Last time on Jyu-oh-sei: The plot was revealed to be completely ridiculous, Odin explained his desire to become a final boss with unlimited HARD GAY partners, and certain characters switched sides for no apparent reason.
And now the conclusion…
Thor, Third, Loki and the generics prepare to enter part one of the final boss dungeon on Hecate.
Loki: It looks like Valkyrie has locked down the Ion II research centre and turned it into a special boss dungeon just for us.
(Thor: Thank god I brought all these expendable generics along.)
Thor: All right, let’s enter the facility. I’ll stand here at the back whilst the generics risk themselves by going first.
Begin Level One: Plant Panic!
Thor’s team enters the facility, only to be confronted by an overgrowth of plants from Chimera. Some generics rush ahead and get eaten by the killer plants.
Thor: Stay back! I can’t afford to lose all my generics on the first level!
Third: Equip Flamethrower!
Third burns the plants so that the party can proceed, but another generic is eaten by a Verasona.
Thor: Leave this to me, my Anti-Verasona level is high. Item Use- Grenade!
Thor lures the Verasona out with a grenade.
Thor: Now for some impressive manly antics! Third, cover me!
Third: You know, now that we all know my name, I wish people would start using it.
Thor: You can’t expect me to change my ways just for the last episode.
Thor shoots the Verasona bulb, killing it.
Thor: This must have been the boss enemy, so that means we’ve cleared level one.
Third: Don’t get complacent; there’s more to come.
The team moves on.
Level One Clear! Begin Level Two: Beast King Brawler!
On the next level, the generic Jyu Ohs are unfrozen and sent to attack the party with intense HARD GAY.
Generic: AAGH! The HARD GAY is too much for me to take!
Third: Thor, ‘shooting’ these naked men could take a while- why don’t you and the professor go on ahead?
Thor: You’re right- we can’t afford to waste time on the last episode.
Thor and Loki move on to the Jyu Oh storage room. Despite having bothered to stay behind, Third and the remaining generics finish up quickly enough to be right behind them.
Loki: Oh no, this is an infinite enemies level!
Thor: In that case, we’ll just have to cheat.
Thor shoots the pods that store the Jyu Ohs before they can revive.
Loki: What are you doing? Those are important HARD GAY samples!
Thor: Hey, I thought you said I was the most HARD GAY of them all! These nameless men cannot compare to me!
Thor kills the sleeping Jyu Ohs, only to trigger a holographic projection of the Earth.
Level Two Clear!
Loki: It’s a cutscene!
The synthesised voice of Thor’s mother is heard.
Eva/Valkyrie: Thor, you must understand that our plans of evil are not entirely pointless. Humanity must do what it can to survive, since the Earth was actually destroyed 130 years ago. In a spectacularly contrived twist of plot, it was hit by the same meteor that had previously passed by Chimera and changed its rotation speed.
Third: The Earth is gone? Are you trying to tell me that everything I’ve worked for has been completely pointless?
Thor destroys the holographic projector with some random shots that just happen to hit their target.
Thor: Join the club. Now come on, we still have several levels to complete.
Begin Level Three: Computer Chaos!
The team moves on to the computer room.
Loki: There shouldn’t be any enemies on this level. I’ll just input the code to shut down the evil final boss process.
Unfortunately, the code does not work.
Thor: There’s nothing for it- we’ll just have to destroy Valkyrie.
Loki: Wait, you can’t do that! It’ll cause an explosion, and bring down the shield so we can’t escape, and, erm, well I’m sure there’s some other important reasons as well.
Thor: For heaven’s sake, old man, just make up your mind whose side you’re on!
Third: Generics, fire at those computer panels!
The generics destroy the computer panels in front of them, which somehow takes down the whole Valkyrie system.
Level Three Clear! Begin Level Four: Mega Scramble!
Loki: What have you done?
Third: The game timer has started counting down. Our mission objective is to reach the helipad on the roof within twenty minutes.
Loki: You fool- no one could do it in less than forty!
Third: Thor’s the main character- I’m sure he’ll find a way.
Back at evil boss HQ, Odin’s underlings report to him.
Underling: Valkyrie has been destroyed! The Ball of evil and doom is moving erratically.
Odin: Damn, why isn’t everything going to plan? What did I do wrong?
Underling: Something strange is happening- there’s a huge growth of Musa on the surface!
Down on Chimera, Zagi has somehow found the strength to go outside. Tiz approaches him.
Tiz: Zagi, what are you doing?
Zagi: All I ever wanted was to be the main character- in fact, when I signed up to take part in this series, I thought I was getting the lead role. It wasn’t until episode two that I realised the series was about Thor.
Tiz: I don’t really understand what you’re talking about, but you have to get to safety. Thor would be mad at me if I let his favourite HARD GAY partner die.
Tiz: Well, he didn’t kill you after your last encounter, so he must like you.
As Chen and Rada come out to get Tiz and Zagi, a random Night Ring generic appears to avenge his people.
Night Ring Generic: Damn you, Zagi! Die!
The generic fires his gun.
Tiz: Pointless Self-Sacrifice!
Tiz takes the bullet. Moments later, the ground opens up and swallows the generic, whilst Tiz and Zagi fall into the newly created crevasse.
Chen: Tiz! Why did we have to have this pointless twist?
Meanwhile, Thor and the others are climbing the maintenance ladder to the helipad when a Verasona bursts out of the wall and attacks.
Thor: I thought there were no enemies on this level! We’re going to run out of time if we have to stop for random encounters.
Loki stays behind.
Loki: Don’t worry, Thor! Run away like a man whilst I lock down this section and keep the Verasona contained!
Third: Keep going, Thor- he’s just an unimportant character!
The party leaves Loki behind as he locks himself in with the Verasona.
Loki: Go, Thor…go and spread BI throughout the galaxy.
Odin receives a report about the Balls of evil and doom.
Underling: Four of the Balls have stopped! The other two have been blocked by the Musa roots!
Odin: Is it over yet? The plot is getting really stupid now, and I just want to go home and have a cup of tea.
At the bottom of the crevasse, Zagi cradles Tiz in his arms.
Zagi: Tiz, you can’t pointlessly die in the last episode! Pull yourself together.
Tiz: I just wanted to live out the series, but the studio couldn’t afford to pay me for the last seven minutes of this episode.
Zagi: Well, that’s one less rival for Thor’s love.
Thor and Third reach a locked door.
Thor: For some reason I can’t open it.
Third: This must be a switch puzzle…ah look, the switch is on the floor in front of us.
Third goes over to the switch, but a quake from the lower levels causes him to fall over the edge into the maintenance shaft. Fortunately, Thor catches him just in time.
Third: Thor, just let go of me! The most important thing is that the main character survives!
Thor: I won’t let go! If you die, who am I going to have HARD GAY with?
Third: I guess you won’t let go no matter what I say…after all, I was the one who introduced you to Chimera’s HARD GAY techniques and made you what you are today. Making a lengthy speech whilst hanging over the edge of this maintenance shaft isn’t ideal, I know, but I won’t get another opportunity. You see, my contract has just expired, and it’s time for me to go.
Third draws a gun and shoots himself in the head.
Now alone, Thor reaches the helipad, only to find that the helicopter is buried in a pile of rubble.
Thor: Is this it? How can I ever complete this game?
For some reason, Thor’s skin starts getting darker.
Thor: Must be my magical DNA at work.
Thor sees a vision of Tiz cosplaying as Reika from RahXephon.
Thor: Tiz, all my other partners have deserted me- you’re all I have left.
Level Four Complete! Cutscene on!
Conveniently, an aircraft of generics appears to rescue Thor.
Thor: Wait, Tiz is still down there! It makes no sense that she would be standing on top of this building in a cream dress, but we can’t leave her behind.
Thor struggles as the generics take him on board.
Some time later, Thor visits Odin, who is recuperating in bed.
Odin: I wanted to be a final boss and have HARD GAY with you, but since there’s only about three minutes of this series left, I’ve given up on all that. I’m just going to leave Chimera alone from now on.
Thor: All I ever wanted was to leave Chimera, but now I see that the plot just went downhill once I got away from there.
Down on Chimera, Chen and Rada rescue a girl who looks like Tiz.
Rada: Taking in another child?
Chen: Now that the Rings have collapsed and no one’s being sent down from above, we need to concentrate on finding home-grown partners for Thor.
Thor arrives, now with black hair- he seems to have absorbed the appearances of Third and Tiz into his own.
Thor: Your name will be Tiz. Now come with me- Daddy has something special to show you.
The end- yes, the pain is over at last!