Who can forget the heady days of 2006, when I took the inferior product that was .hack//Roots and turned it into something rather more amusing- although to my disappointment, Bandai never did contact me about putting my version on their DVDs. Even so, with this in mind, it was clear that the special GU episode needed to undergo similar treatment.
Prologue: Episode thoughts
Well, to be fair, it wasn’t right to expect much from this episode, and indeed, apart from numerous character cameos, it doesn’t really offer that much of interest. The only thing that can be said about it is that the few seconds of action are probably more than we saw in the entirety of Roots, and that Haseo is sporting a new outfit that will help him evade the pursuit of the Fashion Police. Other than that, sitting through it is a bit of a chore, although not so much as its predecessors. It is also recommended to play the games first; otherwise, like me, you’ll find that certain parts are either highly spoilerific or simply make no sense.
And now for the part you’ve all been waiting for- captioned screencaps
Ovan has summoned all his lovers to one place with the promise of a reward, but even though they have dutifully arrived, he is nowhere to be seen. Will they get the chance of one last night with the master, or has he brought them there to break up with them?
Let the cameos begin.
Yata and Pai experience trouble when signing up to the BI movies channel.
Yata now refers to his Liang as a “serpent of knowledge”.
Next to appear is Shino.
With his ovens selling badly, Ovan is forced to branch out.
Shino and Atoli are embarrassed to realise they chose similar character types.
Atoli worries that Shino is Haseo’s destined BI partner.
“Haseo’s a hundred years too early to go out with me.”
“You’re welcome to him!”
Having quit The World forever, Sakisaka nonetheless logs back in in search of screentime.
“It’s all thanks to the general lack of imagination when it comes to character designs.”
“What do you think Ovan wants to give us?”
“Will we get our own personal Ovan ovens?”
“Or perhaps even another twenty-six episode series where nothing happens!”
“The audience would never sit through a repeat performance of Roots.”
“…but even so, I kept paying my monthly subscription, even though I swore never to have anything more to do with the game.”
“I can’t say I remember you from the anime.”
“Ah yes, the anime- the days of not even knowing what the plot was supposed to be.”
“Ovan was good in bed, but that was about it.”
“It’s almost as if he was a main character of some sort.”
“Hello, I’ve adopted this new outfit in an attempt to throw the Fashion Police off my trail.”
Endrance appears in the hopes of getting some HARD GAY from Haseo.
Naturally, Sakubo shows up too.
Other people playing The World? Surely not!
It’s also more idiotic too, but let’s not get into that.
This line would be hilarious if it was in Engrish.
“Come on, we must find Ovan and tell him how good his BI is.”
“What sort of BI do you think Ovan will give us when we find him?”
Cue five more cameos.
“Asking so many partners here at once- is this meant to be a group session?”
“Whatever the case, it won’t be a good session unless Ovan himself is here.”
Kuhn decides to ask Saburo for some BI.
“Do I know you?”
“Well, we’re both .hack characters, so we have something in common.”
“And since we’re not with anyone, we might as well hook up.”
“Are you one of Ovan’s lovers?”
“Well, I’ve handled his Liang…”
“Does that make me worthy of going out with you?”
“A treasure chest? This is becoming dangerously like a real RPG!”
“Gwakaka, are you ready for an action scene?”
“Action scene? You must be joking!”
“That’s right, we have enough budget to let Sakisaka attack once!”
“Okay, that’s enough battle for now- let’s flee.”
“…and so I have to confess- it isn’t Haseo or Ovan I want, it’s you!”
“Another action sequence so soon?”
“This is my time to shine!”
“Generic Slash Attack Against Motion Blurred Background!”
“Simple and Ineffectual Fireball Attack!”
“Not bad, if I do say so myself.”
“I can cast magic too! Level One Fire Spell!”
“Okay, we’re all out of ideas- let’s run!”
“This looks like a job for a main character!”
“Nothing can withstand the force of my Hyper Self Pleasure!”
“In fact, my main character skills are so potent that I just have to announce the end of battle…”
“…and seconds later, it occurs.”
“Stand back- this small defenceless monster could be dangerous!”
“In fact, I shouldn’t endanger myself- Human Shield!”
“Fancy a virtual apple? It’s a staple fruit in anime.”
“Wow, even the cat people have slipped in for a cameo.”
“I couldn’t find Haseo, so I got these instead- they have about as much personality as the real thing.”
(“Was I just insulted?”)
Note Ginkan/Silver Knight playing with his Subaru balloon in the background.
“This is what Ovan left us? What a big, fat disappointment.”
“You’re about to do it with not one, but two lovely ladies.”
“We’re expecting a Zhuge Liang, so we’ll be disappointed if you only have an Ezo.”
“I most certainly did not have an Ezo!”
“And by the way, the women can’t go behind.”
“Hmm, I bet someone’s got an Ezo and is embarrassed about it, right?”
“Come on, show us your Liang so we can confirm its size!”
“Are you coming on to me? Tabby, we broke up already!”
“Oh well, even if Haseo is undersized, Ovan is plenty big enough.”
“And his BI is always sublime.”
Can someone say “gratuitous cameo-service”?
“Do you think we should stop being voyeurs and actually join in for once?”
“I don’t need any of my old lovers- I have this loli now.”