Koutetsu Sangokushi parody episode 5

The named Wu characters gather by Ling Cao’s corpse.

(Lu Xun: I always thought of HARD GAY as a good thing, but now that I know a man can die in its throes, it seems almost sinister.)

Whilst an excited Zhou Yu looks forward to playing bondage games with Gan Ning in the dungeons, Taishi Ci wants larger scale action.

Taishi Ci: I have gone more than five minutes without HARD GAY, and it is unacceptable! I will not rest until I have Huang Zu’s head!

A group of identical generics rhythmically shouts whilst punching their arms in the air.

Ling Tong: No! I’m the one who lost out on regular HARD GAY with the death of my father- only I should give Huang Zu fatal Sword.

Sun Quan: I am sorry, Ling Tong, but I cannot have you going off on quests of revenge- I need you to service me here.

A proper funeral is held for Ling Cao.

Sun Quan: The Lord’s Cube truly is a dangerous device, for it turns Pleasure, which should be a force for enjoyment, into something dangerous and deadly. I may be the leader of this country, but as the destined main character only you, Lu Xun, can do anything about the situation.

Later, Lu Xun goes down to see Gan Ning, who bears the bruises from his bondage games.

Lu Xun: Who could inflict such harsh Pleasure on a person?

Lu Xun bandages Gan Ning’s wounds and brings him food.

(Lu Xun: This should increase his affection points for me.)

Lu Xun: Gan Ning, I know you have supported Huang Zu for a long time, but he is just the arc one boss and I am the main character. Surely you must realise that switching your allegiance is the only way to avoid being written out of the story?

(Gan Ning: I must not say anything just yet, for I am still in the angst phase.)

After leaving, Lu Xun runs into Taishi Ci and Lu Meng.

Taishi Ci: So, is Gan Ning ready to take up his place as an OP character yet?

Lu Xun: Not yet.

Taishi Ci: Is that so? Perhaps some rough HARD GAY will help to convince him otherwise.

Lu Xun: He’s in no condition for that sort of thing!

Taishi Ci grabs Lu Xun’s shirt and lifts him up.

Taishi Ci: He isn’t, eh? Then perhaps you’d like to see to my needs instead.

Lu Meng: You can’t force yourself on him- he’s the main character!

Taishi Ci sweeps Lu Meng aside.

Taishi Ci: If Gan Ning refuses to give us HARD GAY, then he is no good to anyone! You should just kill him now.

Lu Xun: If he dies, he will never be able to give HARD GAY again, only CORPSE!

Zhuge Jin arrives.

Zhuge Jin: Oh dear, this looks like rather rough Pleasure.

Taishi Ci tosses Lu Xun to the ground.

Taishi Ci: How dare you, an intelligent and accomplished civil servant, dare to talk to a one-dimensional and brutish general like me as if I was an idiot!?

Taishi Ci storms off.

Zhuge Jin: You know, the plot really has been stagnating lately. I have to admit I’ve read ahead in the script and I’m beginning to wonder if Huang Zu ever really unlocked the Lord’s Cube.

Back at his home, Ling Tong has intense ROCK.

Ling Tong: I have to improve my skills- and with Father gone, this rock shall be my replacement partner!

Lu Xun: You know, both Sun Quan and I are available any time.

Elsewhere, Liu Bei’s carriage passes a field of flowers that remind him of Zhuge Liang.

Liu Bei: These flowers must have recreational qualities like those used by Suonkasu! We must stop!

Liu Bei frantically collects the flowers.

(Liu Bei: I hope I can meet Zhuge Liang again- he will help me decide what gender I am.)

Later, Lu Xun takes some rice cakes to Gan Ning.

Gan Ning: I don’t know why you bother with me- it was my ARROW that killed Ling Cao.

Lu Xun: Oh, don’t worry about it- that was last episode! And if you can prove that your HARD GAY is better than his, everyone will soon forgive you. I happen to believe that your HARD GAY must be something special; after all, you didn’t feel the need to augment it with the Lord’s Cube.

Gan Ning: I still need to think a little more- do you mind if I have a Flashback Mode?

Gan Ning remembers his past, and how Huang Zu stole his ARROW virginity and introduced him to the ways of HARD GAY.

This time, Lu Xun runs into Zhou Yu after leaving the dungeon.

Zhou Yu: This situation with Gan Ning has gone on long enough- why, I’ve barely had any screen time this episode! He’ll get one last chance to give us HARD GAY, and if he refuses, I’m having him executed.

Lu Xun: What!? He’s a named OP character- you can’t do that to him!

Zhou Yu: I understand that you would hate to miss out on potential HARD GAY with him- therefore you may attend tomorrow.

The next day, Zhou Yu, Lu Xun and Sun Quan wait for Gan Ning to give them HARD GAY.

Lu Xun: You shouldn’t feel bad about cheating on your master- I promise that our HARD GAY is worth it.

Gan Ning: How can you say that? Can you really hope to replace the love that Huang Zu and I have shared?

Sun Quan: Gan Ning, all of us would love to see how you perform in the bedroom. There is no shame in servicing named heroes.

Gan Ning: I’m sorry, but I just can’t do it.

Zhou Yu: That settles it. Any man who will not give use HARD GAY must be executed.

That evening, however, a masked Ling Tong comes to see Gan Ning.

(Ling Tong: I’m such a genius! With this mask covering my face, no one will realise that the man with the same hair, voice and clothes as Ling Tong is actually Ling Tong! In fact, even I do not believe I am Ling Tong, and so I can defy Sun Quan’s orders.)

Gan Ning: What do you want, Ling Tong?

Ling Tong: I’m here to give you the last HARD GAY you’ll ever have.

Ling Tong takes the bound Gan Ning out of prison, whilst Lu Xun searches desperately for him.

Lu Xun: Ling Tong, you don’t have to go to these lengths to get HARD GAY! I’m ready to sleep with you anytime!

Ling Tong takes Gan Ning into a conveniently empty room, unbinds him, and tosses him his Bow and arrows.

Gan Ning: Why not just have your way with me?

Ling Tong: I refuse to have HARD GAY with a partner who doesn’t have a weapon! Pick it up!

As Gan Ning picks up the Bow, Lu Xun arrives.

Lu Xun: Don’t do this! This isn’t how HARD GAY is supposed to be!

Ling Tong: Shut up!

Ling Tong tries to give Gan Ning and Lu Xun Boomerang, but they dodge.

Gan Ning: You’re the main character, you shouldn’t risk yourself. Just let him have his way with me.

Lu Xun: I’m not doing this for you! I’m doing it because he’s my destined partner!

Lu Xun stands ready with his Sword, but Ling Tong’s Boomerang knocks him into the water. Ling Tong prepares to finish off Gan Ning, but he is immobilised by flashbacks.

Ling Tong: Meaningful flashbacks are streaming through my mind! I can’t take action!

Ling Tong starts crying and runs off.

(Gan Ning: Damn, it’s almost the end of the episode- I’d better stop all the angst and silence and just defect to Wu.)

Gan Ning: You know what, forget everything I’ve been saying all episode. Huang Zu is minor and evil, for he was given the Lord’s Cube by Zhuge Liang.

Lu Xun: Zhuge Liang! How could my master be helping the side of evil?

To be continued…

One thought on “Koutetsu Sangokushi parody episode 5

  1. I love your Koutetsu Parodies, and I look forward to each one. Thank you so much for writing this. Am extremely amused by the level of Lu Xun/Ling Tong, and quite enjoy it, too. ; )

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