just tired of everything. I don’t want to keep pumping out children.

Gunshots are heard outside.

Yuuki: Chen, be a good woman and hide upstairs.

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Whilst Chen goes upstairs, Yuuki looks outside and sees that Zagi and his men have killed his generics. Whilst Chen shoots at them from upstairs, Yuuki also opens fire.

Zagi: You may kill my generics, but you won’t kill me that way! If you want to fight, let’s have a proper boss battle!

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Yuuki: All right, then, let’s do this man-to-man- swords at the ready!

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Yuuki draws his ‘sword’ and ‘comes’ at Zagi, who easily dodges.

Yuuki: Stop dodging and draw your sword already; that’s manlier than running away until your Musou bar is charged.

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Zagi: Say what you like, but my HP is still at maximum.

Enraged, Yuuki charges at Zagi, who draws a sword at the last moment and blocks the blow.

Yuuki: So, you do have a sword after all- but that move won’t work on me twice.

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(Zagi: That fool, can’t he see that I’m an OP character and he’s just some generic who was introduced this episode?)

Yuuki attacks again and breaks Zagi’s sword.

Yuuki: I’ve won! Nothing can possibly go wrong now!

Yuuki charges again, but Zagi throws his cloak over him and attacks with a hidden blade attached to his arm.

Yuuki: I’m dying, dying!

Chen: Damn you! Now I’ll have to point my gun at you but pass up the opportunity to actually shoot you.

Zagi: You’re all fools, playing by the rules of the plot. By defying those rules and doing the obvious instead, I shall be victorious.

Chen: In that case, I will have to shoot.

Zagi: I don’t think so.

As Chen goes to shoot, Zagi’s underling Kevin emerges from where he was waiting patiently, and shoots the gun out of her hand.

Zagi: Kill her.

Yuuki: No, she’s an OP character!

As Kevin fires, Yuuki magically finds the energy to block the bullets and save Chen.

Chen: Yuuki!

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Yuuki: So, you really do care about me…and here I wasted my life on HARD GAY.

Zagi: Keivn, stop giving them time for fond farewells and just shoot the damn woman!

Thor, Tiz and Third appear, guns pointed at Kevin and Zagi.

Tiz: Didn’t you hear the man? You shouldn’t kill her- she’s a named OP character.

(Thor: This man is the Blanc Wolf, but with that mask obscuring the lower half of his face, I can’t be sure if he really is that man name Zagi who I met several years ago.)

Chen: Tiz, Yuuki is dead!

Tiz: Oh no, Yuuki! Let’s have an emotional moment for him, a random character who barely had ten minutes of screen time!

Thor approaches Zagi.

Thor: Breaking the rules of battle like that is unforgivable.

Zagi: Now really, you may pretend to be righteous and honourable now, but weren’t you the one who abandoned your own brother at the beginning of the series?

Zagi removes his mask.

Thor: I didn’t recognise you before, but now I can plainly see that you are Zagi!

Zagi: Thor, come and meet me alone at Dagger Pagoda tomorrow- I promise you’ll have a good time, if you know what I mean. And now, Smoke Bomb!

Zagi and his underlings escape under the cover of a smoke bomb.

Thor: Don’t shoot- he promised me some HARD GAY!

Thor and the others return home, where Thor talks to Third in his room.

Thor: I thought I’d finally got over Rai’s death, but still he haunts me. Why can’t everyone just forget about him and concentrate on me, the main character?

Third: It looks like Zagi has you confused.

Thor: The Zagi I knew for five minutes was a kind man, not a beast.

Third: Remember this, Thor- in the bedroom, all men are beasts.

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To be continued…