Jyu-oh-sei parody episode 8

Third is looking at adult videos in the control room when Rada knocks on the door.

Rada: Third, Thor and Tiz have gone again.

Third: Damn, when will they learn to stop leaving me behind- I hardly had any screen time last episode. I guess I’d better go after them.

Rada: Hey, what were you doing in here in the first place?

Third: Uh, nothing…

Third goes off to find Thor and Tiz. Meanwhile, Thor has awakened at the bottom of the ravine.

Thor: Thank goodness I’m a main character- that didn’t hurt at all. Now to find Karin.

Fortunately, Karin is only a short way away. Thor awakens her.

Thor: Thank goodness you’re uninjured.

Karin: I’m a named character too, you know- it’s just that I like randomly lying around until a man comes along to wake me up.

Back at Night Ring, Tiz is worried about Thor.

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Tiz: Thor, as long as I’m not there to stop you, who knows what sort of HARD GAY activities you might get up to? You might even end up with that other woman- she is one of the few named females in the series, after all.

As soon as the blizzard eases up, Tiz rushes outside to search for Thor.

Tiz: Thor, you won’t get away from me that easily!

In the ravine, Thor tries to climb out, but the roots break under his weight.

Thor: I should have known the plot wouldn’t make it that easy. Still, these roots must have water running through them; we can survive if I cut them open.

Thor tries to cut open a root with his beam knife, but to no avail.

Thor: Damn, why did the roots that broke so easily when I climbed them suddenly attain the toughness of steel?

(Thor: I guess we’ll be okay since we’re both named OP characters, but if we spend the rest of the series in this ravine, it won’t be very interesting.)

Karin: At least you have a reason to get out of here, but now that Zagi has chosen you as his partner instead of me, I have nothing to live for.

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Thor: Karin, you’ve misunderstood- just because I’m with Zagi doesn’t mean that I can’t have a relationship with you too!

Karin: That’s not what I want!

Karin uses her mini-harpoons to attack Thor.

Thor: Karin, attacking me is pointless- I’m the main character!

Thor does not even bother to dodge Karin’s attacks.

Karin: Why didn’t you evade my attacks? Surely your stats must be high enough for that.

Thor: Karin, if I wanted to I could easily defeat you, but I know the audience doesn’t want that. Besides, if truth be told, I don’t really want Zagi as my partner; someone who spends so much time attending to himself can never give the best HARD GAY to others.

(Thor: I must tread carefully here, for I want Karin to be mine.)

Karin: Just a minute ago, I wanted to kill you, but now I have changed my mind.

Thor looks over to where his beam knife has somehow become embedded in the roots. A strange moss is growing around it.

Thor: I knew the plot would provide; this soft mossy section is easy to penetrate- perhaps we can get out after all!

Thor breaks open a hole in the vines, leading to an underground, water-filled cavern.

Thor: A sealed underground cavern- somehow this means we’re saved!

Up on the surface, Zagi and his generics are randomly wandering around when Third lands beside them.

(Third: Zagi, you may be prominent in the OP, but I am still better looking than you.)

(Zagi: Third, you may have had more screen time than me, but I am more HARD GAY than you.)

Zagi: If you’re looking for Thor, he isn’t here.

Third: I thought he might have come here for HARD GAY, but I guess he wouldn’t do that when he’s got me.

Zagi: Actually, if you must know, he went out to look for my former Second. He seemed quite passionate about her, so I doubt he’ll even need you any more.

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Third: Her? You had a female Second?

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Zagi: Yes- you may be pure HARD GAY, but I am BI.

Third: Anyway, how long has he been gone?

Zagi: Oh, about a day or so. Anyone else would be dead by now, but since he’s the main character I guess there’s a good chance he’s still alive.

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Third: Well, much as I’d like to stay and chat with you in the freezing cold, I really should go and look for him.

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Third departs on his air bike. Meanwhile, Thor and Karin have made their way into the water-filled chamber.

Thor: For some reason, I know that these roots will support us as we climb out. It’ll only take two days of exhausting and back-breaking labour- shall we go?

Karin: Thor, this probably isn’t the best time to bring this up, but I actually find you attractive. I mean, five minutes ago I said that I only lived for Zagi, but the truth is, I liked you from the first moment we met.

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(Thor: Thor scores again! Named females may be few and far between, but I certainly have a way with them.)

Thor: That’s good to know, er, I mean, I find you attractive too.

Karin: Thor, I’m so jealous of you; as the main character, you can get any partner you want! I wish I could be you.

Thor: I’m afraid that’s not possible, but would you settle for being a member of my harem? It’s the next best thing.

Thor and Karin kiss.

Karin: Actually, come to think of it, it’s too soon to start another relationship. I should just stay down here and angst about Zagi for a while.

Thor: Karin, I’d love to oblige you, but this is only an eleven episode series- we just don’t have time for that kind of angst.

Karin: Oh well, in that case, we should climb out.

Magic Fast Forward Mode activates, and in the very next scene, Thor and Karin have reached the surface.

Karin: That was even faster than I imagined.

Thor: That’s just one of the many advantages of sticking close to the main character. Anyway, now that we’re above ground, let’s indulge in some cheesy romantic dialogue, shall we?

Tiz appears.

(Thor: Damn that Tiz, how dare she ruin my moment with Karin?)

(Tiz: What’s he doing with another woman? When will he learn to be faithful to me?)

Tiz: Hey Thor, I’ve been randomly wandering around in the freezing cold for days just because of you!

Thor: Yes, yes, I’m sure it was terrible, but the important thing is that I’m all right.

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Tiz: I can see that- were you with her all this time?

Thor: Tiz, I’m not sure how to break this to you, so I might as well be direct. I care more about this woman I met two days ago than I do about you.

Third and Chen appear. As Tiz runs away, Chen follows her.

Chen: Tiz, wait! I agreed to appear in this episode purely for the purpose of having a woman-to-woman talk with you!

Tiz: It’s just not fair. I’m already 17 years old- at this rate I’ll be an old woman before I have Thor’s child!

Chen: I know it hurts, but at times like these, you have to focus on what’s important- namely the plot. You have to stay by Thor’s side both for the sake of the story and your screen time.

Back at Night Ring, Thor, Zagi, Third and Karin confer.

Thor: I still don’t like your idea, but since I haven’t been able to come up with a better plot, I guess I’ll go along with it for now.

Zagi: In that case, we’ll talk to Juno about Chimera’s independence. You’ll go to Hecate as Jyu Oh, and I’ll be your Second. Oh, and by the way, you shouldn’t have chosen Karin over me- my HARD GAY would have been far superior to anything she could give you.

Later, Third talks privately to Thor.

Third: Thor, how can you go along with Zagi? He’s meant to be an antagonist!

Thor: Third, we’re running out of time. There are only three episodes after this, and I can’t think up a decent plot.

Third: Why not stick with the original plot of becoming Jyu Oh under your own terms?

Thor: It’s too late to bother with all that, especially if Zagi’s exposition was correct. It won’t be perfect, but we just have to finish the series as best we can.

To be continued…