Tuesday Rumble: March 25th

Superficial reasons for watching a particular series
Much as I’d like to say that every anime I watch is picked through a rigorous series of selection tests, I have to admit that it often doesn’t work that way. Therefore, this week on Tuesday Rumble, we go behind the scenes to determine those superficial things that draw me to certain series.

• Fat cats: really, what better reason could there be to watch a series than because it has overweight felines in it? It was this that brought me to Stratos 4, and kept me going with Mai-Otome.
• Title: if the mere title of a series sounds interesting, or simply vaguely like something that I already like, I feel oddly drawn to it.
• Music: a good OP sequence or soundtrack is a sure-fire way to draw one into watching a particular series.
• Promotional artwork: likewise, I’m a sucker for a nice character design, although after various eroge adaptations I’ve learned to be more wary.

So, does anyone else experience this, or am I alone in my strange need to pick series based on such flimsy reasoning?

Sisters of Wellber 13

Gernia offers a perfectly logical reason for murdering women with blue eyes.

“What else could I do except re-enact the ending of School Days?”

Erm, I hate to say this- but you’re talking to a doll.

“I shall not permit any man with a Zhuger Liang than mine to live!”

“Won’t you stay for a cup of tea?”

“Sorry, Gernia, but it’s HARD GAY time!”

Here we see the characters escaping from the burning castle by having their tower shot down- don’t try this at home.

Dragons’ Den
Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Next into the Den is Roger Smith from Big O, who is here to sell his unique selection of gadgets. The Dragons are known for liking technology which makes life easier for them, but will Roger’s selection of goodies tickle their fancy?

Roger: Hello Dragons, I’m Roger Smith and I’m here to ask for investment in my unique selection of gadgets, including the colour-change armoured car, the jet propelled suitcase, the wristwatch communicator and our main product, the Big O.

Cardinal: Hmm, I’m very interested in the armoured car, but how does the deal work? Do we get a share in all these products, as well as any future ones developed by your company?

Roger: Right now, I’m pitching for the products you see in front of you- we’d have to negotiate anything else on a case-by-case basis.

Aria: Punyu? [How much time do you intend to spend on developing new products and marketing the existing ones?]

Roger: Well, marketing is basically handled by going out in Big O and fighting giant monsters- it’s hard work, but pretty high profile.

Mikoto: Hmm, I’d like to hire you to fight the giant monsters that keep showing up in and around Wind Bloom.

Roger has an offer already, but will any of the other Dragons offer a more tempting deal?

Admiral: Actually, I’d like to use the Big O to defend the Earth against meteors.

Mr Tibbs: I hear that he once defended a bank against having its printing plates stolen, so I’m interested too.

The Cardinal: I would also like to express my interest.

Aria: Punyu. [I’ll make this easy for you- this isn’t something I can sell in Neo Venezia, so I’m out.]

Four Dragons have now made offers, but which will Roger choose?

Roger: I’d like to thank you all for your offers, and I’m sure we can work out something where we all benefit.

With his negotiation skills standing him in good stead, Roger is on the verge of making a record-breaking deal in the Den! Will the next entrepreneur fare as well?

This Week in Anime

Ever since they took centre stage in Romeo X Juliet, anime characters have been keeping a close watch on grape affairs.

New mecha design comes with inbuilt ‘melons’

Lemon trio enjoys a romantic lunch.

An apple reconnaissance squad is caught and confined to a basket after a failed mission.

How many times do I have to remind you not to get gremlins wet?

Fruit basket spotted hiding amongst the flowers.

“I have to admit I’m getting sick and tired of the apple diet.”

“Must…finish…shogi…game…before…I…die…”

Ogiue tries some Disgaea cosplay.

Another orange returns from the Antarctic mission.

Who needs an Apple when you can have a Cherry?

“Noooo- why did you eat so much cherry pie?”

“Yeah, he’s a novice at HARD GAY.”

Another victim of cherry pie addiction is discovered.

“…we won’t improve our waltz if we don’t practice every day.”

Kaiji auditions for a role in the new Alien movie.

“Coming soon to cable and satellite- When Big Butts Go Wrong.”

Flash Game Review: Chocolatier
If you love chocolate, what could be more fun than trying to revive a world renowned chocolate company? Well, lots of things, actually, but Chocolatier (deluxe trial – crippled free version) is an interesting diversion. The idea of the game is to restore the former greatness of a chocolate company by travelling the world, collecting ingredients and recipes, and then going back to your factory to create delicious products for sale. This story mode makes up half the game play, but the full version also allows you to go into the factory and set the rate of chocolate production by firing ingredients into the machine in the right proportion- the more complete sets you make, the faster the automatic production rate will be. It is this combination of action/puzzle and story mode elements that makes the game so fun, although it can sometimes be irritating when you don’t know where to go to advance the story, or you can’t remember which city to visit to pick up the cacao beans you need (especially as specialty ingredients deteriorate over time, and each ship journey to a new port costs precious cash). Nonetheless, despite these slight annoyances, the ability to play a game about delicious chocolate is well worth indulging in.

Mini-rant: Why I hate the castle levels on Samurai Warriors
Forget pseudo-intellectual arguments; this week I need to have a good old rant, unsurprisingly about the titular castle levels in Samurai Warriors. Now in fact, I haven’t played Samurai Warriors in a while, but my hatred of the castle levels remains strong, and for that reason, I shall not shy away from complaining about them.

As most will already know, the –Warriors (aka –Musou) series of games are all based on one simple gameplay idea- taking a named character and carving up hordes of enemy troops on level upon level. So far, so good- it may be repetitive, but it also happens to be highly addictive, so much so that dedicated fans will buy add-ons and minor upgrades of what is effectively the same game time after time. Unfortunately, when it came to the Samurai Warriors series, the developers decided to add a little variety- in the form of indoor ‘castle levels’.

Castle levels bring a whole new brand of evil to the game, for not only are they more strictly timed than outdoor levels (and completely lacking in the option to save in-level), but they also seem to have been designed by a uniquely cruel bunch of sadists. Whilst the time ominously ticks down in the upper right hand corner, you find yourself trapped in a maze-like construction of identical rooms, all filled with enemies and generals. You must hack and slash your way through multiple floors of the castle- all the while trying to avoid such innovations as spiked floors and various other traps- in a desperate attempt to complete the level before either your time runs out, or your precious health bar depletes to zero. You can’t even enjoy the wholesale slaughter of generics, because the stress of the time bar forces you to devote your energies to running away so that you can get through the level as quickly as possible- although of course if you then fail to kill a particular general, you’ll probably have to go back and find him to open up the passageway onwards.

Much as they were meant to be a refreshing new angle on gameplay, then, the verdict on castle levels can only be a harsh one- the are neither fun nor enjoyable, merely an evil that must be cleared as quickly as possible, and then left well alone.

Reverse Harem of the week: Kou Shuurei (Saiukoku Monogatari)
In the Land of Many Coloured Bishies, the brave and idealistic Kou Shuurei was able to amass quite a harem, whilst still leaving men over for the other female characters to choose from.

Harem
Ryuuki: Emperor of Saiunkoku, Ryuuki falls in love with Shuurei when she first comes to the palace, and pursues her from then on.
Seiran: Childhood friend and protector.
Ensei: The rough around the edges older man who is solid, dependable and supportive.
Kouyuu: Claims to hate women, but is a candidate for an arranged marriage with Shuurei.
Reishin: Shuurei’s uncle, he has an overprotectiveness towards his niece that includes vowing to marry her to keep her safe from other men.
Ryuuren: An eccentric genius who considers Shuurei one of his soul friends.
Sakujun: A creepy bishounen who falls for Shuurei’s innocent charms.
Santa: A minor character and possible arranged marriage candidate.
Tan-tan: Accompanies Shuurei in the latest arcs, his job is to counter her naïveté by showing her how the world really works.

Rivals
Jyuusan-hime: The ‘thirteenth princess’ of the Ran clan, a proposed bride for Ryuuki.