(UK readers, a new series of the real Dragons’ Den begins next Monday at 9pm on BBC2.)
Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?
Making his way to the Den today are Himitsu’s Aoki and Maki, who are here in an attempt to franchise the device used at their workplace- the MRI scanner! Will the Dragons be interested in this revolutionary new application of the technology that enables the user to probe the minds of the dead?
Aoki: Hello, I’m Aoki-
Maki: Shut up, Aoki- let me do the talking. My name is Maki, and I’m here to pitch for investment in our new franchise centred on the MRI scanner. With this device, we can scan the brains of the dead and see the same images they did.
Mr Tibbs: Can I just ask you something- why are you dressed as a woman?
Maki: Er, it’s for a mission.
Aoki: Hey, I thought you said it was for a special treat later.
Maki: For the last time, Aoki, shut up!
Cardinal: The good thing about the dead is that they can’t reveal my secrets, er, I mean any crucial secrets. I most certainly won’t be investing in this.
Aria: Punyu? [Could you perhaps explain the science behind this? I don’t really understand how magnetic resonance imaging lets you see the thoughts of the dead.]
Aoki: Well, uh, neither do we-
Maki: That’s a trade secret! Look, is no one interested in seeing through the eyes of a dead person?
Mikoto: Well, no one ever dies in Mai-Otome- no one important, anyway- so it doesn’t make much difference. I’m out.
Dodgy science and a lack of application have lost most of the Dragons already. Will Maki and Aoki be able to rekindle their interest?
Admiral: So, you’re looking to sell this as a franchise?
Maki: That’s right- you pay us large wads of cash, and then we give you your own kit to start scanning dead brain.
Admiral: And how will the franchisee actually make a profit?
Maki: That’s up to them- we can’t be expected to think of everything!
Admiral: Well, I think I speak for all of us when we say that you’re sloppy, unprepared and unimpressive- I’m out.
Mr Tibbs: Maybe if you ditch Aoki, dress like a man and get a solid business plan, I’d be tempted to invest, but until then, I’m out.
It’s a disaster in the Den for Aoki and Maki, who will have to return to their day job at Section Nine- and no, that’s not the Section Nine with the lovely Ms Motoko Kusanagi.
Kuchiha suggests STRAIGHT with a splash of DOG.
“Everyone knows that boys sleep with other boys.”
“Fine, go and be HARD GAY with your boyfriend!”
“I just can’t bear the thought of turning STRAIGHT!”
“Well, couldn’t we at least try some BI?”
“Now, let’s wash away all talk of STRAIGHT and BI with some good old HARD GAY.”
Don’t you just love moments like these, especially if they’re in slow-motion?
“What kind of rough HARD GAY is that?”
“You were the one who told me to get into it!”
Anime Big Brother
Big Brother: The time has come for me to read out the nominations for eviction. For being too stupid, we have Wil and Aoki; for being too stoic, Doumeki and for threatening to devour all the housemates, we have Heat. One of you will be leaving at the end of this paragraph, but for now, would you like to share a few words with your audience?
Doumeki: You can’t evict me without Watanuki- who will cook my lunch?
Watanuki: Why, you-!
Wil: I’m not stupid, I’m top of my class!
Allison: Then why can’t you tell I’m in love with you?
Wil: Sorry, Allison, did you say something?
Aoki: Oh, I’m up for eviction- oh well, back to the crossword. Hmm, three letters- “four legged animal that goes ‘moo’”. There’s a ‘C’ at the beginning- any ideas?
Heat: Shut up! I’ll devour you all!
Big Brother: Thank you. And now, the housemate who will be leaving is….Heat!
Heat transforms into Agni, roars and beats his chest.
Big Brother: In Heat’s place, the next person to join the Big Brother house is Maki from Himitsu! Look forward to it!
(Aoki: It’s as good as Sister, but hopefully he’ll bring his cross-dressing kit.)
This Week in Anime
Is that some kind of apple in the bottom left hand corner?
“NOOO!!! Don’t turn us into juice!”
We learn how the rubber duck came to the Hidamari Apartments.
Take note here, because these represent the strawberry cakes of doom that appear in Antique Bakery.
“All hail Tequila, our new god!”
…is there nothing these products can’t do?
Tomatoes are caught lounging on the vine.
Handling four Zhuge Liangs can be exhausting.
“HARD YURI only from here on.”
An epic tale of a boy with a monkey tail who gains shinigami powers and uses them to found his own pirate crew.
“But don’t worry- it’ll be pleasurable.”
Hey, who’s been eating the watermelon?
Here we see the legendary apple shrine.
Aagh, a rubber duck of doom is floating silently towards you! Get out of there!
“You saw the legendary Golden Wang?”
Classic PC games: Alley Cat
As a cat lover, the chance to play as a cat couldn’t be passed up, even if it meant turning to a rather inferior and frustrating game. You take on the role of the titular alley cat, and your first goal is to avoid being eaten by dogs by jumping onto the dustbins on your street. From there, you must avoid more obstacles try to get into an open window, wherein a mini-game will commence within the rooms. These games usually involve avoiding more dangers, with one in particular requiring you to collect fish underwater without running out of air. Once the game is over, you get chucked outside again, but persevere and you might just find love with a lady cat. The graphics are simplistic, the game frustrating, but Alley Cat is nonetheless one of those titles that stick in the mind just for sheer effort.
In Your Reflection
In the latest of the increasingly rare head-to-heads, we compare Renton and Eureka from Eureka Seven with Seikichi and Sora from Oh! Edo Rocket. In both cases, we have a hot-headed and determined young man who defies the authorities, and the mysterious female love interest with a very special secret.