Tuesday Rumble: August 5th

Dragons’ Den

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. The Admiral’s first business venture was to invest in a Chinese restaurant, but a meteor threat to Earth saw her buy shares in ground and space based defence technology, which she currently administers with her protégé “The General” (aka Shogun). Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Braving the Den this week is John, a chef with a rather unique line of recipes to sell.

John: Hello Dragons. I’m generic chef John and I have come up with a new food line that is bound to outsell anything on the market so far! I call it the Chocolate Underground Collection!

Aria: Punyu! [Sounds great- is it a new line of rich chocolate confectionary?]

John: Uh, no- it’s actually a line of health foods based on the restrictions from Chocolate Underground. Since chocolate, vanilla, honey and pretty much every flavouring is forbidden, I’m come with a unique line of bland mushes that should satisfy every palate.

Mr Tibbs: Surely it’s possible to make tasty health foods? What about mixed fruit packs?

John: Hmm, I hadn’t considered that- but here, try this bran mush before you start complaining.

The Dragons reluctantly try John’s bran mush, but none of them seem impressed by its lack of flavour.

Mikoto: I’m not impressed by the complete lack of flavour. I don’t see this selling anywhere, and that’s why I’m out.

Aria: Punyu! [Agreed- I’m out too.]

Admiral: I made my fortune from Chinese restaurants, so I doubt there’s anyone here who knows more about food than I do- and I can tell you that you need to go back to the drawing board with this one.

Mr Tibbs: Forget the drawing board- take it straight to the bin.

Cardinal: Selling health foods to fat cats was a mistake from the start. I think I speak for all of us when I wish you a speedy farewell.

John has crashed out of the Den in flames! Will the next entrepreneur fare any better?

This Week in Anime

You can’t have a viridian cocktail without a slice of lemon.

Team A has chosen to prepare outdoor baked fish the traditional way, but impatient cooks must beware not to undercook it.

Meanwhile, Team B is preparing Unspecified Floating Brown Object Stew using a wood oven.

Members of the Orange Society have a secret meeting.

Lina tires of the prevalence of fruit in anime.

Hands up who’s thinking of that scene in Harry Potter where Sirius talks through the fireplace.

After seeing its compatriot hanged, this poor banana is about to spend its life in captivity.

If in doubt, there’s always the Harvest Moon way of life.

Don’t even ask what’s going on here.

But which is better- melons or bananas? There’s only one way to find out- FIGHT!

Melons emerge as the winner of this impromptu battle.

Why choose between different fruits when you can have them all?

Disillusioned with all the outdoor foods that are being cooked above, our critics opt for a gourmet night out instead- complete with Strawberries of Doom.

A rubber duck encourages Momoko to suggest bath HARD YURI.

“I am the destined guardian of these apples.”

“Boy, you’re wasting your life- join the orange side!”

“But beware- this is what happens to anyone who tries to leave our exclusive club.”

Anime World Tour: Toshokan Sensou

Welcome to a world where censorship protects you from all the evils that lurk in books! Never worry again that your children are indulging in unsuitable reading- everything here is safe and sanitised! We have committees working day and night to keep everything pure and acceptable to your eyes, so relax and let us take care of it! And don’t worry about those libraries- they’re just there so we can keep all the filth isolated in one place!

Harem of the week: Ukiya Shun (Gatekeepers)

As a main character with special powers, it was no wonder that Ukiya could gather women around him, but would romance take a backseat to saving the world from generic invaders?

Harem

Ruriko: The childhood friend and main girl, this tsundere hides her feelings under a veneer of anger that Ukiya remembers her as “snot-nosed Rurippe”.

Reiko: The none-too-bright rich girl.

Kaoru: The main rival, a forward girl with amazing athletic prowess.

Fei: The genius loli from China.

Yukino: The quiet and mysterious girl whose connection to the team is the only way to escape her isolated existence.

Kurogane: The smart-aleck meganekko.