Bakumatsu Kikansetsu Irohanihoheto parody episode 24

Hijikata has his photograph taken.

(Hijikata: By placing a personals ad, I might actually find a man who is interested in good old HARD GAY.)

Hijikata: Hey, Tetsunosuke, wouldn’t you like your photo taken too?

Tetsunosuke: Sir, placing an ad is just too embarrassing.

Hijikata: Hmm, well I suppose you don’t need a new partner anyway, since you already have me.

Hijikata goes inside to see Akidzuki.

Hijikata: Sorry for the wait- is this room okay for HARD GAY?

Akidzuki: Of course it is- I can’t thank you enough for agreeing to have HARD GAY with me.

Hijikata: It’s for my benefit as well, seeing as everyone else around here has so readily adopted BI. I just hope Soutetsu and the others don’t find out about this.

AKidzuki and Hijikata have some HARD GAY before settling down to dinner.

Hijikata: Akidzuki, I realise that this might seem rather sudden, but I was wondering if you and I could become regular partners. I don’t want to force you into a relationship, but to be honest, I can’t see that you have much choice in the matter.

Meanwhile, various generic soldiers continue to give each other Gun and Cannon. Being so small, the Ezo men are soon overwhelmed.

Hijikata: Generics with Ezos may not be able to stand up to enemy, but just wait until they taste my mighty Sword!

Hijikata charges into the enemy to give them Sword, and is rewarded with a custom white HORSE for his efforts.

Whilst Spirit of BI Kakunojo rouses the Ezo men, the troupe looks on.

Zagashira: I can’t help feeling our part in the plot is over, but even so, I cannot give up any small chance at screen time that I might have.

Elsewhere, three merchants show up to service Soutetsu, Enomoto and Ootori (Historical Figure #1).

Ootori: Thank you for coming- although I must say that your BI is a bit too slow for my liking.

Merchant: I think you’ll find that our timing was well within regulations- we do this for a living, after all. Nonetheless, if you are dissatisfied with our performance, you need not pay this time.

Ootori: Pay? How dare you treat the sacred act of Pleasure like a mere business transaction?

Later, Ootori meets with some underlings.

Ootori: We must make a point by destroying those who would dare charge for Pleasure?

Underling: Aren’t we just doing this because we’re too poor to pay for Pleasure?

Ootori: Shut up!

Underling: But what will Enomoto say about this?

Ootori: Bah, Enomoto never says anything- he just stares.

Enomoto uses Long Distance Evil Stare to infect Ootori and his men with desire. They duly go out and have fatal BI with the merchants.

Merchant: Wait, we’ll do anything you say- for free!

Underling: It’s too late! Kill them all, even the women and children- this is BI, after all!

As the merchants are slaughtered, one underling goes to give fatal Sword to a little girl, but Akidzuki magically shows up to stop him.

(Akidzuki: This type of BI is sick- time to show them some real HARD GAY.)

Zagashira and the troupe also show up, causing the underlings to run away.

(Underlings: We must get far away before they start putting on a play!)

Zagashira: Akidzuki, what are you doing in the middle of BI?

Akidzuki: No time for explanations. Here, take care of this girl I randomly rescued- I can’t be seen with women.

The next day, the surviving merchants are bound and paraded through the city whilst Ootori has HORSE.

Ootori: These men actually tried to charge for Pleasure, when here in the Ezo Republic it should be given freely to anyone who wants it!

The crowd cheers, until Hijikata arrives to disrupt the proceedings.

Hijikata: You sicken me- too cheap to even pay for BI.

Ootori: Shut up, or face the wrath of my new Evil Stare!

(Hijikata: That’s it- I’ve had it with this republic and its BI Ezos!)

Hijikata rides off to confront Enomoto.

Hijikata: Lord’s Head, reveal yourself and let me defeat you!

The Lord’s Head rises up out of Enomoto.

Lord’s Head: You fool- not only are you not the main character, but this is only episode twenty-four! How can you possibly think I could be defeated at this early stage?

Hijikata: Do you mean to say that even my Sword with its ridiculously long name won’t be enough?

Soutetsu arrives.

Soutetsu: What are you doing here? How dare you interfere with my carefully written plot?

Hijikata: You call that carefully written?

Soutetsu: That’s it- you can forget about getting any BI from me!

Hijikata goes to give Soutetsu Sword anyway, but Enomoto uses Evil Stare.

Enomoto: Get out, Hijikata- you will never again have Pleasure with us.

Hijikata leaves, and meets with Tetsunosuke.

Hijikata: There’s no point denying it any longer- I’ve had enough of trying to be BI. Contact my brother and Katsu, and ask them if they’re interested in HARD GAY with me.

Testunosuke: Sir, I could also give you-

Hijikata: Sorry, but you were just a desperation partner- I need a real man now.

Tetsunosuke cries.

A month passes, and the generic soldiers continue to give each other Cannon.

Soutetsu: We are almost to the end of episode twenty-four, and that means it is time for the final boss mission.

Bathed in BI aura, Enomoto and Kakunojo stand at the top of a tower.

Enomoto: Switch on! Create Final Boss Castle!

Inexplicably, Goryoukaku turns into a massive final boss castle.

On the battlefield, Hijikata encounters a Dynasty Warriors style gate, and gives vicious and fatal HARD GAY to all the warriors that emerge.

(Hijikata: Fools, you are merely nameless generics- no match for my named character power!)

Hijikata proceeds, only to encounter Kanna.

Hijikata: Kanna, once you and I both desired pure HARD GAY- what happened?

Kanna: BI is my destiny now.

Hijikata and Kanna start having Pleasure, but Kanna manages to fatally wound Hijikata.

Hijikata: Damn…I know the history books said this was my time to die, but why couldn’t I have been the main character?

Hijikata dies just as Akidzuki arrives on the scene.

Akidzuki: Why did you have to kill my only HARD GAY partner, Kanna? Now I will have to relieve my desires with you.

Kanna: Be my guest- be it HARD GAY or BI, I always look forward to Pleasure with you.

The two men prepare to have Pleasure.

To be continued…