A Wu guard outpost is attacked by an implausible and historically inaccurate laser cannon. More importantly, however, the named Wu characters eat a meal together the next day.
Lu Meng: Lord Taishi Ci-
Taishi Ci: I told you not to address me so informally now that you’ve levelled up from the HARD GAY training camp!
Taishi Ci tucks into Lu Meng’s herbal rice cakes.
Lu Meng: Our group just doesn’t feel right without Zhuge Jin’s casual superiority, but he hasn’t been back since that time he said he was leaving for good.
Lu Xun: Don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll return- he’s not the sort to miss out on screen time.
Lu Meng: Who cares about that? Let’s go outside and pointlessly train some more!
Taishi Ci: Sounds good to me.
Outside, Lu Xun practises his ‘swordplay’ with the others when Liu Bei, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei approach.
Liu Bei: Hey, don’t you think I look cute? If you come back to my palace, I can show you how to get into the whole cross dressing scene.
Ling Tong: Hey, stay away from Aniki- he’s spoken for!
Liu Bei: Are you referring to yourself? You look far too young to be at all skilled in the ways of Pleasure. In fact, none of you can possibly match the level my brothers and I are capable of.
Guan Yu: Quiet, Liu Bei- these are main characters! Lu Xun, you must be skilled- even Zhuge Liang has praised your Pleasure abilities. Would you mind having a session with me?
Guan Yu and Lu Xun cross ‘blades’.
Guan Yu: Apologies for what Liu Bei said earlier- he’s used to being the main character.
Lu Xun: Sorry, but in this series, Destiny and Righteousness are on my side.
Guan Yu defeats Lu Xun.
Guan Yu: That may be so, but you still have much to learn in the bedroom. Let us put aside our differences and work together to have the best HARD GAY possible.
As Guan Yu and Lu Xun shake hands, Taishi Ci and Ling Tong have HARD GAY with Zhang Fei and Liu Bei respectively. Meanwhile, Gan Ning returns from wandering around in Wei in order to report to Zhou Yu.
Gan Ning: Sir,I know that Red Cliff was a location in the original text, but this time around the writers have decided to turn it into Wei’s final boss ship. They say it is powered by the HARD GAY of the Lord’s Cube- at the moment, the crew are having a mass orgy and will be unable to set sail, but once we’ve levelled up enough, they will surely come and attack us.
Zhou Yu: Excellent work, Gan Ning, Let me reward you with some HARD GAY tonight.
Gan Ning blushes. Later, the named characters gather together for dinner and group HARD GAY.
Zhou Yu: Welcome, my elites- although I have many trained soldiers under my command, they are merely generic, and thus nothing compared to the four of you.
Taishi Ci: What’s with the small talk? Let’s get straight down to the Pleasure!
Zhou Yu: Actually, I’m here to give you a mission that will take up a few more episodes. You must infiltrate the Wei ship Red Cliff and recover the Lord’s Cube so that I, er, we, can have the best HARD GAY of our lives.
Lu Meng: Er, is this is a mission for just the four of us? I distinctly remember signing up for desk work.
Zhou Yu: Never fear, for Gan Ning will be going with you- that will make all the difference.
Taishi Ci: Who cares about the stupidity of this? It will kill some time between now and episode twenty-six.
Later, Zhou Yu meets up with Zhuge Liang.
Zhou Yu: You know, I have to admit that this one ship isn’t the only threat our country faces. Unbelievable as it seems, we could also be attacked by land troops.
Zhuge Liang: Really? No one told me of this.
Zhou Yu: Somehow, Cao Cao magically teleported 30,000 men to our borders, and now surrounds us.
Zhuge Liang: Well, in my expert opinion as the best strategist of the era, what I think you need to do is defeat the opposing army.
Zhou Yu smashes his sake cup.
Zhou Yu: There, one threat down.
Zhou Yu wanders off and Lu Xun approaches.
Zhuge Liang: I know you were eavesdropping, Lu Xun- I bet you want to get a glimpse of my Sword, didn’t you?
Lu Xun: Master, I’m worried about Zhou Yu- what if he decides to get rid of you and take control of the Lord’s Cube so that he can be the most HARD GAY in the land?
Zhuge Liang: Lu Xun, don’t try to think- leave that to me.
Elsewhere, Zhou Yu and Gan Ning wander the palace.
Zhou Yu: There is no need to tell the others about our encounter- they would only get jealous.
The next day, Lu Xun spots Zhou Yu, Zhuge Liang, Zhao Yun and the Peach Garden brothers having HORSE.
Lu Xun: Zhou Yu, I have a request- please teach me the ways of HORSE!
They all go off for a HORSE session. Meanwhile, the other named characters infiltrate Red Cliff, only to discover that there are gardens and a castle on deck.
Ling Tong: This is bizarre, but par for the course for this series.
Taishi Ci: I’m sorry to inform you, but this is a castle level- in other words, a trap-filled multi-level stage that you can’t save in. The three boss enemies are Xu Zhu, Cao Ren and Zhang Liao, one of whom is inexplicably wearing sunglasses. Whatever you do, don’t die, because this isn’t the sort of level anyone would ever want to replay.
Inside, Cao Cao and the named Wei characters introduce Zhuge Jin to their style of HARD GAY.
Cao Cao: Well, Zhuge Jin, are you satisfied with out methods of Pleasure?
Zhuge Jin: Very much so.
Cao Ren: I sense a strange presence on board- it must be heroes!
Stage Start!
Castle Level One!
Xu Zhu has appeared on the battlefield!
Ling Tong and Gan Ning engage Xu Zhu in battle! Lu Meng and Taishi Ci proceed to Level Two!
To be continued…
