.hack//Roots 15: who needs to watch anime anymore?

Through fourteen episodes of suffering, it has come to my attention that .hack//Roots isn’t much good, or, to be brutally honest, it is a tedious pile of crap. In that vein, I have upheld my resolution not to watch any more of the series, however, to ease the pain of those who are, I shall use screencaps from each episode to tell an original, and hopefully much improved, version of the story. Continue reading “.hack//Roots 15: who needs to watch anime anymore?”

.hack//Roots 14: the end of the line

Don’t be too concerned about the tone of this rant, I will be posting screencap-based parodies of episodes 15+ from tomorrow.

So, the time has finally come; I’ve had enough, I’m throwing in the towel. No, I’m not about to stop writing rants, but I have made the long overdue decision to stop subjecting myself to the tiresome and monotonous borefest that goes by the name of .hack//Roots. The good news for the show’s three English-speaking fans is that Roots is now licensed for US distribution; the bad news for Bandai is that I won’t be buying it.

In the days before this miserable series spread unhappiness all around, I was pleased to count myself amongst the ranks of .hack fans. Objectively, I could see that the franchise was not without its flaws, but nonetheless when it came to .hack, I had been there, done that and bought the plush grunty. Were it not for this simple fact, I would have had the sense to drop Roots long ago, instead of letting things drag on this long. Continue reading “.hack//Roots 14: the end of the line”

.hack//Roots 13: Watching Paint Dry

The weeks come and go, but Roots remains a static, never changing universe- at least until today, when something happened. That’s not to say that what happened was particularly interesting and unexpected, in fact, it’s what we’d all been expecting ever since we first learned of the existence of this anime. Yes, today was the day that Shino got Data Drained. To celebrate this momentous occasion, I will be exploring a new angle on the series- the daytime TV angst arc. Continue reading “.hack//Roots 13: Watching Paint Dry”

.hack//Roots 12: Even less happened than usual

For the last few weeks, I’ve tried to spice up the dull monotony of .hack//Roots by resorting to cooking and band parodies, but this time around only a more ‘classic’ rant format will do the episode justice. Yes, the unthinkable has happened- .hack//Roots has somehow become even more boring.

Be it misplaced optimism or a vaguely interesting screencap from the raw version, for some reason, I was expecting something to happen in this episode. Of course, that was not to be- if there’s one constant in this universe more fundamental than all the rest, it’s that nothing ever happens in Roots; the series is mired in endless scenes in which the characters pick either the Root Town or the game’s single grassy field to chat to each other about nothing in particular. With Tawaraya, the one man with the bulk to drive the plot forward, having already had his account suspended, little of import can happen until the inevitable day when Tri-Edge Data Drains Shino and Haseo takes up his throne as King of Angst. Continue reading “.hack//Roots 12: Even less happened than usual”

.hack//Roots 9: Something happened in this episode

Every week, I swear that I’ve written all I need to on Roots; that next week I won’t have anything more to say, and yet every week, I cannot help myself, even if it means having over 20 documents of complaints by the end (assuming I survive that long).

It was at this point that I was going to write, and had indeed partially written, a stream of effusive praise about my love of the original .hack games. On reflection, however, that seems better suited to a separate document to be released at some future date, and so I will just relate the conclusion, which is this- I have an inordinate, some might say even fangirlish love of ‘first generation’ .hack, and this only enhances my disappointment in Roots. Continue reading “.hack//Roots 9: Something happened in this episode”

.hack//Roots 8: search for the ingredients

Given my newfound propensity for constructing rants, I had better make it clear here that this won’t be following the pattern of my previous disillusioned moaning about .hack//Roots. Instead, this will be less of an outright rant, and more of a hybrid with the now-infamous “Ovan arm cooking” approach.

First off, I have to admit that I wasn’t paying a great deal of attention to the beginning of the episode, but as it turns out, that just highlights one of the advantages of the .hack system; even if you don’t catch something on screen, you can guarantee various characters will spend the next five episodes minutes talking about it. Continue reading “.hack//Roots 8: search for the ingredients”

.hack//Roots episode 7, now with added Online Jack

Given how little happens in any given episode of Roots, it seems almost inconceivable that I could find enough material to write a whole new rant a scant week after I created the last. And yet, whilst I was alternately watching and falling asleep during the seventh instalment of .hack//Roots, I decided that if anything needed to be slated, it was this.

Following the ‘worst action scene ever’ that concluded episode six, this week brings us back to what .hack does best- namely, sitting and talking. Be it Twilight Brigade members, TaN’s fugly representatives, or just miscellaneous characters that no one really cares about, all of them have signed up for an online game just for the pleasure of remaining stationary and discussing their various plans. Continue reading “.hack//Roots episode 7, now with added Online Jack”