Le Chevalier d’Eon parody episode 9

Robin and D’Eon change out of their dresses and into the garb of a palace chamberlain and royal guard respectively.

Robin: Are we really doing the right thing by changing back into men’s clothing and going to the Empress’ personal quarters? It almost feels as if we’re betraying HARD GAY.

D’Eon: I’m a little uneasy about it too, but I think it’s the only way we can further the plot.

Robin: I’m sorry, I just can’t do it. You’re the main character- you go on ahead.

D’Eon is taken to see Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: It is amazing that you should so closely resemble my dearest Lia. Not only was she my HARD YURI partner, but it was she who gave me the courage to change Russia. She always said it was right that a French woman should change Russia, since France is heroic and good, and Russia is dark, cold and evil. And soon, you will able to see the same things that Lia saw.


D’Eon: In that case, I have something to tell you. I am HARD GAY, and under orders from the King not to contaminate myself with women.


Elizabeth: Your ‘swordsmanship’ was indeed impressive; it would be strange for the King not to want to use your talents.

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D’Eon: I must also tell you that I am on a special mission that guides the direction of the plot.

Elizabeth: Since you are the main character, who am I, the Empress of Russia, to interfere? In fact, I will give you some helpful advice- the key to your success lies in hunting down a man named Voronzoff.

D’Eon: Actually, that is what we were trying to do anyway.

Elizabeth: Voronzoff was once loyal to me, but he became evil and embittered when it became clear that I could never love him as much as dear Lia. I should have arrested him myself, but I knew that that would ruin the plot, and so I abstained. I should warn you, however, that Voronzoff is now only a mid-boss in the employ of Grand Chancellor Bestuzhev. Bestuzhev is a powerful man, and any conflict with him could result in the end of Russia itself.

(D’Eon: Who cares what happens to Russia? It is a cold and evil place.)

Meanwhile, Bestuzhev is raging at Voronzoff whilst Robespierre watches.

Bestuzhev: Damn you, Voronzoff! Just because you are a weak mid-boss is no excuse for letting the heroes get away! How can I make my MANLY future a reality with all these women and HARD GAY Frenchmen running around?


(Robespierre: This man is laughably pathetic, but I must stand here if I wish to have any screen time.)

D’Eon and Robin return to the inn where Teillagory and Durand are waiting.

(Durand: Damn, they came back just as we were about to elope.)

Durand: Why are you wearing soldiers’ uniforms now? Didn’t you leave here in dresses?

Robin: Ah, we were given a personal invitation to Elizabeth’s quarters- but don’t worry, neither of us betrayed our HARD GAY principles.

Durand: Well, we’ve been busy as well. We met up with a mysterious woman who conveniently told us that there will be another attempt on the Empress’ life, and that the evil Russians will blame us.

D’Eon: A woman? Who was it?

Durand: Well, she was wearing a thin veil, and since most women look alike to me anyway, I can’t really say who she was.


Teilagory: Based on what we could see of her design, though, she was definitely a named character.

Robin: Can we trust her? She is Russian, after all, and therefore most likely evil.

Durand: It looks like we’ll have to choose which mission to complete- “Capture Voronzoff” or “Save Elizabeth”.

Everyone looks to d’Eon.

D’Eon: Well, since Lia was Elizabeth’s HARD YURI lover, and thus single-handedly responsible for the alliance between France and Russia, I know she would have wanted us to save the Empress.


Durand: If it’s what Lia wants, it must be the right thing to do.

D’Eon goes to tell Elizabeth about the suspected assassination attempt.

D’Eon: For that reason, you should stay at home tonight.

Elizabeth: I refuse to postpone a visit to my lover. If I start getting frustrated, it could adversely affect my ability to rule.

As Elizabeth goes out to see her lover, Bestuzhev talks to Voronzoff.

Bestuzhev: Look at that despicable woman, going out to sleep with a man again. Voronzoff, we must kill her tonight so that the MANLY era can begin.

Voronzoff: Tonight? What about the heroes?

Bestuzhev: Gwakakaka, when have heroes ever foiled the plans of ugly villains such as ourselves? Nothing can possibly go wrong, provided we only rely on MANLY men of Russia.


Later, Voronzoff reports to Robespierre, Lorenza and Giuseppe.

Robespierre: Bestuzhev may only want to rely on Russians, but they are all generic and evil. What he does not realise is that I am an OP character, and thus must take priority over him.

That evening, Elizabeth dines with her lover. Voronzoff has his masked men surround the place. Outside, Voronzoff hears a disturbance and runs indoors. Robin appears to be dead downstairs, whilst upstairs Elizabeth and her lover also seem to have been killed.

(Voronzoff: This is perfect, and not a trick at all.)

Voronzoff does not notice that two of his masked men are Durand and Teillagory.

(Durand: I knew these small masks would perfectly obscure our faces.)


Voronzoff orders his men to withdraw. He and Bestuzhev report to Pyotr.

Pyotr: Yay, I’m the Emperor! The Emperor, I tell you! Yay!


Bestuzhev goes to spread the news to the other nobles.

Bestuzhev: Yes, that foul woman, I mean our beloved Empress is finally dead! It is a true tragedy that this slut was killed by my men, I mean that HARD GAY Frenchman d’Eon de Beaumont.


The door behind Bestuzhev opens, and Elizabeth enters with the Four Musketeers.

Generic: S-she’s behind you!

Bestuzhev: Oh no, she isn’t!

Elizabeth: Oh yes, I am! For I am not dead at all! In fact, this was all a carefully orchestrated plan, and now we have evidence that Voronzoff was the one who tried to kill me, and that you were involved.

Bestuzhev: Damn you! My plan failed, er, I mean, I have no idea what you are talking about.

Elizabeth: Guards! Take him away!

Bestuzhev: Noble and MANLY men of Russia, heed my words! HARD YURI independent woman and HARD GAY men are not to be trusted! Only REAL MEN can guide the future of this country!


The Four Musketeers ride away in their carriage, but Elizabeth is waiting to see them off.

Elizabeth: Before you leave, I would like to introduce you to my lovers- by which I mean every able man in Russia. By sleeping with me and gaining my favour, they increase their chances of being promoted to high office. I truly believe that this is the way forward for my country.


(D’Eon: Those poor men, forced to abandon HARD GAY and take up with a woman.)

Meanwhile, Voronzoff takes the sword that ‘killed’ Elizabeth to Robespierre.

Robespierre: It is clear that your HARD GAY ‘blade’ experience was insufficient to deduce that this blood was nothing more than tomato sauce.

Robespierre transforms the sword into red fragments.

Robespierre: Behold my HARD GAY power; my plans shall soon come to pass.

To be continued…

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