Tuesday Rumble: April 17th

This week, I must begin with an extract from a hilarious e-mail that Amazon sent me last night.

“We’ve noticed that customers who have expressed interest in “Tokyo Mew Mew Vol. 2: v. 2 (Tokyo Mew-Mew)” by Mia Ikumi have also ordered “Advanced Bacterial Genetics: Use of Transposons and Phage for Genomic Engineering: 421 (Methods in Enzymology)” by Kelly T. Hughes. For this reason, you might like to know that this book will be released on 23 April 2007. You can pre-order your copy for just £99.95…”

Yes, just the book I always needed…

How to be a female mecha pilot
Being a mecha pilot is one thing, but have you ever wondered about the strict series of rules governing the fairer sex whenever they step inside a giant robot? Here’s a guide as to how you can follow in their footsteps (unless, of course, you have a Liang).

• As a female pilot, your skill will be highly limited as compared to your male counterparts. Even if you were the designated ‘first pilot’ at the beginning of the series with months of training to back it up, expect to be killed or relegated to the reserve forces as soon as the destined hero shows up.
• Even if you have an incredibly high synchronisation with your mecha of choice, it will count for very little. You will usually be assigned to rear guard or long range combat so that the men can get up close and personal with their beam sabres.
• Any time you actually get to fight, you will most likely be a hindrance to your side, forcing your male counterparts to rescue you and fight off the enemy whilst you flail about uselessly and cause your mecha to fall over or spin out of control. The only enemy you can effectively fight is another female, whereupon the two of you will have a ‘girl power’ battle with each other.
• During training, your combat skills will be markedly lower than that of your male colleagues, especially if you have to train outside of the mecha. Your marksmanship will be poor, whilst your physical strength and stamina are negligible.
• In the worst case scenario, you will never actually be allowed into your mecha at all, and even if you go down to the hangar bay, a male pilot will be assigned to take your place. The hero may even struggle out of the infirmary with two broken legs in an effort to stop a mere woman piloting his wang extension.

Solitaire: the new craze that’s sweeping the nation!
You won’t want to miss a single minute of Solitaire Scramble!

In homes everywhere, the game of Solitaire has gained a new following amongst the children of today, with sales of both playing card and PC versions going through the roof. In the cut throat world of getting all the cards out, however, one plucky hero vows to become the best- no matter what it takes! Follow his journey as he spends hours in front of his computer training at this exciting game, and marvel as he is forced to save the world from an evil force who hopes to destroy civilisation as we know it with the help of an enchanted Solitaire program that contains ancient and mystical powers! Watch it for yourself on Solitaire Scramble, a tale of extreme solitaire action that will keep you glued to your seat from start to finish! Solitaire Scramble isn’t for the faint-hearted, but if you can take the stress of waiting for our hero to click on the next card, you won’t want to miss this all-action series!

Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha StrikerS 1

“…but even so, I’d like HARD YURI.”

“Since you’d have your way with me anyway, I guess I’d better agree to it.”

“It only needs the two of us for some good HARD YURI.”

“Good news, Fate, they definitely lean that way!”

*NEW* Random Thoughts: Karura

This feature will share a slot with Short Parody.

Welcome to the first instalment of Random Thoughts, in which we pose questions to well-known anime characters! As befits this blog, our first interviewee is none other than Utawarerumono’s Karura!

So, Karura, you were in the rare position of having three men to choose from- Derihourai, Suonkasa or Hakuoro. What influenced your final choice?

You might say it was the best out of a bad lot, really. Even if Deri wasn’t my own brother, he’s far too pathetic and useless to be worthy of me (I mean, come on, he didn’t even recognise me when we were reunited), and as for Suon, well he’s just high on flowers the whole time. Hakuoro wasn’t great, but at least he was the main character and his castle was comfortable- you can’t go wrong if you concentrate on the material things in life. His Liang was pretty Zhuge too, if you know what I mean.

Could you tell us what you’re up to now? The last we saw of you, you and Touka had gone off together.

Well, with the whole harem angle out of the way, we figured it was about time the two finest ladies of the series got away from the useless characters and struck out on our own. We’d like to get our adventures made into a spin-off series, but I understand there’s a counter-bid from Oboro and Benawi.

You were arguably the best character in the original game- why were you so much more mediocre in Utawarriors?

Utawarriors was a lot of fun, but since they weren’t paying me for it, I just didn’t feel like giving it my all. I’m more interested in jobs that reward me with cold hard cash.

Looking back at your past, could you tell us a little about you and Urotorii?

A lady never kisses and tells.

And finally…why did you think changing your name from Karurautsuurei to Karura was a good move? Couldn’t you have chosen something a little less blatantly related to your original name?

Well, to be honest, I didn’t change my name to hide from my old life since I figured there’d eventually be back story about it anyway. I just shortened my name because it was too long for most people to remember- hell, even I forgot how to spell it sometimes!

This Week in Anime

Apple mourns death of other apple.

Survivor has only kind words for departed kin.

Orange catches the eye of the leads in Argento Soma.

“I’m just waiting for my handler.”

HARD GAY corner: Suikoden II
Our hero ‘Riou’ was exposed to HARD GAY at an early age thanks to a childhood friendship with his friend Jowy- a relationship that would serve them well for many more years. In time, however, Riou came to learn that his destiny was to gather 107 BI partners in an attempt to recreate the world’s largest harem, and a jealous Jowy was forced to choose the opposite side of the conflict. Meanwhile, Riou amassed more partners and learned the value of combination attacks in battle, encountering such HARD GAY partnerships as Victor X Flik and Sid X Chaco, discovering gender ambiguous characters like Sheena, and learning about BEAST for the first time when animals joined his side. As he amassed allies and defeated the evil forces of STRAIGHT, however, only one thought was in his mind- could he ever lure Jowy back to his side?

OST spotlight: Wolf’s Rain OST2
It may seem odd to review the second OST before saying anything about the first, but such is the powerful of this CD. Although I once scorned it for being too full of remix and not as memorable as the first OST, repeated listening has tipped the balance so much that I now actually prefer this one. From its powerful opening track, Wolf’s Rain OST keeps up the emotional pace with sweeping drama, tense synths and the occasional melancholy piece. Not every track is gold, but with each re-listen, the overall standard improves.

Notable tracks: Heaven’s Not Enough, Shiro Long Tails, Mouth on Fire, Escape, Tell Me What the Rain Knows, Cloud Nine

Mini-editorial: Is manga anime’s poor relation?
Anime blogs, Anime Nano, Animeblogger.net…aside from a few blogs that focus purely on manga, those with mixed content tend to call themselves merely ‘anime blogs’- admittedly, this is less of a mouthful than ‘anime and manga blogs’, but does it just reinforce the fact that most would choose anime over manga? Perhaps that isn’t surprising- after all, anime is slightly easier to acquire, it has set airtimes and seasons, and is generally easier to write a variety of posts about, be they parodies, season previews or just weekly episode summaries. In comparison, manga tends to limit itself to volume, series or the occasional chapter reviews, whilst it can be a lot harder to track down a specific series- and at the extreme end of the spectrum, casual fans (or friends of fans) may not even be familiar with the word, referring to graphic novels merely as “anime books”.

Is it fair that manga gets the short end of the stick in terms of coverage (at least outside of Japan)? Probably not, but when even someone like myself, who openly admits to preferring manga, nonetheless ends up writing about anime more, what chance does it have? Is there any way manga’s profile can generally be raised, aside from just assiduously reviewing more of it? Does it even matter, as long as the people who enjoy manga are reading it, and the people who enjoy writing are covering the subjects they choose?

In Your Reflection

This week, we have a head to head between Get Backers’ Ginji and X/1999’s Sorata. Not only are they both masters of lightning powers, but both have an optimistic and easygoing attitude that belies their true abilities, not to mention a deep attachment to another main character in their respective series.

Fashion police: Papillon

A rather terrifying case for the Fashion Police to deal with, Papillon may seem inoffensive in that most of his body is covered, but unfortunately the style of his body suit leaves much to be desired. With its laced up front and emphasis on the crotch, Papillon’s “magnificent” costume terrifies right from the outset, although it is nothing compared to this mankini.

Amusing Search Terms

Old favourites: you toube, porn toube, busou renkin hentai

site:azureflame.wordpress.com “hard gay”: I seem to have developed a reputation for HARD GAY; I have no idea why.

liu bei gay: that’s right.

“hard gay” seiran: Word is truly spreading.

tides of friendship yugioh card: I actually remember this card from the anime, and how ultimately useless and uninteresting it was.

moon diary since march 6th 2007: for the last time, I’m not keeping a moon diary!

anime “magic red flower”: there was a whole anime about them?

“ “: somehow yesterday I got two searches for [blank].

yuri lesbian: HARD YURI begins making a comeback, but it will never catch up to HARD GAY.

if you like busou renkin:…you have a higher tolerance than I do.

rmxp artificial life script: Coming soon on RMXP, the ability to bring sprites to life.

school rumble parodies: Don’t get me started on School Rumble again.

gargoyle and flame: A new comedy duo, coming soon to Channel Four!