Romeo X Juliet parody episode 14

Juliet, Francisco, Curio and Antonio prepare to go to William’s mother’s house.

Francisco: This journey will help to waste a few more episodes.

On the way to his new appointment as a mine overseer, Romeo recalls his last conversation with his father.

Montague: How could you let that Capulet grape sympathiser go?

Romeo: I know you hate the idea of STRAIGHT, but I love her.

Montague: What a foolish notion! Maybe when your lover is dead and every last grape is squashed, you’ll realise that HARD GAY is the only true choice!

Romeo: It’s too late, Father- I will never have HARD GAY with you again!

Montague: Then get out of this Keep! Go and have a dull arc in the Gradisca mines!

At the mines, Romeo addresses the workers.

Romeo: I know you will all start out with a low opinion of me, but over the next couple of episodes I shall do my best to earn your respect.

(Chief Paulo: The fool- doesn’t he know this is a place of poor working conditions, where men crack worthless rocks for no real reason?)

Romeo is given a tour of the facility, and ends up in the mess hall at meal time. Two generics are hassling a young boy, Petruchio.

Generic: You don’t deserve any food, Petruchio- after all, you never give us HARD GAY.

Romeo: Leave him alone- at least he has a name!

Generic: Yeah, whatever.

Petruchio: What did you have to go and help me for? I wanted to have my food taken away- it would mark me out as one of the lads!

Romeo: You may feel like that now, but by the end of the episode, I guarantee you will have softened towards me.

Later, Romeo goes back to his quarters.

Paulo: Sir, I have been instructed to give you HARD GAY of the refined type you have become accustomed to.

Romeo: There’s no need to make special arrangements for me- starting tomorrow, I shall get down and dirty with the men.

(Romeo: I never thought much of HARD GAY before, but these burly and dislikeable men have stirred new feelings in me!)

The next day, Romeo works and has Pickaxe in the mine, before collapsing on his bed.

(Romeo: Who would have thought mining was so much hard work?)

Even so, Romeo continues working, and soon gets the chance to save Petruchio from some falling logs.

Petruchio: How many times do I have to tell you that I don’t want your help? I’m aiming for a tragic death scene here!

Romeo: How can I let even one of my new HARD GAY partners die?

Petruchio: HARD GAY? Don’t make me laugh! Everyone knows you were chased out of Neo Verona because you refused to give the Duke any HARD GAY! I suppose by sleeping with us you’re trying to convince him you’ve changed your ways.

Romeo: Shut up! I’m really trying to give HARD GAY a chance this time.

(Petruchio: Hmm, maybe he is sincere after all.)

Romeo continues to work in the mines, until one day when he drops a hammer and Petruchio picks it up for him.

Petruchio: Sorry for being so rude the other day- I didn’t realise you were the main character.)

(Petruchio: Now that I know that, I realise that being nice to him is the way to go if I want screen time.)

Romeo and Petruchio instantly become good friends.

Petruchio: You know, unlikely as it seems, I often saw you around Neo Verona. You were always flying around having HORSE; I don’t care for that sort of thing, but my brother and sister loved it.

Romeo: Ah, those were the days.

Petruchio starts coughing.

Romeo: What’s wrong, Petruchio?

Petruchio: Nothing- just a bit of blatant foreshadowing about my terminally ill status.

Sure enough, by the next day Petruchio is on his deathbed.

Romeo: Petruchio, are you all right?

Petruchio: Well, I’m about to die, but apart from that, everything’s fine. Oh, and did I mention that my mother died and my father probably disappeared?

Romeo: Petruchio, you can’t die- you were the one who showed me that HARD GAY can be worthy!

Petruchio: I’m sorry, but in the end I couldn’t get the director to extend my contract beyond this episode. If you ever go back to Neo Verona, could you give my brother and sister a taste of HORSE?

Romeo: Of course.

By the next morning, Petruchio has died.

Romeo: PETRUCHIO!!!

Petruchio is swiftly buried.

Giovanni: Petruchio’s story is actually more tragic than you think. Not only was a sickly boy whose mother died a while ago, but the only reason he ended up here was because he stole a single loaf of bread to feed his siblings.

Romeo: A loaf of bread? What is this, Les Miserables?

To be continued…

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