Narrator: It was the last era when men lived as (and with) men, placing their beliefs on the swing of their ‘blade’.
In Sunpu castle, Prince Takahito talks with Takamori.
Takamori: Where is the head? I’ve been waiting for HARD GAY for ages.
Out on the river, Kaishuu is having the same problem.
Kaishuu: Where the hell is the head? This is supposed to be a HARD GAY series, but I’m not getting any!
Meanwhile, two men have HORSE on the way to Sunpu castle. They do have names, but they’re too insignificant to recall. They are stopped by Soutetsu Ibaragi.
Man: Get out of the way! We’re trying to have HORSE here!
Soutetsu: HORSE is so crude and outdated; here, let me give you a taste of my refined Sword.
Soutetsu completely dominates the first man with his Sword.
Man 2: It’s my turn now! I’ll prove to you that being a minor and ultimately insignificant character doesn’t prevent me from being good with Sword!
Soutetsu: At least I’m not so pathetic as to give my Sword a name.
Man 2: How did you know about Little Richard? Oops, I mean- I’ll kill you! Stupidly slow chanting attack.
The man slowly walks towards Soutetsu whilst repeating ‘Sei Sei Sei’.
Soutetsu: Basic Counter!
The second man is defeated, and after a plot related earthquake designed to make sure history proceeds as recorded, Soutetsu continues on his way.
Elsewhere, our main character, Akidzuki Youjiro, practices with his ‘blade’ whilst remembering his deceased mentor Ryouma.
(Akidzuki: Ryouma, you were the best HARD GAY partner a man could ever ask for. Who will I find to replace you?)
Akidzuki makes his way to Yokohama, where foreigners and Japanese men are having Gun and Blade.
Foreigners: Bad Engrish! Your HARD GAY is bad!
Japanese: For that insult, you must be killed all the way to death!
As the HARD GAY becomes violent, two children, Benimaru and Kobako become caught in the middle of it.
(Akidzuki: This isn’t right- children shouldn’t become caught up in HARD GAY- especially not with generics!)
Akidzuki knocks down the generics with quick HARD GAY before grabbing the children and running. The police chase after him, but have insufficient intellect to go in the right direction.
Police: That man has impressive HARD GAY skills! We must arrest him before tonight’s group session!
Shiranui appears from a curtained doorway.
Shiranui: Ah, you must be a newcomer. I’m guessing you’re here for HARD GAY, right? Here, I’ll take you to meet some named characters.
Shiranui takes Akidzuki to meet the Yuuyama Kakunojo Theatre Troupe, a group that offers HARD GAY and BI. They introduce themselves as if they were characters in a play.
(Akidzuki: Why couldn’t they say their names like normal people?)
Zagashira: Anyway, that’s our introduction- who are you?
Akidzuki: I’m the main character.
Shiranui: Hmm, I thought your HARD GAY was impressive.
Akidzuki: You people are irritating. Goodbye.
Akidzuki walks out, unaware that Soutetsu was watching him from the wings.
Kakunojo: What do you think, Sensei?
Soutetsu: He seems like a worthy partner for my bed.
Later, the troupe puts on a play whilst Soutetsu stands by the shore, waiting for the gaydar on the end of his sword to pick up a signal.
(Akidzuki: There’s definitely ambient HARD GAY around here, but so far I haven’t pinpointed anyone worthy of my bed.)
After the play, Ebisu reports on the status of one of the troupe’s enemies, ugly evil minion Hario. Keishin gets up when he realises the children are eavesdropping.
Keishin: I’ll keep the kids occupied, if you know what I mean.
Kakunojo: Okay, let’s discuss plot related events.
Shiranui: We came here to track down our enemies, and what do you know, there they are! It’s as if you know everything, Sensei.
(Soutetsu: Ah but I do, for I have read ahead in the script.)
The troupe goes to an underground auction house, where everyone must wear masks that cover the top half of their face.
Kakunojo: Damn, with these concealing masks we’ll never recognise anyone.
Zagashira: Yes, but we need to fill the rest of the episode, so let’s just stay.
In the closed auction area, weapons of HARD GAY such as gatling guns are sold. Finally, Nakaiya appears with the last lot- the Lord’s Head.
Nakaiya: Greetings, everyone- I know you all thought I was dead, but let me just say now that I am a man of amazing resilience, akin to a Mai-Otome character! I must tell everyone that the Pleasure effects of the Lord’s Head are not to be underestimated- take my word on that.
Furious bidding ensues, only to be interrupted when the casket containing the Head starts glowing with a HARD GAY aura. Elsewhere, Akidzuki’s gaydar is triggered.
(Akidzuki: At last- the kind of HARD GAY that I have been looking for!)
Akidzuki breaks into a run and charges into the auction house, giving HARD GAY to generics and Pillars as he makes for the Head. Finally, he slashes it in two, but it seals up and projects a stronger HARD GAY aura.
(Akidzuki: Damn, I should have known it wouldn’t be so easy to destroy the Head in episode one of a twenty-six episode series.)
The Lord’s Head emerges from its casing, surrounded by HARD GAY light.
Lord’s Head: Gwakakaka! I am an evil skull!
Akidzuki slashes it in two, although he obviously has not permanently sealed it since then the series would have to end.
(Soutetsu: Damn, where’s that head gone now? I need it to enhance my BI.)
Whilst a fire breaks out at the auction house, Hario decides to give Akidzuki some Sword. The troupe spot him, but cannot get close due to the fire.
Nakaiya: Gwakaka, fire and burning! This is the Niwe style of villainy!
The HARD GAY ED that begins “that hand is the sword of love…” plays.
To be continued…