Koutetsu Sangokushi parody episode 6

Whilst everyone else is sensible enough to sleep, Lu Xun indulges in Flashback Mode.

(Lu Xun: Master, was it really you who gave the Lord’s Cube to Huang Zu? Was it for the sake of the plot, or did you seek to create a HARD GAY partner worthy of your Liang?)

Zhuge Jin gets up.

Lu Xun: I’m sorry, did my flashbacks wake you up?

Zhuge Jin: Oh, it’s not your fault, it’s just that the floor was little too hard for me. I’m used to being on top of a nubile young man who’s only hard in one place.

He looks at Ling Tong’s empty bedroll.

Zhuge Jin: Hmm, I guess you went without HARD GAY tonight because Ling Tong isn’t here. Of course, he’s small compared to me.

(Zhuge Jin: I hope gets the hint soon.)

Lu Xun: Erm…

(Zhuge Jin: This is it! He’s about to ask me for HARD GAY!)

Lu Xun: About your brother-

(Zhuge Jin: Damn you, brother! Once a man gets infatuated with you, he just isn’t interested in me.)

Zhuge Jin: I suppose you’re wondering when he’s going to show you his Sword, are you? I wouldn’t hold my breath- not even the gods are skilled enough to satisfy him, let alone someone like you.

Lu Xun: Even so, I have to believe I will get in bed with him one day!

Zhuge Jin: Lucky him, eh?

(Zhuge Jin: I’m ready and waiting! Why can’t you just ask to see my Sword instead?)

The next morning, a bound Gan Ning is led out for fatal HARD GAY.

(Zhou Yu: I’ve been waiting for this.)

Sun Quan: I cannot help but feel a little regretful at the loss of such an accomplished partner- I had longed to spend at least one night with him.

Zhou Yu: Sorry, but in order to prevent arguments between named characters, we have to let a generic give him the final Sword.

(Lu Xun: This cannot happen! Gan Ning is a named OP character, not to mention playable in Dynasty Warriors!)

As the generic executioner prepares to give Gan Ning some final Kwan Dao, a ball of pure Pleasure targets the area, skilfully throwing generics in the water but leaving named characters unharmed.

Taishi Ci: What the hell is going on?

Lu Meng: Sir, with all due respect, we’re clearly under attack.

Taishi Ci: Who would do such a thing?

Lu Meng: At a guess, I’d say Huang Zu.

Zhuge Jin: This HARD GAY aura didn’t feel quite like the Lord’s Cube.

Sun Quan: It must have adapted to Huang Zu’s unique HARD GAY signature.

Meanwhile, Gan Ning has fallen into the water. He has HARD GAY with a floating generic to boost his stamina, whilst Huang Zu’s ship approaches the shore.

Huang Zu: Gwakakakaka! Burn, burn, everything burn! Wow, this Fei Wong phrasebook has some great catchphrases for situations like these.

Huang Zu turns to the generics.

Huang Zu: Hey, generics, give me some more Cannon.

Generic: Sorry sir, but our balls have all been used.

Huang Zu: Then get some ROCK or something! I have to relieve my frustrations somehow.

Generic: But sir, ROCK has been proven to have an erosive effect on the Sword.

Huang Zu: Hmm, then I’ll just have to take you instead.

Huang Zu has his way with the generic, who is expelled overboard in a wave of Pleasure. The named Wu officers watch from their attack ship as Huang Zu takes more generics against their will.

Lu Xun: How cruel- this is not how HARD GAY is supposed to be.

Taishi Ci: Huang Zu, how dare you murder two of my lovers? I will have Axe with you today to make up for this!

The two ships clash, and generics from both sides start having Sword and Spear with each other.

Taishi Ci: Lu Meng, leave the generic units to fight each other- we must head straight for the boss!

Battle Message: Taishi Ci’s troop has encountered Huang Zu’s troop!

Battle Cry- Huang Zu: All of you trash!

Taishi Ci and Huang Zu cross ‘blades’, and Huang Zu is soon enveloped in uncontrollable HARD GAY passion.

Battle Message: Lu Meng’s troop has encountered Huang Zu’s troop!

Battle Cry– Lu Meng: I’ll join you!

Lu Meng adds his blade to the mix, but it is not enough to withstand Huang Zu’s intense Pleasure. They fall into the water and hug as they float away.

Battle Message: Taishi Ci and Lu Meng have been routed! Huang Zu’s morale is increasing!

Zhuge Jin: I guess it’s my turn next.

Lu Xun: I should do it!

Zhuge Jin: Don’t you know anything about narrative convention? The main character charges in last! Anyway, you aren’t even aroused yet!

Lu Xun grips his ‘sword’ and tries to get in the mood.

(Lu Xun: Why aren’t you responding, Kousen?)

Battle Message: Lu Meng’s troop has encountered Huang Zu’s troop!

Battle Cry– Huang Zu: Come, you’re all welcome to try!

Battle Cry– Zhuge Jin: You’re doomed to an early death if you’re too impatient!

Zhuge Jin: Musou Attack- I crave all of creation to become my strength! Come forth, Path of the Snake!

Zhuge Jin launches a bondage attack on Huang Zu with his threads.

Huang Zu: This feels amazing! I love a bit of S&M! Suffering brings me happiness!

The excitement Huang Zu feels at the bondage causes him to emit a HARD GAY aura.

Lu Xun: He’s coming!

Huang Zu discharges a ball of HARD GAY energy at Zhuge Jin, who dodges and jumps into the water.

Battle Message: Zhuge Jin has withdrawn!

Zhuge Jin: It’s up to you now, Lu Xun.

Lu Xun draws his sword.

Battle Message: Lu Xun’s troop has encountered Huang Zu’s troop!

Lu Xun: Why isn’t my ‘sword’ responding? I even gave it a name!

Huang Zu: Care to experience some painful delight with me?

Huang Zu’s weapon grows spikes as he fires HARD GAY energy at three random ships that seem to have appeared for the purposes of being destroyed.

Huang Zu: How do you feel at seeing random generics getting killed, boy? Next I’ll fire some HARD GAY blasts at your castle!

Lu Xun rushes in to fight Huang Zu, but he is overpowered.

Huang Zu: Let’s switch out of Dynasty Warriors and into RPG Mode! Prepare to see the game over screen.

Ling Tong joins the active party!

Ling Tong: My catchphrase is “I’m not a kid!”.

Ling Tong attacks, but he only triggers Huang Zu’s Counterattack ability, which takes away most of his HP and causes his weapon to be equipped on Huang Zu.

Huang Zu: According to the ATB, I don’t get a turn yet, so I’ll just stand here and laugh!

A few moments later…

Huang Zu: My ATB is full! I choose special attack- Killer Boomerang! Charging…

Lu Xun: Canceller! Transform!

Just by talking, Lu Xun cancels Huang Zu’s attacks and enters Trance status.

Huang Zu: Counter Trance! HARD GAY mode!

Enveloped by HARD GAY auras, Lu Xun and Huang Zu face each other.

Huang Zu: At last, someone with the same HARD GAY powers as me!

Lu Xun: My power is nothing like yours- I am a destined main character, and you are an arc one boss!

Huang Zu: HARD GAY is HARD GAY! We are the same!

The two clash, and the area is surrounded by budget saving white light.

Huang Zu: Gwakaka, this is great! In this form, I can enjoy infinite Pleasure! This is what the Lord’s Cube, or in my case Sphere, is all about!

Lu Xun: No it isn’t! This is a perversion of proper HARD GAY!

Lu Xun’s stamina bar runs out, and he reverts to normal mode. The white glow dissipates.

Huang Zu: Gwakakakaka! Gwakakakaka! Gwakakakaka!

Gan Ning: Activate Cutscene and Flashback Double Mode!

From the bow of the Wu ship, Gan Ning strings his bow (the other kind of bow). He indulges in the same old flashbacks about his HARD GAY days with Huang Zu, before firing an arrow imbued with Cutscene Energy at his former lover.

Huang Zu: AAAARRRGGHHH!! In proper battle, this would have done 42 damage, but in cutscene it is fatal!

Huang Zu dies. Gan Ning goes over to his body.

Gan Ning: I always put my all into battle, but to have actually given my one true love fatal HARD GAY…I hoped it would never come to this.

Zhou Yu: With his lover dead, he may be more amenable to sleeping with us…please, let me have first go with him.

Sun Quan: Very well.

Elsewhere, the Lord’s Sphere shatters under Zhuge Liang’s touch.

Zhuge Liang: I have no use for weaklings who cannot control their HARD GAY.