11. Butt Out, Youth!

Amidst Excel’s overly loud and incomprehensible interruptions, Ilpalazzo manages to impart the next mission to his underlings. Thanks to the state of modern education, the future is looking bleak- and that means that Across must take action. To that end, it is up to Excel and Hyatt to infiltrate a local high school and research just how the poor standards of education are affecting the younger generation.

As per their mission, Excel and Hyatt get temporary jobs as teachers at Excel’s old school- Inubabe (Dog Stew) High. Since Excel left, however, the school has fallen into disrepair, becoming little more than a dumping ground for the worst of today’s youth.

Indeed, Excel and Hyatt’s first class could not demonstrate that fact more openly- the second years in “Sunflower” class are a bunch of lazy louts whose first act upon meeting their new teachers is to jeer (using fifties style slang) and throw cans at them. Fortunately, Excel knows just how to tame the lot of them- by scraping metal claws across the blackboard.

News of Excel’s amazing abilities with the students soon spread to the rest of the faculty, including PE teacher Aesop. Aesop is also the coach for the school’s baseball team, but thanks to the team’s poor performance, they are just one loss away from being dissolved. Aesop desperately wants to get the team back on track, but thanks to a terminal illness of the anus, he is unable to do it alone. To that end, he approaches Excel and Hyatt and asks for their assistance. Their natural inclination is to refuse, but when he threatens to lay a curse on them that will mean there will never be any toilet paper available when they go to the bathroom, they are forced to agree (or face always having to wipe with the colour inserts- the very thing that damaged Aesop’s anus).

Unfortunately, the baseball team turns out to be a sorry lot who spend all their time mixing up Mah-jongg tiles (they can’t play because they are just too stupid to learn the rules!). Aesop’s method of coaching has been to try to beat knowledge into them, but as his methods clearly aren’t working, he is happy to hand over to Excel and Hyatt. Deciding that they must instead try to reach out to these troubled youths, Excel and Hyatt present them with a glass of tomato juice, provoking an unexpected (well actually, rather clichéd) turnaround of their attitude.

Now filled with dedication, the team trains hard under their new coaches, but still something is missing. Only eight players ever show up to practice- their legendary ninth player, Beanboy, has given up on baseball and now spends all of his time at the arcade. As Beanboy’s presence is crucial to the team, Aesop takes Excel and Hyatt to find him, but Beanboy is uninterested in returning. He still blames Aesop for making a laughingstock of him by always going on about Beanboy’s “bean ball” performance at the last game. Aesop and Excel’s pleas cannot move him, but even as he sweeps them out of the way with his overlarge hairstyle, Hyatt shows him a picture of his team mates. Although Beanboy does not agree to anything, the picture seems to strike a chord.

On the day of the match, however, Beanboy is nowhere to be seen, forcing Excel to take his place as pitcher for the team. Their opponents are none other than Monkey Balls High, a crack team completely made up of monkeys; nonetheless, Excel and the team put in their best effort, playing bravely despite the amazing skills of the opposition.

Meanwhile, Beanboy is still playing down at the arcade, using his hair to whack the punchbag game and get a perfect score. Having finished with that game, he strolls away, only to notice a baseball arcade game. Remembering the match, he leaves the arcade and heads back to the school, only to hear his classmates joking about their team’s generally poor performance. Roused by their lack of faith in their own team, Beanboy’s emotions are finally stirred…

Back at the game, the magic of jump cuts means that it is now the bottom of the ninth, with the score tied at 0-0. Excel is pitching for Dog Stew, but the watching Aesop fears she will not be enough- they need the skills of the legendary Beanboy. Fortunately, in typical fashion, Beanboy makes a last minute appearance on the pitch, and asks that Excel steps down so that he can take his rightful place on the team. Agreeing, Excel heads for the sidelines, and Beanboy makes his pitch. Unfortunately, it turns out to be a no-ball, and thanks to a 100x multiplier, Monkey Balls High wins by a generous margin.

As in so many sports anime, the home team end up losing, but in the end that is unimportant, because they have learned important lessons about teamwork and friendship. And it looks like Beanboy will need that friendship, because his formerly super-rich family have just been declared bankrupt.

As Excel and Hyatt note the completion of another mission, elsewhere, poor Pedro’s story takes yet another turn for the worse. Yakuza-style thug That Man isn’t too happy that Pedro slept with his girlfriend the Great Will, and in typical mafia fashion, he has restrained Pedro so that he can drive him to an unspecified location. What will happen to Pedro now?

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