18th century Paris is seen. D’Eon narrates.
D’Eon: It was a time of chaos and darkness, of HARD GAY, HARD YURI and BI. I, d’Eon de Beaumont, would like to tell a story of this time, of the comrades who warmed my bed, and of the shameful secret that shaped my life.
The corpse of a woman is washed up on the banks of the Seine.
D’Eon: The corpse was that of my sister, Lia de Beaumont, and when I saw it, an unfamiliar urge began to awaken in me.
D’Eon equips his ‘sword’ and rides to Versailles. He meets up with his fiancée Anna.
Anna: D’Eon, are you still preoccupied with your sister?
D’Eon: Now that I know she is dead, I can no longer enjoy the siscon that I once had. I must start thinking of new ways to satiate my desires.
King Louis XV comes outside and approaches d’Eon.
Louis: Ah, d’Eon, I see that you are the main character of this new series, however, I must remind you that I am the King, and thus due respect even from destined leads.
Louis moves on.
D’Eon: I tire of this place; the plot demands that I go to Paris.
D’Eon rides to Paris and enters a special HARD GAY gentlemen’s club (aka the secret police).
D’Eon: I heard that another woman went missing this month.
Generic Man: It is because all these women have gone missing that we have all had to turn to HARD GAY.
D’Eon: I blame the evil foreigners, for they are foreign and thus evil.
D’Eon wanders the city stabbing his ‘sword’ into objects and looking for clues. In one warehouse, he is attacked by generics.
D’Eon: Hah! You generics are no match for my whistle! HARD GAY underlings, I summon you!
D’Eon blows his whistle and the HARD GAY forces mobilise. The generics are soon arrested and interrogated. D’Eon chooses to read the Bible instead of interrogating the prisoners.
D’Eon: I must maintain my status as a pure-hearted main character, so I will not use painful interrogation methods.
After getting permission from the Duke of Orleans to arrest the evil Russian believed to be behind the kidnappings, d’Eon and fellow HARD GAY spy Bernice uncover a basement filled with women.
D’Eon: This is clearly a lair of evil. We must find the evil Russian as soon as possible. Generics, you attend to that tasks- Bernice, I want you to come to my room. I have something to show you.
After some HARD GAY, d’Eon shows Bernice some special documents.
D’Eon: Since I am the main character, I have these documents that may pertain to the plot.
Bernice: In that case, I will leave hunting down the Evil Russian to you.
Bernice leaves, and d’Eon enters Flashback Mode, recalling a time with his sister.
D’Eon: Sister, why are you going out and leaving me again?
Lia: D’Eon, my life does not just revolve around you. Just stay here and wait for me to come back.
The next day, d’Eon goes to the crypt of the church where his sister’s body is kept. He is intercepted by the Queen’s page, Robin.
Robin: I am sorry, but I must take your ‘sword’. The Queen does not approve of such a symbol of HARD GAY.
The Queen is praying by Lia’s coffin. She is holding a skull with the letters ‘NGM’ on the forehead- the same letters that were in d’Eon’s documents.
D’Eon: Your Majesty, I won’t ask just why you are holding a skull in your hands, but I must know why you have those letters written on it.
Marie: I could just tell you, but instead I will cryptically point you to a passage in the Bible that may help you.
After the Queen sings Lia’s praises, d’Eon goes outside to talk to Anna.
Anna: Lia was a wonderful person who I greatly admired.
(D’Eon: Lia, Lia, Lia- she’s all anyone ever talks about. I suppose if I want to increase my popularity, I must become more like her.)
D’Eon researches ‘NQM’ and the evil Russian before reporting to the King.
D’Eon: Your Majesty, here is the progress of the plot so far. We believe the evil Russian was aided by the Duke of Orleans, who is well known for his evil role in stories covering this period of history. Please let me do the honourable thing by secretly arresting him.
Louis: You may ask him questions over a pot of tea and crumpets, but do not torture him- that is only for nameless generic commoners.
D’Eon: Thank you. One more thing- I may come into conflict with the ‘Bureau of Secrets’. If I do, may I draw my ‘sword’?
Louis: You are the main character, so do as you wish.
That evening, d’Eon confers with his HARD GAY colleagues. After deciding on a plan, they all draw their ‘swords’ and stab them into the same point on the floor.
Unfortunately, everything goes wrong when the nameless HARD GAY colleagues are all slaughtered.
D’Eon: Everyone! Where will I go for HARD GAY now?
D’Eon finds a ransom note asking him to bring his plot documents in exchange for Bernice’s life.
D’Eon: Bernice is a named character, so I’d better go and rescue him.
D’Eon has his ‘sword’ re-forged and heads to the site of the exchange. He finds a grey-skinned Bernice chained to the wall.
Bernice: D’Eon, even though I was given a name, it seems my time is already up. Please kill me, for I have become an evil zombie.
Bernice breaks free and starts attacking d’Eon; their ‘swords’ clash.
D’Eon: I finally understand that HARD GAY is not enough for me! Activate female form!
D’Eon transforms into Lia.
(D’Eon/Lia: In this way I can indulge my forbidden desires and gain popularity.)
Lia: Even though I am now female, I can still wield a ‘sword’! You will fall to the power of my BI!
To be continued…