Koutetsu Sangokushi parody episode 1

After an OP that emphasises the HARD GAY longing between Zhuge Liang and Lu Xun, the episode proper begins. A town is being burned down, and generic soldiers menace generic townspeople.

Soldiers: Burn, burn, kill and burn everything in sight for no good reason! Every epic story starts with the burning of a village!

Lu Xun arrives, half-intoxicated with the way his hair is flowing around his face. He rescues a small boy from the soldiers, who surround him.

Soldier: Okay, men, let’s give this one a taste of our Swords!

Lu Xun: There is nothing you can do against me and my hair, for I am the main character!

Lu Xun gives the lead soldier HORSE, before leaping off his mount to give the others some Sword. As they collapse, he shows off his mighty ‘blade’.

Soldier: Such a Divine Blade!

Lu Xun slices through the ‘swords’ of the last two soldiers.

Soldier: Damn you! Without my Sword, how can I ever have HARD GAY again?

Unfortunately, his good work is partially undone when another soldier kills the mother of the boy he saved.

Soldier: Gwakaka, you may be the main character, but I can still render the last couple of minutes entirely pointless!

Lu Xun attacks the soldier.

Lu Xun: What did you do that for? My hair won’t stand for this!

Soldier: I’m generic and evil- what did you expect me to do- hand out candy bars?

As the soldier leaves, Lu Xun turns back to the surviving boy.

Lu Xun: How would like some HARD GAY with my blade, boy?

Boy: I’m not ready to take such a large blade!

The boy runs away.

(Lu Xun: Was even my magnificent hair not enough to seduce a mere boy?)

Later, Lu Xun talks to his master, Zhuge Liang.

Lu Xun: Master, I feel so powerless- why is my HARD GAY not enough?

Zhuge Liang: Boy, your skills are impressive, but this is still a harsh world, filled with numerous generics and only a few named characters. As I am sure you’ve heard, these are chaotic times, and a single Sword of Justice will not be enough. Still, this is your series, and I must urge you to find your destined main storyline, for only if you accomplish it will I show you my own Sword.

Lu Xun: Really?

Meanwhile, Sun Ce has led his extremely generic troops out to war. His mighty arrow formation prepares to penetrate the enemy’s V shape.

Sun Ce: I shall equip a key item- Lord’s Cube! With this mere cube, I can control the world by seizing my opponent’s Swords in my hand!

The generic opposing general marshals his forces.

General: We may be nameless and insignificant compared to these well-known historical figures, but there is no way we can lose! Charge!

Sun Ce: Forward, named character! Let’s have a Dynasty Warriors-style slaughter of generics!

As Sun Ce’s generals slaughter the enemy, a yellow flash of light is seen.

Sun Ce: Hyper Self Pleasure! This Lord’s Cube is great- much better than mere meat buns.

A DBZ-like aura surrounds Sun Ce as he flies over to enemy and thrusts his Sword into the earth.

Sun Ce: Gwakaka! No mere man can satisfy my oversized sword now! EARTH is what I need!

Zhuge Liang and Lu Xun watch the battle from afar.

Lu Xun: Such immense power- I feel strangely aroused.

Sun Ce approaches the enemy general.

Sun Ce: As with any Dynasty Warriors level, I can finish the stage just by killing you!

Sun Ce creates a massive yellow aura.

Lu Xun: Oh no, it’s triggered a Flashback Mode!

Lu Xun sees his father confront Sun Ce.

Father: Sun Ce, the Lord’s Cube is a powerful item of HARD GAY. If you use it, it could cause permanent damage to your Sword.

Sun Ce: I, er, I mean my country needs this!

Sun Ce kills Father with Dagger and takes the Lord’s Cube whilst Lu Xun watches.

Father: Lu Xun, do not worry about me…I was destined to die so that you would feel powerful angst for many years to come.

Elsewhere, an effeminate Cao Cao receives news of the battle.

Cao Cao: What do you mean, he said ‘Gwakaka’? That’s my evil laugh!

That evening, Lu Xun and Zhuge Liang are still staring at the battlefield.

Zhuge Liang: This is the power of the Lord’s Cube, the key item that determines the plot. The HiME star is high in the sky because of it, and so I sense it is time for you to leave me.

Lu Xun: What? Master, you promised you would show me your Sword!

Zhuge Liang: You are not yet ready to see my marvellous Sword. Go to Wu, Lu Xun, and level up your HARD GAY with them.

Lu Xun presents himself to Sun Ce.

Sun Ce: Ah yes, you must be the son of that man I killed. What can I do for you?

Lu Xun: I saw your mighty HARD GAY on that day, and I have come to service you.

Sun Ce: Gwakaka, do not think I will go easy on you in the bedroom just because you are the main character! I will show you the power of an equipped Lord’s Cube, for I am nigh immortal!

As he laughs evilly, Sun Ce is stabbed from behind. He drops the Lord’s Cube as three hooded men appear.

Sun Ce: Get away from that! Without it, I am a mere novice in the bedroom!

Whilst Lu Xun fights the hooded men, Sun Ce staggers around, waving his dagger at the enemy. It is easily reversed by his opponent and plunged into him.

Sun Ce: Why did this have to happen? I thought I was an important character!

The Lord’s Cube floats in the air. Lu Xun reaches for it, and is engulfed in a HARD GAY aura as a new weapon encases his arm.

Lu Xun: This burning Pleasure! I can’t control it!

Whilst Lu Xun writhes around in Raging Pleasure, the hooded men steal the Lord’s Cube.

Sun Ce: Since I am not dead yet, I must counsel you to find the Lord’s Cube. It is your only hope of controlling the heights of Pleasure.

Sun Ce finally dies, and the Pleasure dissipates. Lu Xun runs after the hooded men, but he cannot catch up.

Lu Xun: Master, why is all this happening? All I ever wanted was to see your Sword!

Lu Xun collapses.

To be continued…