Ling Tong binds Lu Xun’s wounds.
(Ling Tong: He has to notice me after this!)
(Lu Xun: Master, why have you forsaken me for the charms of other men?)
The next day, Lu Xun visits the shrine with Sun Quan.
Lu Xun: Before he died, Zhou Yu told me that Master was in danger.
Sun Quan: This is serious news indeed- without him, China would lose a valuable source of HARD GAY. Lu Xun, as the main character, you must save him.
They are interrupted by the sound of Gan Ning having Flute.
Gan Ning: Damn, this will never be as good as when Zhou Yu used to give me Flute- but even so, I have to keep the urges away somehow.
In Shu, Liu Bei admires the flowers in his garden.
Liu Bei: I love flowers and gardens- which is why I always dress as if I were a character from Red Garden.
Guan Yu: My lord, I can’t help thinking that maybe, as a leader, you should try being a bit more…well, practical?
Liu Bei: Why? Flowers make people smile!
Guan Yu: I’m no expert, but they might need, you know, vegetables and stuff to live?
Liu Bei: Honestly, such a prosaic outlook.
Zhuge Liang: Indeed, for flowers are useful in expanding one’s mind.
Liu Bei: I can always count on you to see my point!
Zhuge Liang: Now, let us frolic amongst the flowers.
Zhuge Liang smiles back at Guan Yu and Zhang Fei as he takes their lover off for some HARD GAY.
Zhang Fei: Damn him- this is happening just like it did in the ROTK anime.
Guan Yu is overtaken by HARD GAY energy.
Guan Yu: Damn, it’s happening again- my flower phobia is acting up! I must burn everything!
Zhang Fei: Me too- I long for the roaring flames of passion!
Back in Wu, Sun Quan and his generals discuss recent events.
Zhang Zhao: Liu Bei and his men have begun indulging in Flaming Passion- burning villages and the like.
Sun Quan: But the novel says that Liu Bei is righteous and good- we cannot change people’s perceptions of him now!
Taishi Ci: Lu Xun, you’re the main character- come up with something.
Lu Xun: Um, er…
Later, Lu Xun angsts outside. Ling Tong approaches him.
Ling Tong: Lu Xun, I know you’re upset right now, but maybe a little HARD GAY with me would help.
Lu Xun: Ling Tong, are you trying to say that all this time…you wanted HARD GAY with me? I never realised!
That night, Lu Xun and Ling Tong try to elope together, but Lu Meng catches up with them.
Ling Tong: Damn, caught trying to elope.
Lu Meng: Good luck- here, I made some food for the wedding.
Lu Meng hands over a box of food.
Ling Tong: How did you know?
Lu Meng: The way you looked at Lu Xun- it had to happen eventually.
Lu Xun: Thank you.
Ling Tong: All right, that’s enough of that- we have a wedding night to get to!
Lu Xun and Ling Tong set off on their journey.
(Lu Xun: Master, soon I will be a married man- am I doing the right thing?)
Once they reach Shu, the couple dress as women to get through the checkpoint.
Lu Xun: Where did you get these clothes?
Ling Tong: My wardrobe, of course- I’ve been into this kind of thing ever since Father bought me my first skirt.
As they continue onwards, a dispute breaks out between soldiers and generics without a gate pass. The soldiers are about to take action when Guan Yu appears and strikes them down.
Guan Yu: Using Sword against generics is a waste of time! If you’re so desperate for action, then get over here and service my muscular body.
By passing themselves off as performers, Lu Xun and Ling Tong make it to the nearest town, where, for some reason, Guan Yu starts hoeing at a patch of ground.
(Guan Yu: This Harvest Moon experience was the best investment of my life.)
Soldiers: So girls, what exactly is it that you can do?
Ling Tong: Well, uh, I give good Boomerang.
Ling Tong demonstrates against a tree, attracting Guan Yu’s attention.
Guan Yu: I know a trap when I see one! These aren’t women, they’re something better- cross dressers!
Guan Yu exposes Lu Xun.
Guan Yu: Oh, it’s you. Are you here to give me some HARD GAY?
Lu Xun: Actually, I’m supposed to be eloping with Ling Tong, but actually I wanted to try to get a look at Master’s Sword beforehand.
Guan Yu: And if he doesn’t want to show it to you?
Lu Xun: Then I have no choice but to get married.
Meanwhile, one of the generic soldiers comes onto Ling Tong, who refuses his advances.
Ling Tong: Stay away from me! I won’t be violated by a mere generic on my wedding day!
A spear thrust from the generic soldier exposes Ling Tong.
Generics: Wait a minute- that’s a guy! We don’t have to worry about resorting to STRAIGHT after all!
Ling Tong tries to beat off the generics with his Boomerang, but accidentally strikes Guan Yu instead.
Guan Yu: Aagh, I’m feeling uncontrollably aroused!
HARD GAY energy begins to take over Guan Yu’s body. He tries to take Lu Xun by force.
Ling Tong: Lu Xun, resist him- I won’t marry you if you’re tainted goods!
Lu Xun: Activate Pleasure Ranger powers! Ranger Red!
Lu Xun fights Guan Yu, who has become some kind of Mutant of the Week. Ling Tong runs to intervene.
(Guan Yu: This boy’s feminine looks remind me of Liu Bei!)
Guan Yu’s HARD GAY energy dissipates.
Guan Yu: My boss battle must end now, and so I will randomly give you directions to Zhuge Liang. Hurry, before the raging beast between my legs awakens again.
Lu Xun and Ling Tong run off.
(Guan Yu: I’m going to have a hell of a time explaining this in anger management class.)
To be continued…