Antique Bakery parody episode 3

The day of the grand opening has finally arrived.

Tachibana: Antique- open for business!

Ono: Sweet cakes and HARD GAY for all!

Eiji: Why’s it called ‘Antique’ anyway?

Unfortunately, the rain ensures a lack of customers- at least until one woman shows up.

Ono: All right, STRAIGHT boy, show me how you deal with women.

Tachibana: Why of course. Madam, is there anything you would like?

Tachibana turns up the STRAIGHT charm.

(Ono: Hmm, he’s rather skilled after all- turning him will require extra effort.)

As the customers start to flow in, Tachibana uses his STRAIGHT skills to wow the ladies, and even ends up selling twenty cakes to a male customer.

(Ono: Ah-ha, HARD GAY is creeping in even when you don’t notice!)

A car stops at the bakery and a sunglasses-wearing man gets out.

Tachibana: Oh no- this guy’s been after my body for ages!

Tachibana tries to hide under the table.

Man: Scanning…target detected.

The man finds Tachibana.

Man: Master, I live to serve.

Eiji: Who is this?

Tachibana: Ah, well- I’m actually the son of a rich family, and this man is my-

Man: I am your everything, Master!

Tachibana: No! He’s Kobayakawa Chikage- a houseboy at my parents’ place.

Chikage: How cruel- I thought we were much more than that!

Tachibana: Shut up! I was hoping that I could get away from you!

Chikage: Very well, then- I’ll content myself with stalking you from afar.

Chikage leaves.

Ono: Ah, so you were HARD GAY after all! And all this time I thought you were STRAIGHT!

Tachibana: I’m not HARD GAY! My relationship with Chikage is strictly platonic! His mother died and his father probably disappeared before that, so we’re his only family.

Ono: Well, they do say that the incidence of childhood friends becoming lovers is exceedingly high.

(Ono: I must exploit this chink in Tachibana’s armour! He’ll join the HARD GAY side yet!)

Tachibana: Well, I guess now that he’s found me we’ll have to start living together again- it’s not like I want to, but it’s unavoidable.

(Ono: Living together!? Forget about turning Tachibana, this guy could be a real rival!)

Chikage continues to wait outside in the rain.

Ono: Eiji, come out back and help me ‘pipe’ some ‘cream’.

Ono and Eiji go out to the kitchen.

Ono: Hey Eiji, would you like to do the ‘piping’ this time?

Eiji: Sure thing!

(Ono: At least this boy is well trained.)

Tachibana has a flashback to a troubled night he had as a boy, and how Chikage comforted him.

(Tachibana: No, I mustn’t fall prey to Flashback Mode! My relationship with Chikage was purely platonic! Platonic!)

Chikage: How can you keep calling what we had together platonic?

Tachibana: Aagh, where did you come from? Oh well, at least make yourself useful and buy us some lunch.

Chikage: Yes, Master!

Chikage and Eiji head off to buy lunch, but when it starts raining even harder, Tachibana decides to go after Eiji. Meanwhile, Chikage somehow manages to get his car towed away and has to return to the bakery.

Chikage: I’m sorry for causing all this trouble!

Chikage hits his head on the doorway and knocks his sunglasses off. HARD GAY energy flows out of him.

(Ono: What’s happening!? I’m falling for him! I want to resist, but my HARD GAY reflexes are taking over!)

(Chikage: What’s this overwhelming feeling of HARD GAY? I must resist- Tachibana is the only man for me!)

Ono: I, uh, I have to go!

Ono rushes out into the rain to take a cold shower.

Ono: I’m HARD GAY in the rain, just HARD GAY in the rain! What a glorious feeling, a HARD ON again!

Ono walks back to Chikage.

Ono: Chikage, I choose you!

(Chikage: But, Tachibana…no, it’s no good! I want this patissier to fill me with his exquisite cream!)

Ono: Shall we dance? I hope you know the HARD GAY two-step.

Finally, Ono realises what he is doing.

Ono: I- I’m so sorry, really, who dances in the rain these days? We should go inside, I mean to get changed, of course! Man, I’d love a nice hot bath right about now!

(Ono: Aagh, everything I say comes out HARD GAY! I’m going to scare him off!)

Chikage: I hope we can do this again sometime.

Later, Ono is drying off indoors and thinking about Chikage.

(Ono: Tachibana, I’m sorry, what have I done? I know, I’ll try the old cool act- that’ll set things right.)

But as it turns out, Chikage comes round later with flowers.

Chikage: I, er, would you like to go out to dinner with me? I thought we could go to a family restaurant.

Ono: You’re new to the whole HARD GAY dating scene, aren’t you? Anyway, what about Tachibana?

Chikage: He’s going to be late tonight- he’ll never know!

(Ono: I must resist! Tachibana is the true prize, but…)

Ono: I’ve got an idea- why don’t we skip tea and get straight down to the sex? But I have one condition- Tachibana must never know about this!

Chikage: Don’t worry- it’ll be our little secret.

To be continued…

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3 Responses to Antique Bakery parody episode 3

  1. Haesslich says:

    See? That wasn’t so hard, now was it? 😉 Look forward to Episode 4 for more… well, the captions will write themselves.

  2. kacpy says:

    Reading this is basically like watching the actual episode, lol. Guess Antique doesn’t really need parody IMO…

  3. Machi says:

    This anime just seems so wrong… There really is no need to imagine hard gay or make up hard gay scenarios they just do happen XD

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