Dear Azure Flame readers, it seems that a curse has come upon this blog- even before the whole domain name trouble that blighted the weekend. So many people searched for questionable search terms that I had to share them with you via Tuesday Rumble, only for me to be banished to Google Hell because of the repeated occurrence of said terms. For that reason, I shall duly censor my search terms from now on, whilst keeping them as hilarious as ever- and you perverts who searched for them in the first place can go to heck and face the fury of Santa.
Crocheting: the manga
Tuesday Rumble is a piece traditionally inspired by random comments from others, and so today I would like to draw on the words of 0rion from Epic Win’s Kaiji 12-14 post–
“Fukumoto is a frickin’ genius! He could probably make a crocheting contest seem gripping and intense”
With this in mind, there seemed no better time to imagine a world where he had indeed created such a crocheting manga- and so I present to you “Crochet Master Gon”, a tale of daring and betrayal in the world of crochet.
Once the province of grannies and people with nothing better to do, crochet has somehow become popular amongst the yakuza, who take their lace doilies and table cloths very seriously- so much so that they aren’t impressed when twenty-three year old Gon starts muscling in on their territory. With his bold new patterns and designs, Gon threatens to shake the very foundations of the crochet world, forcing the best of the yakuza to challenge him to crochet duels- man on man, needle on needle.
Upcoming arcs include-
- Doily arc: In the village hall, Gon and the yakuza sit in silence creating their lace doilies. The first person to make a sound will be disqualified, but other than that, anything goes- who will give in?
- Lace escape: Gon and his rivals must descend the sheer outer face of a high rise hotel using only crochet stitches to slowly let themselves down. Should Gon make a rope to get down quickly, or will he crochet a hammock to carry an injured friend?
- Ultimate pattern: Gon faces off against a powerful boss who insists that he follows a complicated pattern perfectly- for each mistake, a punishment game must be played.
Look out for this exciting new manga, to be followed by an anime adaptation from Madhouse- you won’t want to miss a second of nail-biting crochet action!
Shion no Ou 11
“Girl-on-girl action with three in a bed? This I gotta see!”
“Don’t worry, all the perverts out there can log onto our premium rate streaming video service.”
Ayumi worries that this HARD YURI Pleasure session will expose his status as a trap.
The pimp awaits his women.
Dragons’ Den: The Harvest Moon Experience
Welcome to a new feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll of their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?
Our latest entrant into the Den is farmer Anton from Grunty Farm, who has already made a name for himself with his successful farming business. Can his latest proposal win over the Dragons?
Anton: Hello, my name is Anton, and I’m here today to advertise the Harvest Moon experience. With this unique opportunity, customers can actually see what it’s like to run their own farm- we give them some seeds and an empty plot of land, and tell them to get started. We’ve already had some high profile customers such as Romeo of Romeo X Juliet, but we’re now looking to take our business to the next level with the aid of your investment.
Mikoto: Why would anyone want to bother with farming? I mean, you have to water all the crops and feed all the animals- and just when you’ve got it all over with and gone to bed, it’s time to get up and do it all again!
Anton: But that’s exactly what people like about it- the feeling of building up something and then tending to it in every stage of its development.
Mikoto: Anton, listen to me- I’ve read your diary and I know how much you hated the monotony too, so I’m out.
Mikoto is out already! Can Anton convince anyone that his idea is worth investing in?
Mr Tibbs: Look, Anton, as a banking sort of cat I like to stay indoors- I really don’t think an outdoor investment is for me, so I’m also out.
Aria: Punyu? [How many people do you think will be interested in this?]
Anton: Well, with the right marketing strategy, I’m sure many people will want to give it a go.
Admiral: You know, the way I see it, this is just an excuse to get people to run your farm for you.
Anton: Of course not! I genuinely want to give people a new, unique experience.
Cardinal: You know, I’m actually quite intrigued by this idea, and I’d certainly like to come onboard to help you think up new ideas and experiences beyond the basic Harvest Moon choices. All I’ll want in return is a healthy supply of meat from the farm.
Anton: Well, uh, I’m not actually allowed to slaughter my animals…
The Cardinal has made a generous offer, but Anton seems unwilling to negotiate! Is this the end of his time in the Den?
Cardinal: In that case, I think I can safely say that you won’t be getting any of us fat cats interested in your business, and so I’m also out.
Anton has failed to sell the Harvest Moon experience to the Dragons! Is there a market for real-life farming situations?
This Week in Anime
Go board spotted in Oh! Edo Rocket.
Pizza Hut continues to exert its hold over Darker than Black.
Amber tries to change her co-stars’ pizza-eating ways by introducing them to healthy apples.
New portable alternative to HORSE is discovered.
Melons prove to be a hit in Gash Bell.
Various fruits ally to recruit a new human agent.
Rubber duck prepares to commence a long, lonely journey out to sea.
Another person falls to the evils of grapes.
Oranges begin their takeover of Lucky Star.
An exclusive preview of the next arc of Akagi is screened.
*NEW* Flash Game Review: Yellow Out
I can’t help it- people show me Flash games and for brief periods of time I become addicted to them. For that reason, I must introduce them to everyone via Tuesday Rumble, starting with this puzzle game- Yellow Out. The aim of the game is to move cars back and forth in order to get the yellow car out of the parking lot, and the fewer moves you take to achieve this, the more points you’ll earn. There are sixty levels to complete, and happily if you have to shut down your computer or quickly close your window because the boss might see you, you can pick which level you want to start from (although you’ll lose all your accumulated points). Difficulty ranges from the straightforward to the frustrating, but sadly once you’ve done all sixty levels (which took me a few hours in between doing other stuff), there’s little incentive to play again. Still, it’s fun while it lasts.
Mini-rant: Gaming on mobile- what’s the point?
Last summer, in the grip of Ratchet and Clank fever, I bought R&C: Going Mobile for my mobile phone. Several minutes later, and my inability to perform simple wall jumps and swing-shot manoeuvres on level one brought my relationship with the newly purchased game to a swift yet definite demise. And I couldn’t help wondering- apart from the old classics like Snake, what exactly is there to be gained from trying to play games on your mobile?
To quote from Blackadder, “today’s fashion is towards the tiny”, and indeed the minuscule keypad of a mobile phone is hardly the place to be coordinating complex button combinations whilst squinting at tiny characters on the screen. If one desires handheld gaming, then just invest in a DS or PSP and some real games to play on them (finances permitting, of course). Perhaps I’m just bitter at having a bad experience, but let’s get real here- let’s leave mobiles to perform the function they were originally intended for.
Harem of the week: Aya Mikage (Ceres, Celestial Legend)
Since her body contained both her own soul and that of her tennyo ancestor Ceres, Aya was double the woman most others could aspire to be.
Toya: The main man in the harem, Toya was the sexy mysterious bishounen who turned out not only to be not even human, but who was actually born to find Aya.
Yuhi Aogiri: The ‘nice guy’ who always ends up being ‘just good friends’ with the lead girl.
Aki/Mikagi: Aya’s brother, he became infected with feelings of siscon after the feelings of his ancestor Mikagi took over his mind.
Kei: A manga-only character who came onto Aya.
Amusing Search Terms- now with 90% less perversion
choking scene animeblog: everyone longs to blog a choking scene.
does baileys room ever show her bare pus…: okay, this was cut-off but you get the idea.
fuck laura ramsey: Um, I’d rather not.
“burst angel” sei “her breasts: have a tendency to fall out.
was not have for but: What ho, my lord, for there is discontent upon the breeze.
what happen on october 12th?: Well, I seem to have posted a weekly round-up, I might have gone dancing, it’s all good…