Jyu-oh-sei parody episode 7

In the depths of space, Captain Heimdall reports to Odin.

Heimdall: Sir, should we begin Operation Midgard?

Odin: Ah, an evil scheme worthy of a final villain such as myself. Of course, we must go ahead with it, but more than that, I want my magic CCTV operational- it only seems to be displaying numbers at the moment.

Loki: I am a kindly scientist, so I must lodge a protest at the evilness of this plan.

Odin: Your objection is noted and duly ignored. Ah, if only Klein were here…oh wait, I was the one who ordered his death.

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Back on Chimera, Thor is heading out to meet Zagi, but Tiz is waiting for him.

Tiz: Thor, you can’t head out to a boss battle alone- if you die, it’ll be game over.

Thor and Tiz ride out to Dagger Pagoda.

Tiz: We have to be careful of Zagi- he’s an outsider who doesn’t respect our pointless and arbitrary rules.

Tiz and Thor land at Dagger Pagoda and meet Zagi.

Zagi: Hey, I thought I said to come alone for some man to man HARD GAY.

Tiz: Did you really think I’d let you be HARD GAY with my husband?

Thor: It’s okay Zagi, we’ll leave the woman behind in the freezing cold snow and have a private chat.

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Thor and Zagi do so.

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Zagi: Thor, now that we are on our first date, I can start revealing details about my past. You see, I only actually committed a crime worthy of lesser prison planet Hecate, but whilst there, I broke into a facility of evil and saw ten generations of frozen Jyu Oh.

Thor: You bothered to count them?

Zagi: The point is that becoming Jyu Oh is worthless! You just get stuck in the deep freeze for some random reason!

Thor: No…that can’t be right! The whole plot of this series is supposed to be based around my becoming Jyu Oh and returning to the colony in triumph!

Zagi: Don’t despair, Thor, I have thought up an alternate plot- one where you and I become the HARD GAY rulers of this planet. You see, you are the only one here who I would consider worthy of my bed.

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Zagi realises someone is eavesdropping and calls out. Tiz reveals herself.

Tiz: I’m sorry, Thor, but I was worried about the potential for HARD GAY…

Zagi: I have to admit that HARD GAY outside can get a little cold sometimes. Let’s go back to Night Ring and continue our ‘meeting’ there.

Tiz: Thor, you can’t go!

Thor: I’m sorry, Tiz, but the prospect of HARD GAY with Zagi intrigues me.

Thor and Zagi goes to leave, but Tiz spots some generics hiding in the cliffs.

Tiz: Thor, watch out!

Generics: Die, named character!

(Thor: For the sake of HARD GAY, I must protect Zagi!)

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Thor throws Zagi to the ground just as the generics open fire. Before anyone can react further, however, the unknown woman from the OP jumps down and captures the men.

(Thor: An OP character!)

The woman orders her own generics to kill the attacking generics.

Zagi: Thor, why did you protect me? Could it be that you have feelings for me after all?

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Thor: Don’t get cocky- I’m only after you for your body.

Zagi: Then I guess you’re an idiot, since there’s so much more to me than that.

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The woman, Karin, reports to Zagi.

Zagi: Karin, I thought I told you this was a HARD GAY males-only meeting.

(Thor: A woman…is he BI?)

Thor, Zagi, Karin and Tiz go to Night Ring’s stronghold. As they wander through the outskirts of the Night Ring buildings, Tiz trips over a corpse.

Zagi: Oh, you’ll have to excuse the mess- I never was much good at clearing up. And in case you’re wondering, I’m not as evil as I’m made out to be- Night Ring was planning to attack us first. They should have known better than to target named OP characters. Now, Karin, take Tiz away to the women’s block; it’s time for some more HARD GAY.

Thor and Zagi go inside. Zagi prepares a drink for Thor.

Zagi: Here, try my special sake and juice mix- the perfect cocktail to kick start a night of HARD GAY.

Meanwhile, Karin takes Tiz to her room.

Karin: This is your room. Just wait here like a good girl.

Tiz: Hey, wait a minute- if you’re going back, then I should too. I love Thor as much as you love Zagi.

Karin: Everyone loves Zagi- since he is BI, it doesn’t matter to him if you’re a man or a woman.

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After enjoying some HARD GAY, Thor and Zagi get down to business.

Zagi: Anyway, as I was saying earlier, I’ve been coming up with some ideas for the plot, and I’ve decided that Chimera needs to declare its independence. For that, I’ll need you as my beautiful and charismatic HARD GAY partner.

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Thor: So what, you’re just using me? I am the main character, you know!

Zagi: You may be the main character, but can you really say you have any ideas better than becoming Jyu Oh and getting frozen?

Karin enters.

Karin: I’m sorry to interrupt your HARD GAY, but Ochre’s Second is getting very worried.

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Thor: I suppose she’s getting jealous again. I’d better go and see to her.

After Thor leaves, Zagi slaps Karin.

Zagi: Foolish woman, how dare you disrupt the best HARD GAY I’ve ever had?

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Karin: Top, that man, he isn’t right for you! He’ll use you up and throw you away once he’s bored with you!

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As Zagi and Karin continue arguing, Thor returns.

Thor: Now, now, there’s no need to fight over me. I’m sure we can work out an equitable threesome.

Zagi: No, this woman should learn that sleeping with me is not a right, but a privilege. Karin, you must leave.

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Karin: Zagi!

Zagi: Thor, you should go. I’m not in the mood for HARD GAY anymore.

Zagi leaves.

Karin: I- I just wanted to tell him how dangerous it is to trifle with the main character! Besides, if he becomes too obsessed with HARD GAY with you, no one else will be able to get any.

Thor: Zagi is a fickle man; although I may be flavour of the month now, I’m well aware that he’ll dump me once he’s had enough.

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Karin: You idiot! Since you’re the main character, if Zagi dumps you, he’ll be the one to suffer.

Karin runs off. Thor goes to Tiz.

Tiz: Thor, what’s wrong?

Thor: It seems as if the plotline that I tried to follow for over half the series was entirely pointless. Now all I can do is agree to be HARD GAY with Zagi and see where it leads.

Tiz: Thor, I thought that you and I were an item! Let’s just settle down here and pump out a few kids.

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(Thor: Tiz, you are an important named character, but I am not interested in having children with you when HARD GAY is available.)

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Outside, some generics discuss the fact that Karin has gone missing.

Thor: Since I’m the main character, I’ll accept the mission of going after her. Tiz, you wait here.

Tiz: Wait, Thor…are you going after another woman this time?

Thor randomly runs off into the blizzard to find Karin.

(Thor: This shouldn’t be too hard- randomly running off is my speciality, after all.)

Indeed, in short order, Thor stumbles across Karin, who has collapsed in the storm.

Thor: Karin, go back to the stronghold- a named character shouldn’t risk themselves in this way.

Karin: What’s the point of living if Zagi won’t sleep with me?

Karin magically finds the strength to get up and start walking away again, only to step onto some thin ice. As Thor tries to rescue her, the ice cracks, and both fall into a chasm. What an exciting cliffhanger.

To be continued…