Jyu-oh-sei parody episode 10

Thor, Tiz and Third talk to the generics inside Dagger Pagoda.

Generic: Wow, I never imagined that you’d be so good looking.

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(Thor: Is this guy trying to hit on me? He should know that I’m only interested in named characters.)

Generic: Anyway, as of now, you have been pardoned- you may leave the prison planet Chimera in order to go and live on the prison planet Hecate.

Everyone gets on the Dagger Pagoda elevator.

(Thor: This is the plot outcome I wanted, but I feel as I can hear a voice saying “don’t go”. Is it the voice of the plot?)

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The elevator stops at Chimera space port. Dr. Loki is waiting.

Loki: Okay, generics, you can go now- the leads should be dealt with by named characters. Hello, everyone, I am Doctor Loki, a stereotypical researcher. Follow me to reach an Exposition Point.

The trio follow Loki, but Captain Heimdall and more generics appear.

Generic: I’m sorry, but only the main character is worthy of an audience with Odin.

Tiz: Thor, I won’t be left behind again! What if you get up to more HARD GAY behind my back?

Thor: It’ll be okay…whatever happens, I’ll still treat you in the same uncaring way.

Thor is led away.

Heimdall: Well done, Third- or should I say Lt Sigurd Heiza- you have successfully completed your assigned task of being generally manipulative and evil.

Tiz: Third!? I would never have guessed such an open and honest person could be evil.

Thor is taken to see Odin.

Odin: Ah, Thor, it’s been five years since we last met, during which time I have become older and uglier.

Thor: Odin!

Odin: Are you angry? I guess it’s not unexpected, since I did kill your parents and strand you on a hostile planet with your brother.

(Thor: I had a brother? I must have forgotten about that.)

Odin: You know, if you want to kill me, that’s fine- just as long as my final wish is carried out.

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Thor: Final wish?

Odin: Why, dear boy, to be HARD GAY with you!

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Thor shoves Odin away.

Thor: As if I would ever be HARD GAY with someone as old and ugly as you!

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Loki: Exposition Mode on! Now seems as good a time as any to explain that our researchers have discovered that an excess of HARD GAY means that humanity will be extinct within 50 years.

Thor: Then Chimera…

Odin: It isn’t just a prison planet, it is a place in which people can become BI and breed again.

Thor: And the frozen Jyu-ohs?

Odin: They are important samples of BI, which we use to artificially breed BI offspring to be returned to Chimera.

Thor: Isn’t this all a little convoluted?

Odin: Don’t you dare criticise my ultimate plan of evil!

Thor: I get it…this is all about breeding the perfect HARD GAY partner for you, isn’t it?

Thor throws Odin to the ground. Generics appear and aim their guns at him.

Odin: Don’t shoot! He is my destined HARD GAY partner- the culmination of generations of breeding!

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Thor lets go of Odin.

Odin: Yes, that’s right, Thor, you were the perfect HARD GAY man we strove to achieve. The people you thought were your parents were not even related to you- Rai was their real son. That was why he was so inferior that he had to die in the first episode.

Thor: This makes no sense- if I’m not related to mother and this brother you keep talking about, why did we look so alike?

Odin: I can explain that too; you see, to make this revelation a bit of a surprise, the special plot device known as Magic DNA made you look like your surrogate family.

Thor sinks to his knees.

Thor: I can’t believe it…to think the truth behind this series would be so ridiculous…

Odin: I’m not finished yet, for I must also mention that we always intended to test the extent of your HARD GAY and BI tendencies by sending you to Chimera to refine them- and when your parents refused, we killed them.

Thor: Mother…father…

Odin: Anyway, enough talk- the important thing is to breed from you as much as possible.

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Thor: If it involves beautiful women, count me in.

Third arrives, now altered to look like a short-haired Thor.

Odin: Allow me to introduce Lt. Sigurd Heiza, known to you as Third. He originally auditioned for the part of main character, but had to alter his appearance when he was cast in a supporting role. His mission was to keep the plot moving in the right direction.

Thor: You…you killed Karin, didn’t you?

Third: Has it really taken you all that time to figure it out?

Thor: Damn, I just don’t get what this series is supposed to be about any more.

Later, Third is told he will be part of the delegation to go to Earth as he wanted.

Third: Since it’s the penultimate episode of the series, what better time to stop and have a Flashback Mode? Ever since I was young, I always wanted to go to the Earth. Although it has never been mentioned before, this is the driving force behind my character.

Loki takes Thor back to the room where Tiz is waiting.

Tiz: Thor, are you okay? Did they wear you out with HARD GAY?

Loki: From now on, he’ll be participating in all our HARD GAY experiments.

Tiz: Get out.

Loki: I’ll come for you tomorrow, Thor.

Thor and Tiz are left alone.

Thor: How could this happen? I’m the main character, but I’ve only just learned the truth behind everything in this, the penultimate episode! I may as well give up on being the lead and become a generic.

Tiz: Thor, you mustn’t become disheartened now- the series will be ending soon anyway.

Thor: You’re right. Let’s just go back to Chimera and have children.

Loki reports to Odin.

Odin: Where’s Thor?

Loki: In the cabin.

Odin: We must begin the HARD GAY DNA extraction at once, for I must make an entire generation of perfect HARD GAY partners to tend to me in my old age. After that, we must increase Chimera’s self-rotation rate.

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Loki: Isn’t that an incredibly evil and pointless course of action that will kill most of the people living on Chimera?

Odin: Of course it is- you can’t be a final boss without a pointless and evil plan! If you try to stop me, I will deal with you as well!

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Loki: You…I always knew you were an evil final boss, but never did I once assume that you were an evil final boss!

Loki draws a gun.

Loki: I can’t believe I slept with such an evil man! This is the last time I fire my ‘pistol’ at you!

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Loki fires at Odin, who theatrically takes the bullet and falls to his knees. As if on cue, the generics only rush in after Odin has been shot. They restrain Loki.

Heimdall: Sir, are you okay?

Odin: I have sustained a bullet wound in a vital area, but nonetheless I have enough stamina left to theatrically stagger around and play the part of the final boss.

Odin goes over to his control panel and enters a simple key sequence.

Odin: Activate Ultimate Plan of Evil!

Computer: Ultimate Plan of Evil- Start!

In the cabin…

Tiz: Thor, what’s going on?

Thor: I don’t know, but it might be some kind of Ultimate Plan of Evil. Since we’re main characters, we should go and see.

They leave the cabin and run into Third.

Third: Hi guys, let’s forget all about that betraying your confidence thing and go and see what’s going on.

Thor: Sure, why not? Do you know anything about this Ultimate Plan of Evil?

Third: As a matter of fact, I do. It is a pointless and scientifically unsound plan to accelerate Chimera’s self rotation in the hopes of providing the optimal environment for raising your HARD GAY offspring.

Thor, Tiz and Third reach the control room.

Thor: What have you done? Switch it off immediately!

Odin: Idiot boy, I just switched it on! This is my Ultimate Evil Plan- I can’t be a final boss without one!

Loki: My last act of exposition shall be to tell you what to do. In order to ensure a dramatic finale, the plan cannot be switched off from here; instead, you must go to the Valkyrie on Hecate.

Thor: How long do we have?

Third: Just two hours- any longer and it would be too easy.

(Thor: At last I’ve found my destined role in the plot!)

Thor: It is clearly my duty to stop it; Third, you can come with me in case I need HARD GAY on the way there.

Third: I don’t actually obey your orders, but since I want the screen time I shall come along anyway.

Thor: Tiz, you’re just a woman so you can go back to Chimera and wait for me to save the day.

Thor gets dressed into his “Saving the Day” costume, before heading out with Third, Loki, Heimdall and some generics. They leave for Hecate on a sphere known as “The Ball”.

To be concluded…

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