Antique Bakery parody episode 5

At his dorm, Eiji’s former colleagues are lusting over his body.

Boxer: I want Eiji-san’s body!

Boxer #2: It’s no good- I can’t take it anymore!

The coach enters.

Coach: What’s going on here?

Boxer: Ever since Eiji-san started working at that bakery, his HARD GAY levels have increased! It’s driving us wild with lust for him!

Later that day, Eiji decides to move out.

Coach: You know, Eiji, you don’t have to leave.

(Coach: If he goes, then so does my screentime!)

Eiji: No, I really feel that I should- I don’t know why, but I keep having nightmares about get raped.

At the bakery, Tachibana has good news.

Tachibana: Hey everyone, we’re going to be on TV!

Eiji: Aren’t we already on TV?

Tachibana: Not like that! We’re going to be featured on Housewife’s Pride for being the gayest bakery in Japan- no, the world! And what’s more, there are two female announcers coming round, which will crush all the rumours of my being a part of that HARD GAY!

Soon after, two women from Odaiba TV visit the bakery.

(Tachibana: Ah, how refreshing it is to see the female form.)

(Ono: Oh my god, they have something on their chests! I can’t take this!)

After they sample the cakes, the women leave.

Ono: Aagh, that was such an ordeal! I just can’t handle women; knowing that down there they don’t even have so much as an Ezo really stresses me out.

Tachibana: Get with it, Ono- women make up half the population.

The next day, the four main characters meet up to check out the department store where they will be selling cakes.

Tachibana: Okay, as the most important characters, Ono and I will be on the department store team. Chikage and Eiji, you’ll be in the background at the main bakery.

Ono: But- there are women at department stores!

Tachibana: Well, who knows, maybe you’ll turn STRAIGHT. I know I’m looking forward to getting out of this HARD GAY atmosphere!

Unfortunately, as they search for their booth at the store, they are confronted by men from other bakeries.

Nakai: Damn you, Ono! Your HARD GAY powers wrecked my career!

Tachibana: Oh, get real- this series is becoming more ridiculous all the time!

Ono: More importantly, this kitchen is on show- I can’t make delicious pastries if women are watching!

Tachibana: Just leave the ladies to me.

As it turns out, however, Tachibana gets a stye in his eye and can’t work.

Chikage: I could be on the department store team- although I’m low-level and might not be up to the task of handling so many ladies.

(Ono: Great- just great).

Celebrity Masterchef challenge- start! Today on Masterchef, our two teams have to make delicious cakes for their customers. First up are Eiji and Tachibana.

Eiji: It’s no good- the mousse is separating!

It’s a disastrous start for Eiji, whose lack of actual cooking experience is beginning to show through. He’ll have to start again- but with only minutes left, will he make the deadline?

Meanwhile, at the department store, Ono is facing a different challenge- he may be a skilled patissier, but will the presence of female customers throw him off his stride?

Ono: There’s too many X chromosomes around here! I can’t take it!

Chikage: You think you’ve got problems- I’ve got to take off my sunglasses!

Chikage removes his sunglasses, letting the HARD GAY power flood out.

Ono: HARD GAY levels returning to normal- I think I can work now!

Ono manages to make his way through a crowd of women.

Ono: Excuse me, but can I have an earring? I think I need Otome powers to get through this.

Back at Antique, Eiji is still having problems.

Tachibana: It’s not good- we’ll have to go without the cassis.

Eiji: If we do that, we’ll get marked down and the department store team will win! I’m not going to give up my chance to become Celebrity Masterchef!

Meanwhile, Ono gets a silver stud from somewhere.

Ono: Activate Otome GEM! Generic Silver Stud!

With the Otome powers, cooking for women becomes easy.

Chikage: Ono, I can do it! I can talk to women!

Eiji has also magically managed to complete his challenge. Both teams have done well in this round of Celebrity Masterchef, but who will take the title?

Celebrity Masterchef challenge- complete!

Eiji: Hey, Tachibana, did you start this cake shop in order to catch your kidnapper?

Tachibana: Of course not- what a ridiculous reason to start a cake shop! You might as well say that I was doing this to overcome a fear of strawberries!

Meanwhile, Nakai apologises to Ono.

Nakai: I realise it’s stupid falling out with a main character- and besides, you’re just too sexy to hate for long.

At the end of the day, Ono faints into Chikage’s arms.

Ono: The presence of women has drained my HARD GAY energy- please replenish me, Chikage.

Chikage: Of course.

Later that evening, everyone is back at Antique when Eiji’s coach shows up.

Eiji: Coach, what are you doing here?

Coach: I’ve figured out a way to get my screentime back! I’ll just come here for cakes!

Eiji: But you hate cakes.

Coach: I’d even eat dirt if it meant I could get screentime!

Coach eats a cake and weeps tears of joy.

Coach: Eiji, since you can cook like this, you can live with me forever!

Eiji: Coach, I’ll always be your lover, but I need to mature and try different types of HARD GAY before I return.

Tachibana: Hey Eiji, since you’ve moved out of the dorm, I’ll let you live upstairs.

(Ono: And he says he isn’t HARD GAY?)

To be continued…