For months I have been going on about the impending demise of my laptop, and it seems that the poor thing has finally demanded retirement, forcing me to order an expensive but hopefully eminently worthy “laptop of the gods2 that must last at least five years.
What we want to happen to Raki in Claymore
Even though I’m assured Raki’s role will be cut back in the future, I was already inspired by last week’s comments to create a special section detailing how Raki could have already been written out in the first four episodes of Claymore.
After Clare defeats the Yoma, Raki is left all alone, with no family.
Raki: Oh no, my brother was a Yoma and now I’ve got no one left! What should I do?
Clare: Sorry I had to kill him, but that’s life, kid.
Clare starts walking away.
Raki: But now I’m all alone! How am I going to support myself?
Clare: Yeah, you might want to think about getting a job.
Clare picks up the pace.
Raki: Hey, wait! You’re supposed to feel responsible and take me with you!
Clare: What was that? I couldn’t quite hear you.
Raki: I thought Claymores had superior abilities.
Clare: Nope, I really can’t hear a thing you’re saying. Well, goodbye.
Clare breaks into a run, leaving Raki well behind. The apparently dead Yoma brother stirs and grabs Raki’s leg.
Yoma: Well, bro, looks like you and I will be having plenty of HARD GAY together.
Clare is about to kill her fellow Claymore before she turns into a Yoma when Raki runs towards her.
Raki: Wait, you can’t do this! Main characters are supposed to find another way! CLARE!!!!!!!
Not realising that Raki is behind her, Clare swings her sword and decapitates him.
Clare: Hmm, I thought I heard something.
Raki: Isn’t it great, Clare? In this episode we get to pretend we’re brother and sister.
(Clare: This is so embarrassing.)
After an episode of running around, Clare decides to defy the script and set her own trap for catching the Yoma.
Clare: Okay, Raki, I want you to act as bait.
Raki: This will be safe, won’t it? You’ll protect me, right?
Clare: Yes…yes, of course I’ll protect you.
The Yoma is lured out, but with the help of the two warriors, it is defeated before Raki is harmed.
Raki: I was worried there for a moment, but I knew Clare wouldn’t let anything happen to me.
(Clare: Damn, looks like it’s time to switch to plan B.)
Clare: Oh, by the way, Raki, I’ve arranged with the bishop to have you stay here.
Raki: You what? But I want to go with you!
By the time Raki has finished speaking, Clare has already disappeared over the rooftops. The bishop approaches.
Bishop: Well, it looks like I’ve got someone new to warm my bed tonight.
Fanfiction suggestions for SaiMono
There is much amusement to be had from trawling the depths of Fanfiction.net, but when it comes to SaiMono, it seems that the writers are letting us down- they are far too busy with Reishin X Kouyuu, Shuurei X Ryuuki and the like to bring us what we need- solutions to some of the greatest mysteries of the series. It is for this reason that I have put together suggestions as to what I would like to see in future SaiMono fanfiction.rn
- “Shouka: The Mystery of the Closed Eyes”- find out how and why Shouka is able to lead his life without ever opening his eyes.
- “Yuushun and Rin: The Early Years”- the details of their ten year love.
- “Seiran and HORSE: A Guilty Pleasure”- just what is the connection between Seiran and those brown horses?
- “Tales of the Condors”- amusing standalone stories about the young Condors.
- “Kouyuu: A Day Spent Trying to Find the Bathroom”- Kouyuu gets lost in the palace, with disastrous consequences.
- “Ryuuren’s Fashion Tips”- follow Ryuuren as he picks out his rather unique wardrobe.
- “Soujun vs. Wood”- Soujun decides to have a showdown with his greatest rival.
And now, for a taste of my own SaiMono fanfic rip-off: “Seiran slowly unsheathed his blade. “How do you like it, Ryuuki?” he whispered, his hot breath playing over his lover”s ear. “From behind, ani-ue,” was the excited reply.”
Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha StrikerS 5
“Sorry, I’m only interested in women.”
“Two Hand Mode is only for large weapons and extremes of Self Pleasure.”
Fate plans her next conquest.
“Gwakaka, marvel at my futuristic magic CCTV setup!”
Generic hears of a new type of Pleasure that is taking hold in Tokyo.
“HARD GAY, what’s that?”
“Are you asking for Pleasure?”
Short Parody: Kaleido Star
Sora arrives at the Kaleido stage.
Sora: Sorry I’m late for the audition!
Kalos: Don’t worry about it; since you’re the DESTINED main character I can let you in anyway.
Fool: Hello, Sora- I am here to constantly remind you that you are the destined main character.
Mia/Anna: Just because she’s a main character, she thinks she doesn’t have to work hard like the rest of us.
Layla: I agree. If you can’t do this special manoeuvre that only I have ever mastered, you must leave.
Sora: With training and DESTINY, I will master it!
Mia/Anna: We hated you five minutes ago, but now we realise that the only way to get screen time is to become your friends! Go, Sora- we’re behind you!
Sora pretty much masters the manoeuvre.
Layla: I guess I have to accept that my skill and expertise is nothing compared to DESTINY.
Sponsor Mr Kenneth arrives at Kaleido Stage.
Mr Kenneth: Layla is very skilled, but she isn’t the main character, is she? I think it’s about time you cast Sora as the lead.
Kalos: Well, she’s only been here five minutes, but sure- why not? Things will go wrong at first, of course, but by the end of each episode of trials, it will all work out.
The series passes, and Yuri reveals he has a grudge against Kalos.
Yuri: I’m sick of having no personality, so I’m turning evil and taking over the Kaleido stage!
Kalos: Go on then, take it- since you arenâ€™t DESTINED, it will all go wrong anyway.
Yuri: Now that I am evil, I had better start doing evil things, such as walking around with my shirt off.
After many trials, Sora and Layla practise the Legendary Great Manoeuvre.
Sora: I’m not sure if I can do this.
Layla: Of course you can- DESTINY will see you through. I’ll be able to do it too, but as I am not DESTINED, it will come at a price.
Ken: Come on, Sora, let’s do some intense and unrealistic training.
After the training is complete, the pair do the manoeuvre on stage, and somehow manage to float in the air for a while- proof that DESTINY is stronger than even gravity.
Yuri: All this time, I was evil, but now I see that I was wrong. Let everything go back to the way it was- well, maybe changed a little in preparation for season two.
This Week in Anime
Rigorous HORSE is exhausting and difficult to master, but also rewarding.
Various fruits come together for a conference.
One DOG just isn’t enough anymore.
After a long absence, magatamas are spotted again.
Watermelon makes the first of many appearances in Kono Mini.
Longest Transformation Sequences of the Week can only go to Nanoha, which has minute upon minute of transformations as every single fighting character gets in on the act.
Largest Final Boss Castle of the Week goes to Bakumatsu Kikansetsu Irohanihoheto, as created and controlled by Soutetsu with his immense variety of switches.
Worst Web TV service of the Week must be the one used by Rosenberg in El Cazador de la Bruja, which showsâ€¦old episodes of El Cazador de la Bruja.
*NEW* Anime and Game World Tour: .hack
This feature will share a slot with HARD GAY/YURI corner.
Welcome to this brand new tour feature, your essential guide to all those anime, manga and game worlds you may or may not want to visit! This week, we make a visit to the world of .hack, although to be perfectly honest, you won’t want to be spending much time offline there, as it’s a place filled with scary pervert reporters and poorly designed characters. Instead, why not take out a subscription to The World, the planet’s biggest MMORPG. Sure, there’s the almost certain ever so slight possibility that you’ll end up hospitalised and in a coma just from playing the game, but in the meantime you can wander around a number of identical looking fields and dungeons, choose from an extremely limited range of character designs, pay to chat with other people as you would via a free chatroom or instant messenger, and, if you’re lucky, ride a grunty!
Unfortunately, if you go too far into the future, you will have to log onto The World:r2, and while in principle this should be a better and more advanced game, it actually seems to be uglier and more boring, with a whole new sort of grunty that cannot be ridden.
Plushie Review: Bandai .hack plush grunty To the uninitiated, this plush grunty may look like a bizarre and undesirable mutant, but to those who have fallen under the spell of the grunty, his strange shape and colour pales in comparison to his appealing huggability. Although it isn’t as easy to get your hands on one these days, this sturdy and well-made plush is a must for any serious .hack fan, and is the reason the words “grunterrific” and “gruntable” were created.
- Pumpkin Scissors (ADV): Another series that only lasted one episode on my viewing schedule, Pumpkin Scissors seems to exist only for parody, and isn’t something I would watch again, let alone buy.
- Red Garden (ADV): Another Gonzo series, I managed to get to the end of this one, but it was an incredibly dull ride, and not one that I would ever subject myself to again.
- Welcome to the NHK (ADV): I managed to watch about ten episodes of this; however, not only was this a lacklustre adaptation, but it even made me question the quality of the original work. Another one to avoid.
- Black Blood Brothers (FUNimation): It really is the dregs of licensing this week, isnâ€™t it? Another series where I barely knew or cared what was going on onscreen, BBB had some nice visuals but little else. Even twelve episodes seemed far too long.
- Simoun (Media Blasters): I can think of a couple of fanboys and girls who will jump at the chance to own this, but for me, the first episode was just too dull and ridiculous. Who can take a series seriously when the protagonists have to initiate special attacks that draw pretty lights in the sky by kissing in mid-air?
Mini-editorial: What can we gain from using labels like shounen and shoujo?
Back in January, I was arguing with Michael Ono on 9rules about the merits of classifying everything as either shounen or shoujo, where my point was that such labelling is hardly useful when it doesn’t cover everything- what about seinen and josei, for example? Anyway, such a debate inspired me to (eventually) create this piece, which was originally intended to be a full editorial until I realised I didn’t have a huge amount to say.
So, to get to the point, what exactly can we get out of broad labels like shounen and shoujo? The obvious answer is that invokes an archetype that most anime fans can identify- shounen is the spiky-haired Destined Hero and assorted sidekicks fighting increasingly stronger enemies, and shoujo is an insipid girl angsting over whether the bishounen of her dreams is her One True Love. Yes, this is a very generalised description, and fans of various series will no doubt be along soon to argue the specifics, but the point is that it helps us understand the content of the series in a concise fashion.
Beyond that use, however, we should perhaps be a little more careful. The first pitfall is in trying to classify every single series under these two headings- how, for example, could one fit Mushishi into this? The other pitfall is in adhering too closely to the idea of who the target audience should be. Isn’t it arrogant to assume that girls will not like Naruto when many, in fact, do watch it? Is Os trying to tell us something more personal when he says he likes shoujo (don’t hit me for this, it’s just an example)? They may be helpful labels for producers looking to target a particular demographic, but for the rest of us, saying “you didn’t like that series because you’re a girl” is more idiotic than insightful.
Ultimately, then, whilst these labels, like many others, can be helpful in establishing general ideas (and of course, in parodying clichés), we must always be wary of relying on such stereotypes to the point where we become unable to function without them.
In Your Reflection
This week we have a head-to-head between Elfen Lied’s Nyu and Chobits’ Chi. Although the tone of their respective series may be very different, both are amnesiacs who come to live with the male lead, and can only say a single word at first (causing them to be named after this word). Each has a darker alternate self and past locked away inside them, with details coming to light as the series progresses.
Fashion Police: Sei
Although the Fashion Police have been receiving reports of urgent fashion disasters in other series, they have decided to remain in Burst Angel world a little longer to finish what they started when they first arrested Jo. This week, Sei is taken in for questioning, for whilst she looked stylish enough in the trousers and jacket, the second they saw what was underneath, they knew they had to do something. Not only is her top fabric-deficient beyond belief, but it somehow manages to defy the very laws of gravity by somehow holding her breasts in despite having no support whatsoever underneath. How is this accomplished? Will they ever fall out? Surely these burning questions are more important than the entire “plot” of Burst Angel.
Fashion sense: C-
Amusing Search Terms
Whatever happened to you toube this week?
hard yaoi: could this become an old favourite in time?
adaptations of a basilisks: maybe you should focus on just the one Basilisk.
Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha hentai sex: one more lolicon reveals himself.
fate stay night manga baka: Arguably it is a bit idiotic to waste time on this mediocre manga.
parody of it wasn”t me: It wasn’t me who parodied it.
hard gay .hack: Ah, have you visited my blog before, by any chance?
fanservice manga: I was telling you not to read it
 These words may not actually be in common usage, and may have in fact been randomly made up by the writer.