We begin in the middle of a raging fire at a shrine for reasons which will later become apparent. An obviously evil man stands and watches as a generic tries to protect a woman.
Generic: Persona! Saki Mitama! No wait, Kusi Mitama! Oh, what’s the use, I’ll be dead by the opening credits!
The credits run, and now our story can truly begin. Out hero, Saizou is lying motionless in a forest.
(Saizou: Ah, this is so relaxing – and it saves on the animation budget too!)
Unfortunately, he is soon disturbed when a woman, Isanami, looking rather the worse for wear, falls into his arms.
(Saizou: Oh god, don’t tell me I have to touch a woman this early on! This will surely doom my quest for MEN!)
Saizou: I don’t suppose there are any men after you, are there?
Saizou: In that case, I’m off to find them. Nice knowing you.
Isanami: You can’t leave me here! I’m in the opening credits!
Suddenly, a bunch of masked men emerge from the trees, intent on attacking the hero.
Saizou: Your knives are far too small to satisfy me, generics! Buster Sword!
The generic enemies are swiftly KO’ed.
Isanami: Those guys are dangerous! You should probably protect me.
Saizou: Whatever for? I’m on a quest for MEN!
Isanami: Yes, but if you come with me, there might be plot progression, and then surely some bishies will appear!
Saizou: Hmm, you do have a point…let’s go.
They stop off to eat some soba noodles.
Isanami: Well, thanks for saving me. It’s so nice to have a man in my life.
Saizou: Now don’t go getting the wrong idea.
They continue onwards, until Ueda Castle is in sight.
Saizou: Look, I really have to dump you as soon as possible so I can get on with finding some MEN.
Isanami: B-but, plot progression!
A group of ninjas, led by slightly bishie Sasuke, appears.
Sasuke: Did I hear someone say he wanted a man?
Saizou: Only if they can satisfy my Buster Sword! You hardly look up to the task!
They briefly have Blade.
Saizou: This is pathetic!
Sasuke: Think again! Take this- Magical Leaf Attack!
Saizou: No, not the leaves! They mess up my hair!
Saizou drops to the ground. Sasuke goes in with his blade, only to attack useless WOOD.
Saizou: Even that WOOD is too good for you!
The Blade continues, until Isanami gets fed up.
Isanami: That’s enough! We’re halfway through the episode- the plot must progress!
Saizou and Isanami are taken to Ueda Castle to meet its commander, Sanada Yukimura.
Sanada: Late night visitors – that can only mean one thing…wait, who brought a woman in here?
Isanami: Sir, you must help me! My shrine was burned down and all the generic priests killed! I only managed to escape by virtue of being a main character.
Sanada: Well so what? Is there any reason I should care?
After promising they can stay for one night, Sanada leaves. Isanami breaks down in tears.
Isanami: This isn’t how the laws of narrative work! He’s supposed to help me!
Saizou has no choice but to comfort her.
(Saizou: Why me?)
Saizou leaves the castle that night, and Isanami follows.
Saizou: Go away! How many times do I have to tell you I’m looking for MEN?
Suddenly, the pair find themselves trapped in chains.
Saizou: A bondage attack!?
Men with swords attack, but are held off by Sanada and Sasuke.
Saizou: You used me as bait!? But I’m the main chracter!
Sanada: Then prove it! Show me how good you are with your Sword!
Saizou: Oh, all right then! Implausible Feet Blades!
Saizou frees himself using blades that spring from his feet. He draws his Sword.
Saizou: Buster Sword!
The latest wave of generic enemies is swiftly dispatched.
Isanami: Why? Why do I have to be surrounded by all this HARD GAY! Otome transformation!
The GEM on Isanami’s headband turns black, and she creates a void that destroys all the generics surrounding her.
Sanada: Interesting. By the way, I was lying earlier – I’d love to help you and get in on the plot.
Saizou: Fine with me. I’ll be on my way then.
Isanami: Oh no you don’t! We are going to star together in this anime whether you like it or not!
Back at the castle, Sanada talks to his subordinate, Rokurou.
Sanada: Plot developments are afoot, and I must be a part of them. These hands are no longer enough to satisfy my Zhuge Liang. My raging appetites will be satiated with no fewer than ten men!
Saizou is eavesdropping on the conversation.
(Saizou: He’s gathering men? This is perfect!)
TO BE CONTINUED…