Ah, Valentine’s Day- that period when smug couples exchange material goods whilst depressed singles either jealously dream of the day when someone will give them red roses or pretend not to notice and care. As perhaps one of the cruellest celebrations after Christmas (that time when a jolly old fatso breaks into children’s bedrooms), Valentine’s Day could surely not help but appeal to the sadistic minds at Azure Flame; so whilst Karura nips out to steal chocolates from oblivious lovers, those of you with nothing better to do can stay in and read about anime’s contribution to the world of romance.
Anime dating tips: rules for romance
Romance in anime is a tricky thing- you either aren’t getting any, or have so many members of the opposite sex throwing themselves at you that you don’t know what to do. Luckily for you, we have subjected ourselves to hundreds of hours of anime footage to pick out the rights and wrongs of romance.
- You can’t compete with childhood friends: they’ll always share memories and promises that you just can’t match, as well as a tenacious determination to get together. Your only hope is the frequent memory loss that afflicts an alarmingly high percentage of people- keep them from remembering those idyllic childhood days with their destined lovers and they might just pay attention to you instead.
- Sickness does not guarantee long-term attention: that sick girl routine may get you an arc of your own, but don’t expect to walk away with the guy at the end- you’ll either die or spend the rest of the series alone and forgotten in a hospital bed. At this point you may want to consider making a miraculous recovery- it won’t make you any luckier in love, but at least you’ll get some fresh air.
- Juggling more than one engagement on the same day never works out: It’s bound to happen eventually- you’ll make a date with your beloved and then something unavoidable will crop up on that same day. At this point, you’ll want to work your hardest to fit everything in, perhaps even electing to alternate between the two engagements by running back and forth. Take it from us, though; it really isn’t worth bothering- you’re bound to get found out and then you’ll be in trouble for at least an episode.
- If you’re a supporting character, settle for a minor partner: Supporting characters, I’m sorry, but you’re just not going to get the lead no matter how hard you try. At best, you’ll end the series single; at worst, they’ll pair you off with some random character who you just met and don’t even know. Maintain your dignity by pulling out of the race early.
- If you can’t make up your mind, prepare for violence and trauma: Guys, I know you think it’s cool to string along a lot of girls at the same time, but every so often they will become so frustrated that they will force you to decide on one of them- and when you inevitably fail to do so, an unpleasant scene will result. Stop boosting your ego by trying to increase the number of beautiful women after you by picking just one- and discourage all the underage girls before they get you arrested,
- If it can go wrong, it will: Misunderstandings, clumsiness, accidental grabbing of the chest area- if given the chance, all of these can and will happen. You can either accept them and try to get on as best you can, or try some kind of self-improvement course that will help you become calmer and more confident.
- No one ever sees the epilogue to a happy ending: You might get the girl (or guy) at the end, but after that, you’re on your own. Don’t be surprised if you’ve broken up by the time they get around to making the sequel (see below).
- Even if you get the guy, they’ll make an OVA where he gets someone else: So there you are, basking in the happy relationship you thought you’d landed after a whole series of struggle, and instead you find out that the sequel is all about him getting the other girl instead! There’s nothing much you can do about this except to remember that you should take nothing for granted.
- Even if you don’t get the guy, the fans will make a doujin where you did: Can’t face reality? Fear not, because neither could the fans, and so they have constructed a world where you did indeed get together, and they may have even thrown in some sex scenes for your benefit.
Tour Guide: choosing the right place to go
When it comes to planning a date, location is of vital importance- the last thing you need is to take your sweetheart to a post-apocalyptic wasteland filled with lowlife thugs, or to pick a romantic restaurant that just happens to be in the middle of a mecha battle zone. To that end, it is better to look to the calmer end of the spectrum when picking the right spot; for example, the city of
The Fat Cat Dragons give their tips for love
The Cardinal: Women have always liked to stroke my fur, and ever since I earned my millions, I’ve never had a problem attracting the ladies. I do recommend showering with them gifts, though- you can’t go wrong with new cars and swimming pools, or failing that, flowers, chocolate and jewellery.
Mr Tibbs: Being a powerful force in the world of the bank makes me an attractive prospect for the ladies, but I understand that not everyone is as fortunate as I am. I recommend being well-dressed- I always keep my fur in tip-top condition and make sure I am wearing the latest in leather executive collars.
President Aria: Punyu! [I’ve been trying to catch President Hime’s attention for years, but it hasn’t worked yet. Strategies I’ve tried include sharing food, acting heroically and dressing in a variety of amusing hats].
Mikoto: I don’t make any special effort, because to be any honest any man would be lucky to land me. It would be a bonus if he could cook, though.
The Admiral: I don’t need a man, just a nice warm place to sleep.
We hope that you’ve enjoyed our Valentine’s Day Special; in fact, if you have, show your appreciation by sending Karura chocolates, red roses, champagne and chipping in for an Iliana ruby and diamond bracelet. Until next time!