Tuesday Rumble: June 26th

A guide to anime hair

Anime hair is a strange thing- it completely refuses to obey the normal laws of physics, requiring a whole new set of regulations to be written out for it.

• Don’t worry about dye- exotic and unlikely colours can and will grow naturally. In fact, in some worlds they are more prevalent than normal hair colours. Bi- or even tri-coloured styles are also possible.
• Hair will only ever grow if the plot demands it; otherwise it just remains in the exact same style indefinitely.
• White or silver hair is not a sign of age, and is in fact desirable if you wish to look evil and mysterious.
• Hair is extremely difficult to damage, to the point where only the most damaging and stressful of situations can have any effect on it.
• When cutting one’s hair, it is imperative to just hack at it with a knife- somehow it will automatically fall into a perfect style.

Starting out in an MMORPG

You’ve just signed up for the latest and greatest MMORPG, and what you want to do now is play, right? Unfortunately for you, the creators have devised a method to ensure that you spend plenty of time and money on the game before you even get to attack your first slime.

• Installing the basic game must take at least 3-5 hours, after which you must download no fewer than three massive update packs. Trying to pause these updates and resume later will usually result in a crash that forces you to start again from the beginning.
• Once you are finally ready to log on, you must create a character from an extensive range of custom classes, as well as choose from a wide range of weapons and armour. For the indecisive, it could take up to three weeks just to settle on all the many customisable options.
• Before actually playing, you must complete a compulsory tutorial field consisting of ten separate missions.

Nodame Cantabile 16

“Are you interested in ‘blowing’ ‘instruments’?”

“This harisen is a representation of my Liang!”

“It has turned many pianists into men.”

“Their first time was painful, but they all thanked me once they had done it.”

“Except for one person, who may have been STRAIGHT.”

Nodame Cantabile 20

The purple roses signify HARD GAY attraction.

“I can’t wait any longer- I need HARD GAY with you!”

“What? Did you just say HARD GAY?”

“Stop teasing me and get your Liang out!”

Short parody: Kaleido Star New Wings

New characters Leon and May arrive.

Leon: Look at my long, lustrous hair- no one is as bishie as me. Sora, you may have completed the Legendary Great Manoeuvre, but you are nothing compared to me- get off the stage.

May: I just got here, but I’m already better than you, Sora! I’m going to be the next star!

Sora: Wait a minute- I’m the main character!

Fool: I’m sorry, but it is time for your angst arc.

Sora and May compete against each other.

Sora: It’s no good- even after proving myself a true star last year, I’m still not a true star!

Leon: Last year you got through on main character destiny alone, but when it comes to basic strength, you are still lacking. Since everyone else here is generic or a supporting character, I shall choose May to be my partner instead.

May: Yay, I’m on stage!

Leon: Oh, by the way, I’m a complete jerk who likes to mess with my partner by randomly dropping her.

Leon drops May, causing both her and Sora not to trust him.

Layla: Hello, I’m randomly back to dispense advice. Sora, even though Leon is a complete jerk, it’s somehow your fault.

Leon and May go to the Circus Festival. Sora decides to see if she can go with Yuri.

Yuri: I know I was evil last season, but that’s water under the bridge- now I’m your friend again.

Sora: Wait, this is only the season halfway point- I can’t win just yet. Instead I must forfeit the competition and enter an angst arc.

Sora goes back to Japan for some angst, before realising her place is on the stage.

Sora: I always thought my place was on the stage, but now I know my place is most certainly on the stage! Not just any stage, though, but a happy fun one full of sunshine and laughter.

Sora returns to Kaleido Stage, but her contract has been terminated.

Sora: It’s okay- I’ll do odd jobs for free! Who cars about living expenses?

Kalos: Fine- it’s just until the plot lets me hire you again, anyway.

Leon: I never respected you before, Sora, but now I see that you may be destined partner after all!

May: Hey, what about me?

Leon: Who are you again?

Leon and Sora start practising for this season’s ultimate move- the Angel’s Manoeuvre.

Fool: If you master this, you will be a True Star!

Sora: What about the Legendary Great Manoeuvre?

Fool: What’s that?

After much training, the Angel’s Manoeuvre is ready, but Layla and Yuri appear to challenge Sora and Leon.

Layla: I know I quit the stage ages ago, but I have randomly returned to challenge you, Sora!

The challenge begins.

Mia: It’s no good- Layla may have years more training, but she lacks Main Character Destiny.

Layla: Sora, you have surpassed me, as a main character should. Now I can retire- again.

This Week in Anime

HORSE is ready and waiting for anyone who wants it.

Clare gets a taste of giant apple.

Red apples are smaller, but by travelling in groups they can hold their own against their giant green cousins.

All sorts of fruits have taken to using this group tactic in order to defend against Big Green.

This is how to conclusively deal with an apple.

June Anime Awards

The Finally Finished Award for Completed Subbing goes to Aria the Natural for coming to an end almost nine months after the series finished airing- at least it was well worth the wait.

The Better than 1337 Award for Consistent Excellence is shared between Darker than Black, Dennou Coil and Emma II.

The Mediocre Looks Good Compared to this Award goes to El Cazador de la Bruja, which might have started improving over the last couple of weeks, but can be said to be exhibiting much in the way of quality.

The Gender Bender Award for Blatant HARD GAY Cross Dressing goes to Koutetstu Sangokushi for its characters of relaxed and undefined gender (what is Liu Bei? Is it a man or a woman?).

The Sumptuous Setting Award for Superior Architecture goes tro Romeo X Juliet, which boasts a nice setting even as we grieve over the loss of HORSE.

The Mustn’t Catch Up Award for Slowing the Pace goes to Saiunkoku Monogatari, as the anime puts on the brakes to prevent itself from catching up with the novels.

The I’ll Read the Manga Instead Award for Losing All Momentum goes to Claymore, now on hiatus after the dull episode eleven as I switch to the manga.

The Where’s The Plot Award for Stagnation goes to Seirei no Moribito, now mired in filler at this early stage.

Anime World Tour: Hunter X Hunter

Welcome to the weird and wonderful world of HxH, a place of bizarre creatures and powerful warriors. To get the most out of this world, learn to control the life energy known as Nen and become a Hunter by passing the yearly exam (details vary each year, so don’t expect any tips). Your Hunter license will earn you access to most places in the world, enabling you to dominate the Celestial Arena battle tower, or test your skills on real life “video game”Greed Island. Be warned, though, the world is currently under threat from the deadly Chimera Ants, so caution is advised when visiting.

OST Spotlight: Final Fantasy VII

Although this is styled along the same lines as the FF6 OST, the move to Playstation sees the music taken to the next level with some slightly more complex themes. As is often the case, the energetic battle music and poignant slower themes are the most memorable, whilst the military style tracks are the weakest. It’s somewhat rough around the edges, and can’t really match up to the later FF OSTs, but amidst some of the more pedestrian looping themes, a rare gem emerges. You’ll probably want to pick and choose your favourites instead of listening to the whole thing over and over.

Notable tracks: Prelude, Fighting, Flowers Blooming in the Church, Still More Fighting, Electric de Chocobo, J-E-N-O-V-A, Aeris’ theme, Jenova Absolute

Mini-rant: Damn you, Manga Entertainment

I rarely buy UK Region 2 DVDs anymore, but I do rent them regularly, and so it is that I must rant about the annoying defects in quality on DVDs released by Manga Entertainment- a company who promised to put in quality control in 2006 as if it was some new and innovative concept, but who actually showed no improvement even after that point.

For those who prefer dubs, Manga will not seem too bad, but switch to the subtitles, and problems begin to crop up. For starters, on-screen text is rarely translated, meaning that important plot points may well be left incomprehensible to the vast majority of viewers. What subtitles are proved are all too often riddled with errors such as inconsistent naming, whilst the now-infamous fifth volume of GITS: SAC has the text encased in irritating black bars- an error that was not even fixed in the thinpak release as promised.

Such annoyances may seem small, and indeed there are bigger things to worry about in the world, but after watching several Manga Ent. DVDs in a row, their lax approach to subtitle quality can become hard to ignore. Is it no wonder that people continue to import?

In Your Reflection

This week we take a look at two similar villains- Cell from Dragonball Z, and King from the Chimera Ant arc of Hunter X Hunter. Aside from their physical similarities, both are designed to be superior beings effectively completed from “lesser” allies (Cell needed to absorb two androids, King was born from Queen), who the heroes must eventually fight.

Fashion Police: Kharg

Last week his brother came under fire, but this time around we look at Arc: Twilight of the Spirits’Kharg, who may have gotten away with a more human appearance, but who has little in the way of dress sense. The arm guards and boots may be more dull than offensive, but choice of colours in the tunic leaves little to be desired, and the less said about those hideous shorts, the better. Why must heroes insist on wearing these schoolboy length shorts?

Fashion sense: E

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: rumble roses doujinshi, hard yaoi, you toube, your toube

azureflame romance: tj han is looking for romance among the female bloggers again.

common puny owl archer “phantom brave”: Make up your mind, although I commend you for playing Phantom Brave.

hard gay costume: Take your pick, but make sure it unbuttons at the rear.

.Hack G.U. hentai: Again?

how to start a diary farm: A diary about the farm, or a farm where one grows diaries?

Removing a bikini: shouldn’t be too hard if you’re the one wearing it, otherwise I can’t guarantee your safety.

yugi meto: Yugi Mutou perhaps?

were to by beyblade: u mite want 2 trie a shoppe.

anime episodes- blindfold: I don’t know if there’s much point watching anime blindfolded, although it would improve certain series.

h scenes utawarerumono walkthrough: Everyone wants those H-scenes, you perverts.

Ginga densetsu weed gay: Now, now, that was one parody where I didn’t even mentione HARD GAY.

shishi dog tattoo: My secret career as a tattoo artist continues.

anime blog maker: A brand new technology, Anime Blog Maker enables you to put in a few keywords and generate a complete anime blog with minimal effort! Throw out WordPress and install it today!

Initiation Harem: Someone wants some harem action.

ginga densetsu weed party stuff: Hey, want to come to my Weed themed party? We’re all going to dress as brown dogs.

old romance games where girls are the bo: If only WordPress recorded the complete sentence.

“pipe fox” plushie: How cute.

meaning of cat soup: Cat Soup only has meaning when one is taking mind-altering substances.

anime with magical violin: That’ll be La Corda d’Oro then, unless there are more magical violins out there.

gay-and-horse: HARD GAY and HORSE- every man’s ideal combination.

spells to repel evil: Evil begone!

dragon ball z hard yaoi: Someone’s really into this.

best beyblades spinning tops: Let’s Beyblade!