Useful as they are, sometimes it’s hard not to hate computers. For example, over the last few days Winamp has developed a tendency to crash as soon as it is loaded, despite the fact that I have not changed any settings or done anything discernibly different to before. My poor beleaguered machine is frequently scanned for all the usual problems, but the deterioration seems inevitable.
How to be evil: motives and mannerisms
So, you’ve got the clothes, the henchmen, even the lair, but at this point you might start wondering just why you wanted to become a villain in the first place, and how you should act now that you have chosen the path of evil. Well, never fear, for this week’s guide is just for you.
- When choosing a motive, always remember to make it flimsy, ridiculous, and ultimately related to the destruction of the world, galaxy or universe. Whether you wish to improve the human race or help sick donkeys, you must twist your logic into concluding that your goal needs the destruction of everything.
- Nonetheless, if you can’t actually think of a goal, there is no real cause for concern. Simply adopt the ‘Fei Wong’ method of keeping your aims unclear, and randomly exclaiming ‘everything is going to plan!’ no matter what actually happens.
- In order to determine your demeanour and mannerisms, it is important to decide which sort of ‘evil personality’ you wish to adopt. Some of the more common types are covered below.
a. Cool and calculating. No matter what happens, you must be cold, emotionless and ruthlessly efficient. You do not suffer fools gladly, and will execute anyone who dares to cross you.
b. Borderline psychotic. As well as a somewhat juvenile mentality, you are afflicted with bipolar disorder- one minute you are sulking in the corner and ordering the execution of your closest lieutenants, but the next you are laughing and praising your underlings for coming up with the perfect scheme. Despite your dramatic and flamboyant nature (not to mention your elaborate costumes), the heroes find you incredibly easy to foil.
c. Tragic past. An event in your past turned you into an obsessive, so fixated on one goal that you will go to any lengths in order to achieve it. Nothing must stand in your way, and if it does, you will mercilessly crush it.
d. Consumed by the Lord of Evil. You are merely a puppet, possessed by the will of the generic black smoke that epitomises the Lord of Evil in your world. You may struggle against his will, and will possibly be forgiven at the end.
Regardless of specifics, most villains favour an evil laugh of some sort. Practise variations on “mwahahaha”, “kukukuku”, “kekekeke”, “gwakakaka” and the like.
- Unless you have chosen to be a cold villain who hates small animals, you must have an evil mascot of some sort. Your chosen mascot must have dark skin or fur, and either be fast and lithe or fat and evil; common choices include crocodiles, snakes, ferrets and cats. If the mascot can talk, it should be subservient to you, but generally act in a superior fashion to your other lieutenants. You must be besotted with your mascot, no matter what anyone else thinks of it.
Goodbye Kitty: the evil twin of Hello Kitty
Love it or loathe it, no one can deny the influence of Hello Kitty- the cute white icon has spawned no end of merchandise, and these days she even has her own airline. Nonetheless, Hello Kitty’s domination has always been incomplete; no matter how many people were willing to accept her into their lives, there would always be a hardcore element who simply found it too embarrassing or undesirable to be associated with such a cute and girly image.
Fortunately, if you count yourself among those people, there is no need to despair, for Goodbye Kitty has been created for your benefit. The evil twin of Hello Kitty, Goodbye Kitty is a lean, mean, killing machine- a merciless black-furred army commander who instils fears into her subordinates. Whether her chubby paws are gripping a machine gun or simply ordering the execution of a prisoner, Goodbye Kitty is the perfect mascot for those wishing to retain their hard, MANLY image.
Short parody: Burst Angel
Sei puts together her team.
Sei: I’ve been watching a lot of Bubblegum Crisis lately and I thought it would be a good idea to put together my own mercenary team. Amy, you’ll be the annoying juvenile computer hacker; Jo, you’re the only one who’ll be any good in battle, and Meg, I have a special role for you- I want you to get kidnapped every mission so that Jo will fight especially hard just to rescue you.
Jo: Fine, but just one question- what are our goals? Does this series even have a plot?
Sei: Plot? What’s that?
Twenty episodes later, an evil villain appears.
Villain: Gwakaka, I am evil- you can tell because I sit in this isolated room watching magic CCTV all the time! My goals are, uh…
The villain flicks through his copy of the script.
Villain: Well, um, let’s not get into that right now. Forward, my minions- we must be evil!
Jo’s nemesis Maria appears and captures Meg.
Maria: I have had no character development whatsoever, but when I saw the strength of the HARD YURI between you and Jo, I knew I wanted in on it. I’m sure if I brutally murder Jo, you’ll be my partner instead- that must be how it works.
Meg: I’d never leave Jo for you, no matter what happens!
Maria: Damn you! If you won’t be HARD YURI with me, I won’t let you be HARD YURI with anyone! I’m going to kill both you and Jo!
Maria and Jo get into a final showdown.
Jo: Look, Maria, it’s getting close to the end of the series, and to be honest, the animation budget is running out. You won’t be able to pull off any flashy moves because the animation staff simply can’t afford it.
Maria: Okay then, let’s just circle each other and fire our guns a few times.
Jo and Maria ‘fight’ for a while. Just as Maria seems to be getting the upper hand, she gives up.
Maria: I’m sorry, Jo, but I’ve just had a call from the director to say my contract has expired, so I’m ending this fight for no real reason.
Jo: It’s probably for the best; we’ve only got about one episode left to resolve the ‘plot’.
Meanwhile, the evil organisation has taken over Tokyo and started menacing random generics. Kyohei looks up from his revision.
Kyohei: What’s going on? Can’t be anything important.
Jo and Meg run off for some HARD YURI in the forest until Takane arrives to remind them that the series still needs some kind of conclusion.
Takane: Jo, Meg, I’m sorry to bother you, but an evil organisation has taken over Tokyo and we only have about eight minutes of screen time left to defeat them.
Jo: All right, let’s defeat them.
Meg: I’m coming too!
Jo: Meg, I’m sorry to tell you this, but I think the time has come to break up with you. HARD YURI with you is getting boring, and quite frankly, I’d rather get together with an experienced woman like Sei.
Jo knocks Meg out with a blow to the head and goes off to destroy the organisation of evil.
Villain: Gwakaka, you’ll never defeat me!
Jo defeats him in a matter of seconds. Meanwhile, Meg awakens.
Meg: Damn you, Jo, I’ll show you for leaving me behind! Now I’m going to dress as you and star in my own series- Burst Angel Meg! I’m sure the production staff will- hello, is anybody listening?
The all-new 1337 selection: Every so often, the best picks of the current viewing list needed to be given the attention they deserve, and this is one such time. Whilst SaiMono and Aria easily hold onto their top ranking positions, they are now joined by Gargoyle of the Yoshinagas, Le Chevalier d’Eon and Asatte no Houkou as part of the ‘must watched as soon as acquired’ selection.
Bananas of the week: Apples have had their time in the spotlight, but this week is the turn of bananas- recent contender Busou Renkin and longtime staple Sakura Diaries both try their best to corrupt the image of the innocent banana, but neither can compare to Zipang, which presents not just one, but a whole bunch of the yellow fruit.
Poor animation of the week: A ‘did monkeys animate this?’ award must go to the penultimate episode of The Third, which features animation so bad that it is clear the animators had long since gone on holiday by this point.
I can’t believe I’m wasting even a few kilobytes of my allocated WordPress storage for this.
‘Damn you’ honourable mentions: “Damn” is never far from the lips of anime characters, as the following two screencaps from Jyu-oh-sei and Black Lagoon demonstrate.
OST Spotlight: Now and Then, Here and There
A lesser known name among OSTs, NTHT may not be among the big hitters when it comes to music, but it still makes a surprisingly worthy effort. Akin to a collection of “tracks each anime series should have”, the OST encompasses a wide range of tunes, from sharp, fast-paced electronic themes to slower, haunting piano pieces. The twenty minute opening track and the looping nature of the other themes may cause your attention to wander during some sections, but in general this is a solid attention to any OST lover’s collection.
Notable tracks: Decadence, Run Up, Tumbling, Here and There (OP).
In Your Reflection
This week’s head to head comes courtesy of Necromancer, who pointed out the similarities between Shounen Onmyouji’s Mokkun/Guren and Daxter from the Jak series (admittedly an American game series, but I’ll stretch the rules this once). Both are wisecracking know-it-alls who spend of their time as furry mascots riding around on the shoulders of their partner characters, but whilst they each have a human form, only Mokkun can change back into his.
Amusing Search Terms
busou renkin doujin: *sigh* more doujin searches.
pokemon first episode parody: sorry to disappoint, but I don’t even watch Pokemon, let alone parody.
Higurashi no Naku Koro ni hot springs: can’t say I recall that happening.
cat on acid: poor cat.
your toube, you toube: eleventh week.
still mai sprite, mai hime sprites: sorry, no one can steal my sprites until my game is done.