At the village, Romeo finds that all the crops have failed, crushing his Harvest Moon dreams.
Romeo: How can this be happening? I followed all the instructions in the manual!
Giovanni: Looks like we bought a special edition of Harvest Moon with more challenging requirements.
Romeo: Well then, we’ll just have to reset and start a new game.
(Romeo: And I’m going to find that guy who gave me those ‘magical’ seeds! I can’t believe I fell for one of the oldest tricks in the book!)
Romeo heads out to the woods to find the old man.
Romeo: Hey, what’s the deal with those magical seeds that were supposed to grow anywhere? My whole crop just failed!
Old Man: Look, it’s not my fault, okay- the world is ending!
Romeo: Really? My apologies, I didn’t realise.
(Old Man: Sucker!)
Romeo returns to the village.
Giovanni: Bad news, Romeo- lots of viewers have written in to complain about how boring this farming arc is. They want you to go back to Neo Verona.
Romeo: But I wanted to complete Harvest Moon!
Giovanni: Then let me put it this way- if you stay here, no one will have HARD GAY with you. There’s no point having Pleasure without a good partner now, is there?
Romeo: Fine, then I’ll go back to Juliet and STRAIGHT!
Romeo gets a HORSE from nowhere and flies back to Neo Verona. Meanwhile, Juliet and her allies are having a meeting.
Conrad: This is great- we can just stand and chat in this room whilst increasing numbers of generics pledge themselves to our cause! This is the easiest revolution ever!
Francisco: Even so, it must be very tiring for a level one useless figurehead like Juliet- my Lady, you really ought to get some rest.
(Francisco: Once we get the woman out of here, we can have wild HARD GAY!)
Juliet returns home with Antonio and Benvolio’s parents, where they find Benvolio and Cordelia in the kitchen.
Benvolio: And today on Benvolio in the Kitchen, I show you how to roast a bird!
The next day, Romeo arrives at the gates of the city, but is turned away by generics.
Generics: Go away! We won’t give up our meagre share of screen time to anyone!
Romeo: But you’re just generics! Can’t you see how insignificant you are compared to me?
Juliet: Let him go- you have no right to treat a main character in this way!
Romeo: Juliet, I am sure I can end the pointless fighting- all I need to do is show my father how tasty grapes are.
Juliet: Very well- go ahead.
At the council chamber, the nobles discuss the situation.
Tubal: The city has become infested with grape lovers! The moment we open the gates of the Noble’s Quarter, we will all be splattered with fruit!
Montague: Unacceptable! I move to burn the city to the ground!
Only Mercutio supports the motion.
Montague: What is wrong with you people that you can’t even agree to such a logical suggestion?
Montague goes to fetch a sword before proceeding to murder the chairman.
Montague: Look at this- the red stuff that flows from his veins must be grape juice! This man is clearly a traitor! Now then, who votes that we burn down the city?
Naturally, everyone now supports Montague. As the nobles leave the council, Romeo confronts his father.
Montague: Ah, Romeo, if you’ve come to give me HARD GAY, it’s too late- I already have a willing partner.
Mercutio: Yes, that’s right- he adopted me!
Romeo: And…who are you again?
Mercutio: Damn you!
Montague: Mercutio, go and wait in my bedchamber- oh, and prepare the whips.
Mercutio: Y-yes sir.
Romeo: Father, as a villain you will inevitably be defeated! Step down now and avoid that ignominious fate!
Montague: Gwakakaka, what do you know about being a villain!? I won’t rest until every last grape is squeezed of its juice!
Montague takes Romeo to see Escalus, but they are interrupted by an earthquake.
Curio: Francisco, the earth is moving- and this time I don’t think it’s because of your HARD GAY!
Meanwhile, Opehlia appears to Juliet.
Ophelia: Juliet, the world is dying, and our only hope may be for you to become a new tree that can replace Escalus.
Juliet: A tree? Is that the best the writers can come up with?
To be continued…