Le Chevalier d’Eon parody episode 14

Teillagory, Robin and Durand are still with Guercy.

Teillagory: Is d’Eon still getting changed?

Durand: I’ll go and have a look.

(Durand: Who knows, I may get to see him naked.)

D’Eon has just seen the vision of Robespierre. From outside the room, Durand hears him screaming at the possibility of being trapped in recap footage.

(Durand: Those screams- could he be having HARD GAY without me?)

Durand rushes into the room, only to find d’Eon on his own.

(Durand: It can’t have been HARD GAY…maybe Hyper Self Pleasure?)

Elsewhere, Robespierre stands on a pier.

(Robespierre: Hmm, long distance HARD GAY holds many possibilities.)

Later, d’Eon explains his experience to the other Musketeers.

D’Eon: Everyone, I just wanted to make something clear; it’s not that I want to keep dressing as a woman, it’s just an effect of having Lia in my body. I’ve even begun to see her memories.

(D’Eon: Yes, I must convince myself that that is the truth, for otherwise it is too embarrassing.)

Durand: Have you seen anything about me?

D’Eon: Actually, I saw Robespierre. At first it was a memory, then he was right here with me. It can’t have been an illusion- no vision has a Zhuge Liang like that.

(Durand: So he was having HARD GAY after all- and with Robespierre!)

Back in Versailles, Pompadour and Saint-Germain listen to the report of an underling.

Pompadour: So, were you able to grasp anything?

Underling: Unfortunately, HARD GAY is denied to the likes of me. I have, however, been using our new magic CCTV system to keep an eye on the heroes.

Pompadour: Excellent.

Just as she is about to continue plotting, Pompadour is summoned to Marie’s room.

Marie: Ah, Pompadour, I want HARD YURI.

Pompadour: Yes, Your Highness.

Marie: You are good at HARD YURI, Pompadour, but I cannot help feeling that you have been overstepping your bounds. Poor Anna here has been deprived of screen time because you have replaced her as Auguste’s carer.

Pompadour: I understand- I will restrict myself to plotting evil in my room so that Anna can continue to care for the Dauphin.

(Anna: Even the Queen understands my desperate need for screen time.)

Pompadour returns to her room.

Pompadour: Everyone thinks I am evil, but I am not as bad as I seem, for I was once a mother. All I want is to eliminate HARD GAY from France so that men and women can come together and create the next generation.

In Merrie Olde Englande, Guercy counts his money. Durand enters.

Durand: Payment from other lovers?

Guercy: Of course- I have them all pay in advance.

Durand: You’d sleep with anyone for money, wouldn’t you?

Guercy: They do say money is what makes the world go round. Anyway, Durand, I hope you will be on form in the bedroom tonight. The future of France depends on your performance.

Durand: People always say that, but I just like to forget about all that and have a good time.

In his room, d’Eon puts his beloved dress on again.

Teillagory: My my, you really do look like a woman in that. You’d better hold tightly to your Zhuge Liang, or you might lose it.

D’Eon: I just have to keep believing that I am a man, and hope that the plot guides me.

The musketeers attend the previously arranged HARD GAY party. D’Eon goes over to greet Wood and Charlotte.

Charlotte: Ah, Lia, I knew you would come to give me HARD YURI.

Wood: Your Majesty, I am supposed to be servicing you tonight.

Charlotte: I told you not to worry too much about that, Wood- just go and enjoy yourself.

Teillagory arrives to introduce himself.

Wood: Can it really be Teillagory himself- the greatest HARD GAY man of our age?

Teillagory: That was a while ago; the old antique isn’t quite what it used to be.

Everyone sits down for dinner.

Wood: So, Lia, just where did you become acquainted with the Queen?

D’Eon: Er…

Charlotte: It was at a HARD YURI dinner- of course, that was back before ‘Lia’ grew a Zhuge Liang.

Guercy: Ah, yes, well, speaking of Liangs, I have arranged for us to see Master Teillagory’s swordsmanship in action.

Wood: Really? Uh, I mean, I suppose I could watch it, if it’s all right with Her Majesty.

Charlotte: Now, now, Wood, I hardly think you need to hide your HARD GAY desires in this company.

Everyone moves to the next room, where a blindfolded Teillagory ‘duels’ with a generic.

(Teillagory: Ah, classic swordplay, just the way I like it.)

Wood: Bravo! This is great! HARD GAY just as it should be!

Robin uses the opportunity to slip and steal Wood’s briefcase. He takes it back to Durand.

(Robin: I guess being a useless sidekick has its advantages- no one pays any attention to you.)

Durand: Quick, we must transcribe the details of the HARD GAY techniques in these papers.

Whilst Robin and Durand begin transcribing the papers, Wood talks to Teillagory.

Wood: That truly was impressive; no active soldier could be as HARD GAY as you.

Teillagory: I have to admit that I tend to go all out when I am blindfolded- you really cannot afford to hold back in an S&M situation.

Guercy offers everyone wine and a toast is made.

Teillagory: To England and France- one a country of outstanding beauty and perfection, the other a small island of tea-drinkers!

Durand and Robin continue their transcription.

Robin: It speaks of the ways of France here…does England already know about our HARD GAY techniques?

Durand: It’s best not to read it- the last thing we need is to get distracted.

Durand and Robin finish their work, but the paper starts glowing with the ‘H.O.’ mark.

Robin: Durand, I’m being consumed by a HARD GAY aura!

Durand: Me too! I feel a sudden need for some S&M!

Robin starts involuntarily strangling himself. Durand joins in, before jabbing his sword at the glowing papers.

Durand: Take that, vile paper! You shall not defeat me!

Meanwhile, d’Eon and the others continue their discussion.

(D’Eon: I’m bored- Lia Mode!)

Charlotte: George used to a big fan of ‘swordplay’; once I found out he was HARD GAY, he seemed content to let me have HARD YURI whilst he played with the boys.

Lia: HARD YURI is indeed an important force in this world, and one that men rarely care to acknowledge. If used correctly, however, it can dispel the most violent of HARD GAY sessions.

As Lia speaks, she casts a spell that cancels the HARD GAY S&M force consuming Robin. His session with Durand and the paper ends.

At the abbey, Dashwood senses that his HARD GAY spell has been cancelled.

Dashwood: Ah, it looks as if one of my minor plans has failed, but no matter, for I will win next week!

Meanwhile, the dinner party has ended.

Wood: The swordplay was excellent, but I must admit that Lia has shown me that women have worth too. I think at our next banquet we must try some BI.

Charlotte: Lia, you must come to the palace soon for a ‘heart to heart’ talk, if you know what I mean.

Charlotte and Wood go to leave.

Charlotte: You and I are the same- we both need the embrace of another woman. Goodnight, Lia.

Charlotte and Wood leave, enabling everyone else to inspect the HARD GAY papers.

Guercy: These techniques are amazingly innovative! We must send word of them back to France immediately.

Guercy leaves.

Durand: Don’t worry; the part I handed him has a few pages missing. We can keep the juiciest techniques to ourselves.

D’Eon sits in his room, still wearing the dress.

(D’Eon: Am I a man or a woman? Even I don’t know any more.)

Elsewhere, Robespierre, Whitehead, Giuseppe and Lorenza ride a gondola along a canal. They disembark at a pier.

Giuseppe: So, that Whitehead’s another guy who likes to sleep with men of power. I guess that explains what he saw in Dashwood.

To be continued…