Le Chevalier d’Eon parody episode 11

Catherine thinks back to her last exchange with Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: Catherine, I would like to thank you for your actions on behalf of the plot, and also offer my wishes that you will one day reach the same level of greatness and HARD YURI as my dear mistress Lia.


Later, Peter is practising his evil laughs when Robespierre comes to visit him. Catherine eavesdrops from outside the room.

(Catherine: What is this? Is he up to HARD GAY again?)

Peter: I’m so glad you’re here!


(Robespierre: I have no interest in having HARD GAY with the likes of you- all I want is the screentime I deserve.)

Robespierre: Elizabeth, enemy of HARD GAY, is dead.

(Catherine: Oh no, there go my chances of HARD YURI with the Empress.)

Meanwhile, Voronzoff and Lia are still duelling when the building they are in starts to collapse.

Voronzoff: Convenient Escape #892!

Voronzoff runs away, causing Lia to revert to d’Eon even as Durand carries him out of the collapsing building. In moments, only a pile of rubble remains.

Durand: Lucky it held together long enough for us to get out, eh?

D’Eon: That’s just one of the benefits of being a main character.

The Four Musketeers start making their way back to base, but are intercepted by a veiled Catherine.

Catherine: I bring you more plot related information. The Empress is dead, potentially nullifying several episodes worth of effort.

Everyone gets into Catherine’s carriage.

Teillagory: You know, it’s about time you revealed your identity- I don’t know how we’re supposed to recognise you behind that thin veil and small mask.

Catherine removes her mask.

Catherine: I am an important named character, and also a HARD YURI supporter of Elizabeth. I have prepared a safe house for further exposition.

At the palace, Peter, Robespierre and the recently released Bestuzhev look at Elizabeth’s body.

Peter: Yay, I’m the Emperor! I am the Emperor! Yay!

Meanwhile, Voronzoff reports in to Giuseppe and Lorenza.

Giuseppe: Gwakaka, everything is going to plan. Here, Voronzoff, have a drink.

(Voronzoff: I can hardly refuse, but I must not drink too much- if I get too drunk I will start singing embarrassing songs and dancing on the tabletop.)

Catherine and the Four Musketeers reach the safe house.

Catherine: Bestuzhev and Peter are minor villains who must be overthrown as quickly as possible. Only I understand the complex balance of lovers and HARD YURI required to run the country.

As the funeral is held, our heroes wander freely, completely disguised by loose hooded robes.

Generic 1: I suppose Peter will become Emperor now, ushering in a new HARD GAY regime.

Generic 2: I wouldn’t feel right ‘serving’ him- I’d rather be the lover of a beautiful woman.


D’Eon angsts by the riverside.

D’Eon: I can’t believe that this is happening. Evil is not supposed to win- it’s meant to be defeated on a weekly basis.

Robin: D’Eon, I’m sure this is only a minor setback- good will surely win out in the end.

Back in France, Saint-Germain keeps abreast of events using his magic book.

(Saint-Germain: If only magic CCTV was around in this era; words just aren’t the same as pictures.)

At the Russian Court, Peter and Bestuzhev address the nobles.

Bestuzhev: The death of the Empress was clearly the work of those Frenchmen, for we are all well aware that foreigners are evil.

At the safe house, the Four Musketeers talk.

Durand: No doubt the forces of evil are blaming us for the death of Elizabeth.

Teillagory: We must tread carefully, or we might get sent to Siberia, and that’s the last place I want to go- it’s cold, and HARD GAY is banned!


Elsewhere, Robespierre talks to Voronzoff.

Robespierre: You have survived for a remarkably long time up until now, but do not think you can steal my screen time forever. The Psalm is already ruining your body.

Voronzoff: I knew that my generic design doomed me to an early death, but I am determined to depart in style.

Back at the safe house, Catherine talks to the Four Musketeers.

Catherine: I wish to fight for Russia’s future, by which I mean that I will sit back and let others fight for me. Will you men become my loyal lovers, er, I mean ‘knights’?


D’Eon: I am sorry, but whilst I will help you as far as the plot dictates, the King of France is the only ruler I can serve in the bedroom.


Having been invested as the new Emperor, Peter holds court with the nobles.

Noble: Sire, we need your input on some important matters.

Peter: I’m the Emperor; why do I have to bother with trifling matters like ruling the country? Just do it yourself.

Catherine’s generic retainer stands.

Retainer: Sire, there is one last piece of business to attend to. I put it to you that it was Emperor Peter and Grand Chancellor Bestuzhev who killed Elizabeth!

Bestuzhev: Damn you! It’s all lies!

Catherine enters, dressed in Elizabeth’s imperial finery.

Catherine: I’m afraid that I’ve been rather busy off screen, gathering evidence that I can use to have Peter removed from the throne. I will be the new Empress!

Bestuzhev: Don’t think that you can get rid of me so quickly and conveniently just because I have a generic design! No one will recognise you as Empress unless you take at least three episodes to put your plans in motion!

D’Eon and Robin enter.

D’Eon: France will recognise Catherine as Empress, and as everyone knows, France is the most important and influential country in the world!


Catherine: Already I have gathered many generic lovers who would rather serve me than undergo HARD GAY with the likes of you! Loyal lovers, arrest the traitors!

Catherine’s men suddenly appear.

Voronzoff: Convenient Escape #893!

Voronzoff, Peter and Bestuzhev all run away.

Robin: D’Eon, you are the main character- you’d better chase after them.

The fleeing Peter finds himself face to face with Teillagory. He tries to stab the old man, but misses.

Teillagory: Your ‘swordsmanship’ is hardly a match for mine.

Teillagory captures Peter, whilst Bestuzhev runs into Durand.

Durand: Even a mere ‘dagger’ is enough to best you.

Robespierre appears.

(Robespierre: No man shall have HARD GAY with one of my partners.)

Robespierre uses unspecified powers to kill Bestuzhev from afar.

(Robespierre: Such is the intensity of my HARD GAY.)

Robespierre: Ah, Durand, it’s been a while since we crossed ‘swords’.

Meanwhile, d’Eon catches up with Voronzoff.

D’Eon: We don’t have a stage this time, but let’s resume our duel.

Back in France, Pompadour receives the report of Peter taking the throne. Saint-Germain enters.

Saint-Germain: I’m afraid your information is already out of date. Catherine is now Empress.

Pompadour: How can you know about that already?

Saint-Germain: Oh, just a little something that will come to be known as magic CCTV.

Voronzoff and d’Eon continue their duel.

Voronzoff: In the days before my eyes were opened to my generic, villainous design, I tried to be a good man and support my lover Elizabeth. I agreed with her when she said she wanted to get rid of the nobility, at least until I realised that she included me in that as well! She would have had me cast off the name of Voronzoff, in favour of something less memorable!

D’Eon: I’m sick of hearing your excuses! Just accept that you’re a minor villain that no one cares about!

Voronzoff: That may be the case, but I can still string out my inevitable demise for as long as possible! Purple Words Mode!

The word ‘Psalms’ appears repeatedly on Voronzoff’s skin, and he resumes the never-ending duel.

To be continued…

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