Seirei no Moribito parody episode 1

Our heroine, Balsa, grips her spear and looks down from the mountains.

Balsa: It’s been two years… since I last had BI. I’m getting desperate.

Balsa walks down to a settlement below. A man talks to her.

Man: Female warriors are rare- am I right in thinking that you are a main character of some sort?

Balsa: That’s right. I’m just here to get my Spear serviced, if you know what I mean.

Man: A woman having Spear? Well, I guess they do say you can get anything around here if you have the money.

Balsa: If you have money, you can get Spear anywhere- then again, if you don’t, you just learn to make do with Hyper Self Pleasure. That has its own merits.

Man: Hmm, that’s an interesting perspective for one so young.

Balsa: Actually, I’m almost thirty. It’s just that I owe my good looks to a unique formula of SnM brand anti-aging cream, available for purchase during the commercial break.

As Balsa walks on, the man points out the Imperial family passing by. All the generics nearby bow.

Balsa: I don’t see why I should bow- I’m the main character.

As the Imperial carriage crosses a nearby bridge, the ox pulling it suddenly gets worked up into a frenzy. The Imperial attendants are forced to have dangerous OX as the carriage tips over and the prince falls out.

(Balsa: I guess it’s up to the main character to sort this mess out.)

Using her spear and a length of rope as a stay line, Balsa jumps into the rushing water. She swims after the prince as the current drags him along.

(Balsa: Thank god the plot is on my side, or the rocks would have hurt me and my rope would be all tangled up by now.)

As Balsa rescues the prince, a huge wave carries the ox and carriage towards her.

(Balsa: Now is most definitely not the time for OX! The plot is going to have to come up with something good to save me now!)

Thankfully, even though Balsa and the prince are submerged, a magical shield creates a protective air bubble.

(Balsa: Not exactly subtle, but at least it was convenient.)

(Ox: Why does no one care about me? I’m about to be washed away to my doom.)

Balsa carries the prince ashore, but goes on her way when his attendants crowd around. That evening, she orders a meal in town.

Balsa: Mmm, nothing like a tasty pork cutlet bowl, available from all good SnM brand stockists.

Unfortunately, her meal is interrupted when she notices some men with swords asking questions.

(Balsa: I’m not in the mood for generic Sword right now- time to go.)

Balsa makes her way down the back alleys, only to get cornered by the generics.

Generic: Excuse me, but we’re looking for the main character. Do you happen to know who he is?

Balsa: Sorry, no idea.

Generic: Is that so? In that case, let’s get straight onto the Sword!

The generics try to give Balsa Sword, but she counters them with Spear. Two more generics go to draw their Swords.

Balsa: Don’t bother. Impossible as it may seem, I can kill you twice before you even draw your Sword.

Generic Leader: Wait a moment- we don’t even want to die once! We just needed to check that you were the main character by checking your Spear skills. Please come with us to the next location- Imperial Palace.

Balsa: Damn, I really wanted to get my Spear serviced first. Oh well, needs must when the plot drives.

Balsa is taken to the palace, where she is allowed to bathe and given dinner.

Attendant: The Second Empress has requested that you spend the night here, if you know what I mean. We’ve even prepared a room with a big bed for you.

Balsa is taken to her bedroom.

Balsa: This futon is pretty big- I wonder if they want me to participate in some kind of group BI. If that’s the case, I may as well try to enjoy myself.

After a little while, the Second Empress and the Prince enter.

Balsa: Please come in- I’ve been wondering when the BI would start.

Second Empress: I know you must be thinking it is a little late for BI, but I have heard many tales of your prowess with Spear.

Balsa: Those tales may have been exaggerated- all I do is have Spear for money.

Second Empress: Hmm, it sounds like a risky line of work…but nonetheless, I have a request to make? Could you take my son and show him the ways of BI?

Balsa: BI?

Second Empress: It may seem like an odd thing to ask, but his father has pronounced him unfit for HARD GAY, and has even tried to kill him. BI is the only road left to him now.

Balsa: His father wants to kill him because he can’t have HARD GAY?

Second Empress: If word of it were to spread, the Emperor’s own HARD GAY would be questioned.

The Prince, Chagum, wakes up.

Second Empress: Listen well, Chagum- the ways of HARD GAY are closed to you now. You must go with this woman and learn BI.

Balsa: This is unfair- as a main character I must accede to your request in order to further the plot, even though it means I must have BI with an underage boy.

Second Empress: Then let my men and I service you in payment.

Balsa: You have too few men at your disposal, and all of them generic. Nonetheless, I shall accept this job, for I am the main character. Come on boy, there is no time to spare- your BI life begins here.

Balsa and Chagum run away down a conveniently located escape tunnel.

To be continued…