Tuesday Rumble: November 14th

I usually use this section to ramble about a random and vaguely relevant topic that no one really cares about, but given the sudden resurgence of the great “blogs need this, that and the other” debate (well, I guess corydorf got his wish of making people refer to other posts, go trackback power!), I thought I’d just comment on that instead. I guess ‘improving the blog community’ is a noble goal, and fair play to anyone who wants to give it a go, but personally, I can’t help agreeing with Impz when he says you may as well just write about you want to.

To be honest, while I do have a tendency to check my stats page rather often, I have absolutely no intention of caring about what someone tells me I should and shouldn’t write. Regardless of whether it’s old and irrelevant, or new and covered by 60 other blogs, if I want to write about it, I will. Ironically, a lot of my content is original, but I actually started the parodies even before I had a blog, and even when I posted them here I had no idea if anyone would read them.

Since I’d rather blog about anime than about blogging, that’s pretty much all I have to say for now, except to point out one thing. Excessive loquacity does not make you a superior writer; the mark of a good writer is being able to convey a point clearly and concisely without having to run their work through thesaurus.com.

On a completely unrelated note, I also saw a few clips from the Uta English dub yesterday; I barely watch dubs anymore, but I really don’t remember them being as bad as this one- “My mask- why can’t I take it off?”. They could have at least used the parody script.

Now, back to business…

How to be Evil Part One: Picking Your Henchmen
Ever wanted to be a final boss villain but didn’t know where to start? Never fear, this new ‘how to be evil’ series was mad just for you! From the best locations for final boss castles right down to what attire to wear, it will all be covered here. This week, we’ll begin by covering what to look for when hiring henchmen.

1. The most important thing is to hire underlings of varying strength and ability; the strongest lieutenants will remain closest to your headquarters, whilst progressively weaker will be stationed further out. This gives the hero a well balanced learning curve for levelling up.

2. When picking your most trusted lieutenants, there is a standard model which must be adhered to. Try to ensure that you include at least three of the following:

a. A seductive female with long black hair. Her special power may be based on poisons and pheromones, and if possible, she should be an ex-girlfriend of the hero.

b. An intensely loyal semi-bishie or older man. It will require extra effort, but whenever you have a spare moment, use it to wander around saving angsty semi-bishie teenagers and grooming them to become your loyal underlings.

c. An ugly and generic warrior who provides an easy warm-up for the hero.

d. A smart and scheming young man who will continually mess up your plans by acting on his own.

3. All of your generic warriors must look exactly the same. Uniformity is a sign of evil.

4. Guards must be particularly stupid and prone to falling for the most basic tricks the heroes play on them. A sadistic streak is recommended.

Ginga Densetsu Heroin
First it was Gin, then Weed, so what better to follow up with than an even stronger drug? In this sequel to Ginga Densetsu Weed, a brave female dog named Heroin must gather allies and brown dogs in a desperate attempt to defeat the evil black dog overlord, Darklore. Complete with cameos from Weed characters and main character spots for their descendants, Ginga Densetsu Heroin will run for 100 volumes in manga form, and will be adapted into a 52 episode anime series in 2024. Expect dogs, violence, and, er, more dogs!

Short Parody: Death Note

Light finds the Death Note.

Light: Mwahaha, at long last I can use this to kill everyone who wronged me- that teacher who gave me a B in primary school, that kid who used to look at me strangely…er, I mean, I’ll use it for a noble goal like killing ‘criminals’. Yes, ‘criminals’…like that kid…

L: Oh no you don’t, Light! I am Justice, and I will stop you!

Light: You’ll never get me, L! Here’s twenty minutes of exposition about how I plan to outwit you!

L: Twenty minutes is nothing! Here’s thirty minutes of exposition about how I already anticipated your moves and prepared for them!

Light: Hah, that’s just what I wanted you to think! Now I will take forty minutes to explain how I prepared for exactly this scenario…

Ginga Nagareboshi Gin 4 parody

Where other men favour swords and guns, Hidetoshi is an advocate of a whole new type of HARD GAY weapon- the bow.

Daisuke is intrigued after learning that a ‘bow’ is more powerful than a ‘rifle’.

Hidetoshi is eager to train Daisuke in the ways of HARD GAY with ‘bows’.

Hidetoshi explains that HARD GAY is about the combination of raw power and special techniques.

When there are no HARD GAY partners available, bestiality is acceptable.

Whether you choose to sleep with man or dog, you must pick a good partner.

Completely entranced by Hidetoshi’s words, Daisuke selects both a HARD GAY weapon and a canine partner.

A series of training stills sees Daisuke metamorphose into a muscular HARD GAY man.

It’s better to wait than attempt HARD GAY in adverse conditions.

Nonetheless, poor Daisuke has lost his nerve.

Weekly Awards

Product Placement of the Week: Variations on well-known companies such as McDonalds and Fedex have long been a part of anime, but this year sees product reach new levels. Whilst Nana tries to encourage us all to smoke brand-name cigarettes, nothing can compare to Code Geass’ reliance on Pizza Hut. Noble Japan may be fighting the evil Western empire of Brittania, but at the end of the day, Pizza Hut is the true winner.

Want fresh breath? Then try .hack brand Grunt Mints, available from all good stores.

Butterfly of the Week: Where series such as Bleach and Red Garden use butterflies to indicate the afterlife and its accompanying mysteries, Busou Renkin takes butterfly use to new levels with its villain, Papillon. A man who likes to reach around inside his thong for his butterfly mask, Papillon’s very appearance is so disgusting and terrifying that it takes a strong stomach just to look at him, let alone fight him.

Abe no Seimei of the Week: The legendary mystic has had many roles in anime, from the eccentric creator of the Abenobashi Shopping Arcade to Yasuaki’s mentor in Haruka 8 and Masahiro’s grandfather in Shounen Onmyouji. The prize for the best Abe no Seimei, however, must go to Otogi Zoshi; a series which I didn’t rate highly at first, but which is now starting to grow on me (I have yet to see the Tokyo arc, however).

Still More Magatamas: For the third week in a row, Magatamas must be mentioned, as Akiko of Shounen Onmyouji dons a bead and magatama necklace.

Flower Conversation of the Week: Chatting to flowers is oddly common in anime, with both Souta of Otogi-jushi Akazukin and Camus of Meine Liebe possessing the strange ability to talk to plant life. A newcomer’s prize must be handed out to Gargoyle of the Yoshinagas, however, as Futaba gains a helmet that enables her to talk to plants.

OST Spotlight: Eremetar Gerad (Elemental Gelade)
Using Yuki Kajiura’s work on what is basically a straightforward action series may seem like an odd choice, but nonetheless the results speak for themselves. Kajiura applies her usual blend of orchestral and synth to good effect, producing what is effectively a videogame soundtrack with a slightly Celtic feel. Unlike her more melancholy work on other series, EG offers a somewhat more cheerful and upbeat selection- creating a whole that is consistent with Kajiura’s usual style but by no means tedious or repetitive.

OP/ED: TV edits.

Notable tracks: Forever…, Ningen no Dougu, Kaishuu Meirei, Bijo to Yajuu, Hyouteki Lock-On!!, Doukei no Hadou, Chotto Mattero, Fuuin

Worthiness: Not up to the level of Kajiura’s best pieces but still an essential purchase for fans of her work.

In Your Reflection

This week sees a head to head between three fiery redheads- Midori of Mai-HiME/Otome, Akiko of HanTsuki and Makoto of Chokotto Sister. All three have outgoing, forward personalities and aren’t afraid to speak their mind, but only Makoto seems to have a liking for fondling other women’s breasts.

Amusing Search Terms

uknighted manganime game: Sorry, wrong blog.

.hack//roots manga dragon: I was with you right up to the moment you typed dragon.

ginga toss: Is this some kind of brown dog throwing game?

you toube: Back for its eighth consecutive week.

anime strangling: This one scares me slightly.

buso renkin gay: Not just gay, but HARD GAY.

ginga densetsu weed 27: Sorry, it doesn’t exist.

heero yui “going to kill you”: It says something about the popularity of Gundam Wing when my Jyu-oh-sei parody tops the Google results for this.

lambda eight anime: Unless this is really meant to target Love GetChu!, I have no idea what it’s looking for.

RPG Maker XP Resources “Overdrive”: Unfortunately, I’m just as in need of RPG Maker resources as everyone else.