Tuesday Rumble: September 2nd

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei: the lost chapters

Class has begun, but Sensei is nowhere to be seen, and in his place is a crudely made replica.

Chiri: What is this?

Kaede: I can’t be taught by a fake! I’ll sue!

[Meru: What a stupid reproduction.]

Sensei appears from nowhere!

Sensei: This is the new, automated Sensei! In an age where humans are alowly being replaced by robots, we must move with the times!

Chiri pokes at the reproduction with a stick and the head falls off.

Sensei: Zetsubou shita! This world of callous automation has left me in despair!

  • Automated phone systems- press one to advance.
  • Self-service checkouts.
  • The possibility that many TV celebrities are just androids.
  • New robot that can perform surgery.
  • Computers secretly gaining sentience.
  • Movies about robotic rebellions.

Shion no Ou 22

Apart from the obvious Pleasure jokes, he’s complaining about injuring his hand whilst murdering Shion’s parents- obviously she should appreciate the trouble he went through.

“Pleasure! I must have more Pleasure!”

“It’s like a drug to me!”

“I want to be a part of this orgy!”

“There’s no point in holding back and not getting satisfaction.”

“Pleasure is as much about your partner as yourself.”

Dragons’ Den

Welcome to our regular feature based on the TV program of the same name, in which anime characters try to market their great idea to five fat cats of anime! President Aria made his fortune in the gondola industry of Neo Venezia, and is now CEO of a well-known company. Mikoto started her business in the capital of Wind Bloom, and is now a trusted advisor to the queen, with business partners scattered across the world. Nyanko-sensei is a contract expert who made his fortune in the supernatural business, and whose sharp observations and ruthless manner make him a formidable businessman. Mr Tibbs started his career as a tea cat for the bank, but his sound grasp of finance saw him rise up the ranks until he became one of their most prominent managers. Finally, The Cardinal is the world’s most powerful fat cat, with a wide range of business interests that ensure that he has a paw in every pie (often literally, depending on his appetite). These five cats represent some heavyweight investment clout in every sense of the word, but is any deal attractive enough to get them to roll off their backsides and shake paws with a budding entrepreneur?

Entering the Den this week is Keiichirou Tachibana, who is looking for investment in his Antique Bakery business, offering a unique mixture of delicious cakes and HARD GAY. Is the way to a Dragon’s heart through their stomach?

Tachibana: Hello, my name is Tachibana, and I’m the proprietor of Antique, a bakery offering cakes crafted by an expert Paris-trained patissier.

Mikoto: I won’t deny that we all like a good cake, but what sets your bakery apart from the thousands of others in the world?

Tachibana: Simple- no other bakery is as HARD GAY as mine.

Aria: Punyu. [That doesn’t sound like much of a selling point to me.]

Tachibana: I assure you that we appeal to the ladies too.

Tachibana puts on his best smile, but can the hard hearts of the Dragons possibly be softened?

Mikoto: Not only do you not appeal in the slightest, but as a royal cat, I can have my food delivered. What would make me want to order from your company?

Tachibana: Here, taste this.

The Dragons are offered a selection of cakes, which quickly vanish into their stomachs.

Cardinal: Hmm, not bad.

Nyanko-sensei: It’s a bit sweet for me- do you have any savoury dishes?

Tachibana: We’re about to launch our new savoury range in the New Year.

Cardinal: To be honest, the idea of investing in a bakery is interesting, but this is too HARD GAY for my image, so I’m out.

Aria: Punyu! [We already have many good cake shops in Neo Venezia, so I don’t think there’s room in the market for this.]

Mr Tibbs: Are you planning to go down the franchise route when it comes to opening more bakeries?

Tachibana: I hadn’t really thought that far ahead.

Mr Tibbs: Wait a minute- you’ve come here to ask for money from us and you don’t even have a proper business plan!? I’m disgusted, and I’m out.

Tachibana has failed to impress the Dragons, and three are out already. Will either the sceptical Mikoto or new Dragon Nyanko-sensei bite?

Mikoto: Yours is a small business, and with any luck, it will stay small- which is why I’m out.

Tachibana: Nyanko-sensei?

Nyanko-sensei: Tell me a bit about yourself- how did you get to this point?

Tachibana: Well, to be honest, I don’t like sweet things, but many years ago I was kidnapped by a man who force fed me cake. Thanks to that experience, I quit my job in the City and opened a bakery.

Nyanko-sensei: You don’t even like cakes?

Tachibana: Uh, no, not really.

Nyanko-sensei: Well, I can’t invest in someone who doesn’t believe in his own product, and that’s why I’m out.

Tachibana has lost all the Dragons, and must leave the Den with nothing. Without a sound business, even the sweetest cake won’t go down a treat with these investors.

This Week in Anime

Kazuki loses his nerve when confronted by yet another bowl of strawberries (okay, it’s the same bowl as last week).

“We are the strawberries…of DOOM!”

“Take that, strawberries of DOOM!”

During Hyper Self Pleasure, one man hasn’t grasped that you usually call out “Yes!”

Pineapple and cherry meet in a strange blue cocktail.

“His name was…Superman!”

No strawberry shall escape divine justice!

An evil rubber duck is capsized.

Zetsubou shita!

These oranges have no idea what lies in store for them.

“I can’t help it- I hate the smug looks on their faces!”

Just stop torturing those innocent oranges!

Flash Game Review: Monkey Puzzle

A game I discovered some ten years ago on the now defunct Games Domain, Monkey Puzzle is based on the typical “connect three of the same colour” game class. As the water rises, your only hope of escape is to launch different coloured coconuts into the air in an attempt to bring down the monkeys that block your path. Although the pattern of each level is identical, precise skill and timing is increasingly required as you progress in the game, and by level ten or eleven, the water is rising continuously- so woe betide anyone who makes even the tiniest of mistakes!

Harem of the week: Shinkurou Kurenai (Kurenai)

A high school student with a dangerous part-time job, Shinkurou was thrown in at the deep end when he had to become bodyguard for Murasaki, the escaped daughter of the Kuhouin family.

Harem

Murasaki: The main girl and obligatory loli. The series just about manages to make the relationship between them seem sweet rather than inappropriate.

Tamaki: Flatmate and outgoing university student with a reputation as a man-eater. Her bold personality hides deep seated insecurities.

Yamie: Goth girl who only dresses in black.

Benika: Older woman, mentor and teacher to Shinkurou.

Yayoi: Benika’s deputy, she watches over Shinkurou and Murasaki from the shadows.

Ginko: Schoolmate with a love of computers and an ability to nose out any scrap of information.

Yuno: Schoolmate and sparring partner; helps Shinkurou to train and strengthen himself.

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