Zhou Yu confronts Zhuge Liang.
Zhou Yu: Zhuge Liang, it is time to throw any pretence at historical accuracy aside and claim that you are a legendary wizard who can call forth thunderstorms with Key Item Big Dipper Mandala!
Lu Xun: Oh come on- that’s stretching credulity a bit too far!
Zhuge Liang: I agree; besides, I’m too modest to admit to my amazing magical powers just yet.
Back on the Red Cliff, Cao Cao talks to Zhuge Jin.
Cao Cao: I cannot thank you enough, Zhuge Jin- ever since you suggested binding them with chains, my Pleasure sessions with the men have become much more enjoyable.
(Zhuge Jin: That effeminate fool! It is only because I am servicing them that they are enjoying themselves more.)
Cao Cao: You know, if you’re a good boy, I might just consider you worthy enough for my special Lord’s Cube Pleasure. If that happens, you should feel honoured.
Whilst the couple retires to the bedroom, Zhuge Liang walks up Key Item Big Dipper Mandala.
Zhuge Liang: For years, the power of my mighty ‘dragon’ has flowed within me, unseen by mere humans. Yet now I shall use my powers and this magical Lord’s Sphere to engulf us all in Pleasure, and if I fail, you have permission to castrate me.
Lu Xun: Master, you can’t have it cut off when I haven’t even seen it!
Zhuge Liang: Also, if the Pleasure is good, I would like a favour from you, Zhou Yu.
Zhou Yu: What sort of favour?
Zhuge Liang: You’ll find out later.
(Zhou Yu: I cannot pass up this opportunity to remove his Sword and become the largest man in the land by default!)
Zhou Yu: Very well; I accept.
Zhuge Liang: Then watch as I simultaneously Pleasure us all and use my magical powers to call down lightning upon Red Cliff. By the way, Lu Xun, you may want to join the battle yourself- it’s the only way to unlock certain goodies in the options menu.
On Level One of Red Cliff, Xu Zhu has taken Ling Tong hostage.
Ling Tong: Gan Ning, just sacrifice me and win the level!
Gan Ning: Now that I am a hero, I can’t do such a thing!
Message: Lu Meng has engaged Zhang Liao in battle!
Zhang Liao: Your spear is no match for mine!
Lu Meng: Why is this happening? I only wanted to be a civil servant!
Lu Meng, Gan Ning and Ling Tong captured and taken to Cao Cao and Zhuge Jin.
Lu Meng: Zhuge Jin, what are you doing here? I thought we were all righteous OP heroes!
Zhuge Jin: I’m sorry, but none of you could give HARD GAY worthy of my prowess! Only Cao Cao can satisfy my needs!
Cao Cao and Zhuge Jin open up a pillar in the middle of the room, revealing the Lord’s Cube.
Zhuge Jin: What a HARD GAY aura.
Cao Cao: So, you feel the HARD GAY too?
Taishi Ci bursts through the wall and immediately collapses. Cao Ren follows him in.
(Taishi Ci: I shouldn’t have tried to look cool by doing this.)
Cao Cao: Cao Ren, you can have those ones for your bed- Zhuge Jin is all I need.
Zhuge Jin: Predictable revelation of my true loyalties!
Zhuge Jin uses his threads to ensnare Cao Cao.
Zhuge Jin: Rejoice, everyone, for I was a spy for Wu all along! How could I give up your HARD GAY for this cross-dressing freak?
Cao Ren: Damn you! I’m going to bash your brains out for this!
(Zhuge Jin: It looks like we’ve met Taishi Ci’s opposite number.)
Zhuge Jin: Kill me, and I’ll take your precious Cao Cao along too!
Cao Cao: Now really, this predictable scene is boring me. Why don’t you just take the Lord’s Cube and be done with it- or are you afraid that you aren’t HARD GAY enough for it?
Zhuge Jin: My HARD GAY is not an issue here!
Cao Cao: I guess not- after all, everyone knows you aren’t as good as brother Liang.
Zhuge Jin: Damn you!
Zhuge Jin loses his composure, enabling Cao Cao to escape and give him Needle.
Cao Cao: See- he is satisfied with such a small weapon.
(Lu Meng: What should we do? I guess we could take this moment to attack, but that’s just too much effort- let’s stand around and hasp instead.)
Cao Cao: I have to admit, though, he would make a good sex toy- I think I will keep him.
Somehow, Zhuge Liang and the others are able to watch events on magic CCTV. Lu Xun grips his Sword.
(Lu Xun: My Sword yearns to join in the HARD GAY!)
Zhuge Liang: Lu Xun, go to them- only a main character can resolve this situation. In the meantime, you can give me some Flute, Zhou Yu.
Whilst Zhou Yu and Zhuge Liang have HARD GAY, Cao Cao continues to give Zhuge Jin Needle.
Cao Cao: Tell me, are you feeling pain…or Pleasure?
Zhang Liao: Sir, please stop toying with this man, for our impossible ship has almost reached the capital of Wu.
Cao Cao: Excellent! Let us rain pain, fire and chaos down upon them.
In his palace, Sun Quan arranges flowers.
Sun Quan: All the named characters are elsewhere; doing something constructive like ordering my soldiers to defend the capital would be pointless.
Whilst Lu Xun somehow magically runs towards the riverbank the Red Cliff is sailing past, Cao Cao and his men prepare to attack.
Zhang Liao: This makes no sense, but somehow we are focusing the power of the Lord’s Cube into our main Cannon. In this way, we can overwhelm them with sheer HARD GAY.
(Ling Tong: I guess we’d better stop sitting around and gasping now- time to take action.)
Zhuge Liang’s magical lightning appears to attack the Red Cliff.
Cao Cao: Gwakaka, do what you like- I cannot possibly lose!
Lu Xun: Flaming Gundam Mode On!
Lu Xun becomes engulfed in flames and flies up into the sky. He crashes into the top level of the Red Cliff.
Cao Cao: Who the hell are you?
Lu Xun: Do not interfere- I am in God Mode!
Lu Xun touches the Lord’s Cube and somehow all the Wu named characters teleport away to an unknown location.
Taishi Ci: Where are we?
Gan Ning: We seem to have been taken to the source of HARD GAY itself.
Lu Xun: Do not fear- all we need to do is name ourselves and our ‘weapons’, and our HARD GAY ability will be transformed.
They all do so, and teleport back out, enveloped in different coloured HARD GAY auras.
Lu Xun: Go, Pleasure Rangers!
Our heroes use their new Gundam Dragoon Modes to attack the Red Cliff. It goes down in flames, although the important Wei characters are somehow spared.
Lu Meng: Well, it looks like the day was saved, even if we didn’t recover the Lord’s Cube.
Back at the Big Dipper Mandala, Zhou Yu and Zhuge Liang conclude their HARD GAY.
Zhuge Liang: Well, was that good for you?
Zhou Yu: I can’t deny that it was- now what do you want?
Zhuge Liang: Oh, nothing much- I’d just like you to service Lu Xun now and then so he stops asking to see my Sword.
(Zhou Yu: That was the best HARD GAY I ever had! I will never be the biggest man in the land if I let him live!)
To be continued…