Lately, Akismet has been catching a lot more spam, a lot of it by “John Smit Jr.”, quite possibly the evil son of Mai-Otome’s John Smith, here to punish me for ranting about the series so much. Some of the spam is entirely bizarre, however- who bothers to advertise “horse barns”?
How to create a classical RPG
1. The game must begin in a small village in the middle of nowhere, which is blessed by a special elemental crystal of Wind. The lead is a young man who lives with his adoptive parents.
2. One day, a force of evil comes to attack the village and steal the crystal. The village is attacked and burned down, although rebuilding will begin the next morning.
3. Lead learns that he has special destined powers and resolves to fight the evil. He is given a basic sword.
4. Lead now travels through the world, fighting monsters which are conveniently progressively stronger the further he gets from home.
5. Lead will meet the following party members who share the same destined powers:
a. Lead female and love interest. Her attack abilities are completely useless, but she is a white mage or healer.
b. An older warrior who is either a swordsman or hand-to-hand fighter. He will have some past connection with the lead, and may even turn out to be his grandfather.
c. A spunky female with a bladed weapon.
d. A lecherous old black mage.
e. A young prince who has left home and concealed his true identity in order to see the world. He may also be replaced with a loyal knight- both will be polearm users.
f. A member of a different humanoid race, either an axe-wielding giant or an anthropomorphised animal.
6. Locations visited will include Water City, Earth Town, Fire Cave, Desert, Forest, Port Town and Snowy Mountains. At one point in the game, the party will have to cross the ocean by boat, during which time there will be a Ghost Ship event.
7. Towards the end of the game, a giant boss castle will appear from nowhere. The entire world will become covered in evil, and monsters everywhere will become stronger.
8. The final boss will also have destined powers, but wishes to use them to return the world to nothingness. S/he will have three or four different forms, each larger and uglier than the last.
The ending of Ergo Proxy: reinterpreted
Operation Glass Wang is deemed to be a failure after the subject suffers severe trauma upon implantation.
The final confrontation takes place at the ultimate HARD GAY altar.
“I’m HARD GAY, you’re HARD GAY, we’re all HARD GAY here.”
“NOOO!!! I refuse to listen to your lies!”
“These are HARD GAY matters; women need not attend.”
Even Yata would be jealous of this dual screen setup.
The truth is revealed.
For a moment it seems as if the HARD GAY future is in jeopardy.
HARD GAY will brook no interference.
The Ultimate Remake Project
Following the debut of our version of Kanon, Kyoto Animation would like to introduce the Ultimate Remake Project! This ambitious scheme aims to remake each and every non-KyoAni series to our own specifications; in this way, we will never run out of ideas be able to present many series as they were meant to be! So, if you think that Gonzo always messes up manga adaptations, or that Sunrise has overdosed on a few too many of those ‘special’ mushrooms, don’t worry, because our new versions will erase all of your concerns! Initial remakes include Fate/Stay Night, Mai-Otome, Utawarerumono and Night Head Genesis.
Weekly Awards
Magic CCTV of the Week: Every villain needs a magic CCTV with which to keep an eye on the heroes, but it isn’t enough to just watch them, you have to do it in style. With characters such as the main villain of Burst Angel and Haruka 8’s Akram mere novices at the task, only two candidates remain to battle it out over the title- Tsubasa Chronicle’s Fei Wong, who never stirs from his chair for fear of missing an episode of Syaoran TV, and .hack//Roots’ Yata, who pays his MMORPG subscription fees to sit and watch everyone else on his widescreen setup.
Fat Cat Honourable Mention: Although he didn’t live long enough to challenge the greats, the fat cat seen in the first episode of D.Gray-man deserves a mention for supporting the cause of obese felines in anime. Since he wasn’t given a name in the episode, I have christened him “Big Boss”.
The ‘1337est of the 1337’ Desert Island series: With so many series being dropped or falling under the rant category, it only seemed right to highlight a couple that I actually enjoy. First up is SaiMono, the incredibly absorbing tale of political manoeuvrings and high-ranking bishies, whilst second place goes to Le Chevalier d’Eon, a historical fantasy that always remains good no matter how perilously close it gets to the realm of cheese.
Obsession Phase of the Week: Once, I professed that Utawarerumono was my greatest obsession, but in typical fashion I have now laid that aside in favour of something else- Hikaru no Go. I never thought that a Shounen Jump series about a board game could be so enjoyable, but somehow HnG is just incredibly addictive in both anime and manga form. My love of the series has shown me how little I have been enjoying certain other series, which have consequently been dropped from the schedule. I’ve even been playing Go against the computer on a 9×9 board.
Apple of the Week: From Apple Gig and NHK to the best characters in the early episodes of Zegapain, apples have always had a part to play in anime, and this week was no exception. Whilst a cart of them made a brief appearance in Chevalier, the winning entry must of course go to Death Note, for shinigami Ryuk’s curious addiction to the juicy fruit.
OST Spotlight: Air TV CD I-II
Air is set during the summer and the music perfectly reflects this; a mix of piano and synth that captures the laidback mood of the season and blends it with more mysterious and melancholic elements. Admittedly, there are a lot of visual novel style filler tracks, but its power to evoke the strong emotions of the series works in its favour.
OP/ED: Full version, short version, dream version (ED) and off-vocal version.
Notable tracks: Tori no Uta, Natsukage, Kannagi, Giniro, Aozora, Hane, Farewell Song
Worthiness: Easy listening for when you want to have music playing but not intruding too much.
In Your Reflection
This week’s head to head pits Tsubasa Chronicle’s Sakura against Kimi ga Nozomu Eien’s Haruka.
-Both have similar hairstyles (at least to start with) and eye colour.
-Neither is the brightest spark.
-Both have gaps in their memories.
-Both spend a rather large amount of time asleep.
Amusing Search Terms
The hilariously misdirected
“Fate/stay knight review”- this amused me simply because it reminded me of the existence of the live action Faith Stay Knight feature.
“ragnarok battle offline configuration”
The confusing
“Air hokay games”- perhaps I cannot fault anyone for wanting to play “air hokay”, but how can this have anything to do with my blog?
“t”- after last week, I actually Googled the letter t to see what kind of sites such a search would generate, and I can conclusively say that my blog was not on the first nine pages of the six-million-plus results list.
“you toube”- this won’t give up its position easily.
“Yuri Hacks”- hacking into the yuri archives?
The terrifying
“hakuoro dress”- Hakuoro in a dress? Could his secret fetish have been uncovered?
