Le Chevalier d’Eon parody episode 5


The Four Musketeers hold a meeting. Teillagory polishes his ‘sword’.

Durand: Whilst off screen, I was able to discover some information about the evil Russian. He’ll be attending a meeting with a tailor at eight tonight.

Robin: You mean he’s going to work during Easter?

Durand: He’s an evil Russian- you can’t expect him to care about religious holidays.

Robin: Is this information reliable?

Durand: I got it straight from the script, so of course it is.

D’Eon: Even so, the evil Russian must know we’re tracking him.

Teillagory: Don’t worry about. We’re the heroes, so we’re bound to win out in the end.

Robin takes d’Eon aside for a private word.

Robin: I want to be useful for once, so why don’t you leave this job to me and go and see Anna.

(D’Eon: Anna? Anna who? Oh, that must be the name of the woman I’m engaged to. I was hoping Robin was going to offer me some HARD GAY, not send me off to see some woman.)

D’Eon: Oh well, I suppose there’s nothing better to do.

D’Eon and Anna go to Longchamps together.

Anna: You know, d’Eon, you always used to take forever in confession as a child.

D’Eon: I’m sorry, but even then I felt as if I must tell the priest all my forbidden desires.

D’Eon attends confession.

D’Eon: Father, I must confess everything. I want to be a pure and righteous main character, but there are many dark passions hidden within me. I have inappropriate feelings for my sister, and for other men.

Priest: Yes, well you’ve always been that way inclined.

D’Eon: But now there is more! I have started wearing lipstick and transforming into a woman!

Priest: Perhaps there is nothing I can do for you. Here, take some random words of comfort that may or may not help.

Next, Anna attends confession.

Anna: Father, I feel uneasy. I have lost faith in my betrothed, for he never seems to want to spend time with me, and because of that, I do not get much screen time. I am jealous of the time he spends lusting after his sister and HARD GAY comrades.

Priest: You are forgiven, for who could not help feeling annoyed at being so close to the main character and yet still suffering from reduced screen time?

Meanwhile, Orleans stands at his window and looks outside.

Orleans: Everyone is happy and smiling outside, but because I am both rich and evil, I must stand here and watch them whilst contemplating villainous schemes.

(Saint-Germain: You fool. You are just a mid-boss compared to the greater evil.)

D’Eon and Anna head home. From their carriage, d’Eon gazes out on the poor.

(D’Eon: I cannot bear to look on these people, for they are poor, and thus ugly and generic. We must take another street so I can pretend the problem does not exist.)

D’Eon notices a carriage being accosted by commoners.

D’Eon: This looks like a job for a righteous main character! Driver, take the woman home.

D’Eon heads out to distract the commoners, but stops when Voronzoff emerges and beats them back with a sword.

Voronzoff: Don’t touch me, peasants, for I am evil and Russian.

Voronzoff’s carriage continues on its way.

D’Eon: Conveniently enough, there is a carriage just over there so that I can follow the evil Russian.

D’Eon follows Voronzoff to a marketplace, and then tracks him on foot to an alleyway. Voronzoff turns around.

(D’Eon: Damn, he spotted me- and I was a whole three feet behind him!)

Voronzoff: Are you one of my fangirls?

D’Eon: Don’t make me laugh- you are ugly and Russian, whilst I am the main character!

Voronzoff: That does it; I summon Convenient Carriage from Nowhere!

A carriage appears and Voronzoff gets on it.

D’Eon: Damn, he’s outwitted me- all I can do is stand here and watch as he gets away.

D’Eon returns to Musketeer HQ.

D’Eon: I’m sorry, everyone, but Voronzoff tricked me by getting off his carriage and then getting on it again.

Teillagory: Oh well, it might have ruined the plot if you’d caught him so soon.

Durand: Actually, this is all within my predictions. Now we can catch up to him and shake our fists ineffectually as he leaves the country.

D’Eon: I like the sound of that plan. Let’s get ready.

Voronzoff forces his driver to ride hard for Le Havre.

Driver: The horses can’t keep up this pace! They’ll die!

Voronzoff: Do you think an evil person like me cares about horses? I will give you money so that you can magically make them survive until we reach our destination.

Driver: You know what they say- money makes the world go round.

The Four Musketeers chase after Voronzoff.

D’Eon: It worried me that Voronzoff is so confident. Could there be a traitor among us?

Teillagory: Hmm, I wonder who it could be- the righteous main character, the loyal page, the man who was working for the King all along, or me, the suspicious old man who is bowing to an unknown person in the OP.

D’Eon: We’ll all have to give it a lot of thought, and if we’re lucky, it will just be some nameless character.

Meanwhile, Orleans is talking to a crowd.

Orleans: Although I have done nothing to deserve it, worship me, for I am Orleans.

The King arrives.

Louis: Orleans, no matter how much you posture, mine is still bigger than yours. Remember, you will never be HARD GAY enough to rule the country.

Orleans: Even you are not as HARD GAY as Louis XIV.

Louis: Louis XIV is dead; he cannot be HARD anything now.

The Four Musketeers reach the docks.

D’Eon: It’s too late- his carriage is already here.

Driver: I’m afraid my passenger left on that boat that’s just pulled out of the dock.

D’Eon: It’s about two hundred metres away- much too far away to row out to.

As the boat sails away, Voronzoff talks to Robespierre.

Robespierre: Observant viewers will have noticed me from the OP, and now the time has come for me to get the screen time I deserve!

At some later point, the Four Musketeers question Orleans and report to the King.

D’Eon: Your Majesty, Orleans was only a minor mid-boss.

Broglie: In that case, consider his time in the spotlight terminated. We must move on to the next arc.

Madame de Pompadour hears a report on current events.

Pompadour: France is getting too HARD GAY- men aren’t even attracted by my good looks anymore. My plan will reinvigorate their passion for women.

To be continued…

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