Tuesday Rumble: January 8th

Extracts from the book of HARD GAY: Koutetsu Sangokushi

Part II: Shu

Liu Bei: A youthful lover, effeminate to the point that no one really knows his (or her) true gender. Despite his lack of experience, his uncertain sexuality should please those who like to experiment.

Zhuge Liang: God’s own son, a master in the bedroom. Few have seen him “tackle out”, and it will take someone very special to get the full HARD GAY treatment from him.

Guan Yu: A rough and direct lover, consumed by the Lord’s Sphere to the extent of becoming violent in the bedroom.

Zhang Fei: Similat to Guan Yu, only even more lacking in finesse.

Zhao Yun: A skilled and secretive lover, he likes to laugh at any partner inferior to him. Only those able to keep up with his swift technique need apply.z

Part III: Wei

Cao Cao: In any other world, Cao Cao would be refined and effeminate, but as it stands he is more masculine than the other kingdom leaders. A man who prefers unpredictability and bondage in the bedroom, a night with him may be exciting, but not necessarily for the right reasons.

Cao Ren: A rough and boorish lover, not recommended except in the most desperate of circumstances.

Zhang Liao: A quiet lover, prefers to remain submissive in the background.

Xu Zhu: Likes to cosplay as a Man in Black- bring your nurse and maid costumes for a fun, kinky night with him.

*NEW* Dragons’ Den: Death Note

Welcome to a brand new feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral‘ first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

First into the Den is Light Yagami, looking to secure investment in his new innovation, the Death Note.

Light: Hello everyone, I’d like to present my business idea- the Death Note. Basically, you write down a person’s name whilst picturing their face, and then they will die of a heart attack or other specified cause. Using this, you can quickly eliminate your business rivals and increase your profits.

Cardinal: Hmm, and how will this be better than the system I’m already using?

Light: It’s no mess, no fuss- instant killing!

Admiral: Can I ask you something? Did you actually come up with this idea yourself?

Light: Uh, no- it actually belongs to the world of shinigami.

Admiral: So any shinigami could come down to Earth and put one of these on the market?

Light: Hmm, I suppose so…

Admiral: That’s it- I’m out.

The Admiral has declared herself out already, and Light is in for more bad news when President Aria has his say.

Aria: Punyu [this sort of thing goes against my morality, so I’m out].

Aria is out, but could Mr Tibbs be about to throw Light a lifeline?

Mr Tibbs: So, Light, have you any proof that this thing can actually make money?

Light: Well, the Yotsuba group used it to great effect.

Mr Tibbs: But they were caught, weren’t they?

Light: I’m sure you’re smart enough not to get caught.

Mr Tibbs: Well, quite.

Cardinal: Would it be possible to perhaps take this product in a slightly different direction? I mean, killing people is all very well, but what if I just want to teach them a lesson? Would it be possible to make a sort of Punishment Note that just gives them an electric shock or something?

Light: I’m afraid it’s death or nothing.

Cardinal: In that case, I’m out.

Mr Tibbs: I’m going to declare myself out too.

Tibbs and the Cardinal are both out; now all of Light’s hopes rest with Mikoto. Mikoto has remained quiet throughout the negotiation, but now she is about to reveal her hand.

Mikoto: I’ve been listening to all this, and I actually like the idea. You see, there are a lot of annoying characters in Mai-Otome, and so far there’s been no way to kill them off. With your Death Note I could change all that, so I’d like to invest.

Light: I’d like to accept your offer. Hail Kira!

After a tough time in the Den, Light has walked away with the deal he wanted, but will he write the names of the Dragons down in the Death Note? We hope not, or there’ll be no follow up to this feature!

Bokurano

“I am the Bartender, here to mix you your destined drink.”

“Look, I don’t have time to go over my life story so you can decide what that drink is- just get me plain old water.”

“I’m really into shogi ever since I watched Shion no Ou!”

“Do you think I could take my shogi board business into the Dragons’ Den?”

As far as dialogue goes in this sort of situation, this has to be the worst line ever.

Gonzo reveals their next plan- a spin-off studio called Sagonzo.

Poor guy- tired out from too much HARD GAY.

“I know I said I’d given up HARD GAY, but I couldn’t resist!”

“They’ll get their Liangs out no matter how much you try to stop them.”

Yes, there’s a lot of things you can’t do when you’re dead- say stupid lines, for one.

HARD GAY corner: Atelier Iris

As an alchemist, Klein Kiesling was well versed in using his “cane”, but unfortunately, he just couldn’t seem to shake off the interest of women. At last, however, he found an older and more experienced lover in the form of Delsus, before later catching the eye of expert “swordsman” Arlin. Unfortunately, Arlin was so obsessed with his ex-lover Mull that he frequently went off for Hyper Self Pleasure instead of committing to his new partner, forcing Klein to confront Mull in battle in the hopes of removing him from the equation entirely and winning Arlin’s heart. He was even undeterred on finding out that Arlin was just a Pleasure toy created by Mull- after all, androids are programmed with multiple techniques.

This week in Anime

Hands up who remembers Quantum Leap.

“What the f*ck do you mean, I’m not allowed to f*cking swear!?”

Brown dog plots revenge for its fallen comrades.

“It would become this big!”

Is that Kyo from Fruits Basket lurking in the background?

The secret base of the tomatoes is discovered.

Advertising, anyone?

“Oranges, fresh from their traversal of the Antarctic wastes.”

“Don’t you like my new girlfriend?”

Apples find a new champion.

Mini-editorial: Do we stop being ourselves the more popular our blogs become?

When we start blogging, it is usually in a sea of obscurity- no one knows us, hardly anyone reads us, and the anonymity afforded by the net enables us to rant about what we wish without fear of reprisal on the dreaded Letter Bomb Night.

Nonetheless, as the blog draws attention from readers, aggregators and fellow bloggers, there may well be a tendency to abandon the plain-speaking of the earlier days and adopt an outlook more suited to fitting in than expressing ourselves. If all our contemporaries like Lucky Star, then how tempting it must be to either agree with them to avoid being called an insensitive idiot, or to deliberately provoke them with flaming about the series- all regardless of our actual feelings about the show.

Aside from the occasional flame-baiting by the usual suspects, however, does this sort of thing actually happen as our readers turn from faceless generics into named characters? Do we start conveniently sweeping our dissenting opinions under the rug so that everyone will like us? Do we conveniently fail to admit the guilty pleasure found from sneakily watching certain series? Or do we go the opposite way, and try to antagonise other bloggers for the sake of hits? If people want to do such things, who are we to dictate what they write on their blogs? Perhaps all we can do is respect those brave enough to sit alone at their computers and post their true opinions under an alias.

Reverse Harem of the week: Akane Motomiya (Harukanaru Toki no Naka De)

A character so useless that even in the original game all she could do was use Cheer to motivate her AI controlled party members, Akane managed to make men fall in love with her for no apparent reason.

Harem

Tenma: The possessive wife-beater, and most likely to become Akane’s boyfriend. He becomes extremely paranoid and jealous whenever she as much as looks at another man.

Shimon: The good natured and optimistic shota- voted most likely to love Akane from afar for all eternity whilst serving as Tenma’s whipping boy.

Inori: The hothead young man who initially claims to have no interest in girls.

Tomomasa: The seductive older man with an eye for the ladies.

Yasuaki: The gentle mystic whose cold professionalism hides an innocent heart.

Yorihisa: The honour-bound samurai.

Takamichi: The scribe with a mother complex- most likely to become a family man in later life.

Eisen: The gentle and innocent musician.

Akram:The demon and main villain of the piece, he has an unhealthy fascination with Akane.

Rivals

Ran: A rival priestess and Tenma’s long-lost sister.

Shirin: A female demon who adores Akram and tries to seduce Takamichi.

Sefuru: A young male half-demon who befriends Shimon.

Amusing Search Terms

“fate/stay night” anime continue: No, it must never continue!

gay yaoi: Is there any other kind?

childhood in victorian England: can be best researched on an anime blog.

Amusing Spam

“Topless Putin: Russia goes ga…

MOSCOW: Few could have predicted the squall of gossip and speculation that would follow after Russian President Vladimir Putin stripped…”

This made me laugh so much.

“POWELL…

To much to shallow. This just sounds to liberal for me. Kinda brings back some memories of dating sites….”

So sorry- let’s keep things conservative for now.

“slave porn…

free sex slave training…”

Free, you say? Hmm…