Tuesday Rumble: May 22nd

chibi-dii-blog.pngIt’s easy to forget how much you customised your old computer- until you get a new one. Why are default settings always so useless, forcing you to turn them off or change them for any number of programs?

A guide to a typical El Cazador episode

Even at this early stage, it is clear that El Cazador’s writers have failed to grasp the value of originality, and so I can confidently predict the pattern of at least nineteen of the next twenty episodes of the series.

  1. Nadie and Ellis are driving south when bounty hunters catch up with them. In the ensuing chase or encounter, their car is crashed, and they are forced to stay in a nearby town or house.
  2. Any generic the pair encounter will automatically help them, simply because they are the main character. They may also expound upon the clichéd and ultimately insignificant problems in their lives.
  3. LA will film some footage of Ellis.
  4. The bounty hunters catch up with the leads, and may even kidnap Ellis. Nadi goes after them, and will either shoot them in a back alley or after a GTA-style car chase.
  5. Rosenberg logs onto his computer, whilst Blue Eyes takes a moment to privately say “Gwakaka, your plans will never come to pass, Rosenberg!”.
  6. Nadi and Ellis get another car from somewhere and drive on through the incredibly dull cactus and dust filled desert.

Future predictions for El Cazador

Continuing with the El-C theme, the time has surely come to ask what will happen later on in the series. With Madlax in mind, we can deduce that nothing will be too ridiculous, and so here are some predictions.

  • Nadie, Ellis, Lirio and LA are all different aspects of the same person. Alternatively, Ellis and LA were created from energy in the same way as matter and anti-matter, and Ellis materialised Nadie to act as a protector.
  • Rosenberg is the reincarnation of Schneider, and Ricardo is the clone of his brother. Lirio is Schneider’s secret love child.
  • Ellis, Lirio and LA are all destined beings raised in different circumstances. One (or two) of them must be chosen to be the controlling mind for a giant doomsday computer system.
  • Everyone in El Cazador world is already dead, and Nadie and Ellis’ journey is an attempt to get to the afterlife.
  • The whole series is taking place in Tsubasa bus filler world.

Kono Mini Pick ‘N’ Mix Part 1- Evil nipples abound

HARD YURI is not something to be done by halves.

These screencaps do not need exaggeration, since in typical Gainax style she did indeed walk in and see a RAGING HARD-ON.

Coming soon: world’s lamest fanservice excuses.

Akari has vigorous FISH.

“If you’re just faking it, I’m not going to be pleased!”

“I choose STRAIGHT!”

“STRAIGHT it is- now could I have a large serving to my mouth?”

“No, not HARD YURI!”

“He was the one I first had STRAIGHT with!”

“She’s giving him STRAIGHT all right!”

Short parody: Reideen and the f word

Those who watch Reideen may notice the series’ propensity for swearing, and so the time has come to construct a guide to communicating in the Reideen world. Here a few guide phrases to get you started.

Normal: Hello.

Reideen: Who the f**king hell are you?

Normal: I’m just going to the shop to get some milk.

Reideen: I’m bloody well going to the f**king shop to get some f**king milk.

Normal: It’s not looking good.

Reideen: We’re f**king royally screwed! Holy sh*t!

Normal: Last Exile is the bible.

Reideen: Last f**king Exile is the f**king bible, f**kwit!

Normal: Our breaking story tonight on the six o’clock news- kitten caught in tree!

Reideen: Our f**king story tonight on the six o’ f**king clock news- kitten f**king caught in f**king tree!

This Week in Anime

The watermelon arc begins in Kono Mini.

Who else can perfectly peel their watermelon like this?

One watermelon just isn’t enough.

For dinner tonight, we have watermelon, followed by watermelon and then a touch of watermelon to finish.

Darker than black cat emerges.

Anime Awards

Most Easily Forgotten Series of the Week: Poor Claymore, I completely and utterly forgot to watch episode 7 last week- is that a sign that I’m not as committed to the series as I thought?

1337est Character Appearance of the Week must go to Romeo X Juliet’s Tybalt, whose brief appearance at the end of episode six promised much for his character. I knew I was right to name a character in Galaxycats after him.

Best Episode of the Week is a tie between the excellent third episode of Emma season two, and the compelling sixth instalment of Darker than Black.

Anime World Tour: Romeo X Juliet

High above the streets of Neo Venezia[1] floats the aerial city of Neo Verona, a place of unsurpassed architectural beauty that will delight the eye of any tourist. For best results when taking in the breathtaking scenery, we recommend the majestic flying Pegasus, although those who prefer to travel by ground will find themselves well provided for in the horse drawn carriage department.

Visitors to Neo Verona should, however, be aware that the political situations is undergoing some turmoil at the moment, with the Montague family’s iron grip on the city causing dissent amongst the populace and some noble families. As long as you avoid the soldiers, this should not trouble you too much, although it is recommended to enter and leave the city via the north gate. Also, during your stay, do not forget to take in one of William Shakespeare’s plays; at the time of writing the players were working on “Otello”, a unique version of Othello that lacks all instances of the letter “h” in the script.

OST spotlight: Noir OST1rnNoir was my very first exposure to the music of Yuki Kajiura, and from the first minute I heard the haunting melodies of the series, I knew that I had to have the CD (naturally resulting in my buying the expensive Japanese version some months before Geneon inevitably released a cheaper US version). Although it doesn’t quite make it up there with the Madlax and .hack//SIGN OSTs, this CD still manages to offer a powerful selection of music, from fast paced action and tense jungle themes to haunting melodies and strong choral pieces. Whether you’re already a fan of Yuki Kajiura or just want to sample her work, this is a good place to start.

Notable tracks: Les Soldats, Canta Per Me, Melodie, Salva Nos

Mini-editorial: “How to blog”

Every so often, someone in the blogworld writes about its deficiencies, sparking a wave of articles about blogging and how to make your mark instead of sinking below the waves. Whilst some of this advice is no doubt useful, is following it to the letter really all that wise? If a blogger begins to calculate every article for maximum readership, won’t it inevitably come at the expense of his or her individual voice, and of course motivation? Everyone else may be writing about a popular series like Kanon, but if you still feel you have something to say, why should you hold back (although as Impz and Lupus once said, arguably you could just write something on Word and leave it on your hard drive if you truly don’t care about anyone else reading it)? If no one else is blogging Moonlight Mile, should you force yourself to cover it just because it’s a gap in the market. If you’re so stuck for things to say that you have to follow blogging guidelines as to the most popular topics, should you even be writing anything at all?

Ultimately, existing in the blogworld does mean that you will be influenced by what other bloggers and commenters have written, and you may well find that someone has already made a better job of that article you planned to write, or that you just have to create a response to something you’ve read. That’s all fine, but forcing yourself to cover something you have no enthusiasm, or thinking that you mustn’t write about something because someone else already has will most likely lead to a loss of both motivation and writing quality.

Harem of the week: Shiki Tohno (Lunar Legend Tsukihime)

nAs an eroge protagonist, Shiki needed plenty of girls to sleep with, but luckily he was able to make a good anime out of his exploits too.

Harem

Arcueid Brunestud: A powerful vampire with an unconventional personality, Arcueid spends many nights with Shiki and thinks of him as her own.

Akiha Tohno: Shiki’s sister, she seems strict and proper on the outside, but clearly is devoted to her brother’s wellbeing.

Hisui and Kohaku: Twin maids at the Tohno household.

Ciel: Shiki’s upperclassman and an operative for the church, she doesn’t want other women getting their hands on Shiki.

Aoko Aozaki: Comforted Shiki in the past and gave him his special glasses.

Satsuki Yumizuka: A classmate with a crush on Shiki.

Rivals

Shiki: The real Shiki Tohno, filled with murderous rage at being passed over as a main character.

Fashion Police: Amy

The fourth and final member of the Burst Angel team, Amy’s outfit doesn’t seem too troublesome at a distance, however by zooming in we can identify some problems, such as the inexplicably naked stomach and embarrassingly short skirt (and trust me, there’s even less fabric down there in the promotional and wallpaper artwork). Also, just why is the jacket so short, and what is that oversized blue thing hanging from the zip?

Fashion sense: D+

Amusing Search Terms

Old Favourites: “busou renkin + hentai”, HARD YAOI, you toube, yaoi hard, busou renkin doujinshi gallery

gay cicada: can cicadas be gay?

Motoko Aoyama hentai: ah, “classic” hentai.

get backers who does ginji love: Well, it’s obviously Ban, why else does he call him Ban-chan?

RPG Maker XP Farm Sim: There seems to be some demand for this.

gay sentai: Go, Gay Sentai!

hack perfect audition may new blog: May a new blog get that perfect audition.

BEYBLADE I SEE IT IN YOUR EYES [PART 13]: What exactly is this? I don’t remember any thirteen-parters.

animated lolicon: Nobue?

you toube tails hero: I’m almost glad you toube is back.

harvest moon rpg parody: Have you been here before?

rpgs with exp and gold: That’ll be most RPGs, then.

season 2 the fourth round rumble: Commence round four.

GINGA NAGAREBOSHI GIN RUN & JUMP GAME: Does this game actually exist?

play manga doll game: Something about this game just seems creepy and wrong.

Gantz RPG: the Gantz RPG gets through playable characters like nobody’s business.

haseo “part time job”: Yeah, I think I’ll take a part-time job as Haseo- I can get paid to stand around and angst.

gay raging hardon: Okay…

charades prompt cards: I also supply prompt cards for charades! Order them now.

anime rape: don’t Google your perverted tastes.


[1] May not actually be above Neo Venezia

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