Antique Bakery parody episode 6

Through the magic of television, we’ve jumped ahead to several months after Antique’s opening. Everything is perfect, and everyone is happy.


Or not, because a new HARD GAY man is in town, and he’s packing red roses! He enters Antique, and one can almost hear the strains of Bach’s Toccata.

Man: Bonjour, je suis HARD GAY.

Tachibana: Oh, for goodness sake; Ono is working right now- he’ll service you later.

Ono emerges from the kitchen.

Ono: Ah, it’s my old teacher Jean Baptiste! He’s French, you know.

Jean Baptiste experiences a RAGING HARD-ON just from seeing Ono’s face.

Jean: All right, down to business- show me your Liang, er, I mean cakes. The Liang will come later.

Ono prepares some cakes for Jean Baptiste.

Jean: Hmm, not bad- I’ll give you 7/10 for the cakes, and 10/10 for HARD GAY.

Tachibana: What the hell is this guy doing here?

Jean: Hmm, is this your new lover, Yusuke? He’s not much of a catch.

Tachibana: Shut up! I’m not even HARD GAY!

Later, Ono is just about to go into his apartment when Jean Baptiste accosts him with a kiss.

Jean: Now, let’s see how you’ve progressed in the bedroom. Fancy letting me inside- in every sense of the word?

As they go indoors, Ono is sucked into a Flashback Mode about his days under Jean.

Jean: I have to warn you, I’m a passionate man- I may get a bit rough in the bedroom.

Ono: Yes, master.

Jean: No, not like that- like this! Here, use your hands to warm me up and then take me from behind!

Ono: Yes, master.

Jean: Yusuke, I may treat you harshly, but that’s only because I love you- you do know that, right?

Back in the present, and the couple are already in bed.

(Ono: Aagh, he took advantage of my Flashback Mode to have his way with me! I wasn’t even paying attention to how good it was!)

The next day, Ono and Eiji are in the kitchen.

Eiji: So, this guy is another ex-lover, eh?

Ono: Well, it would be more appropriate to call him a teacher- he taught me everything I know about Western style HARD GAY.

Eiji: So, how did you break up?

Ono: I, uh, got him pregnant- and then he lost the baby.

Eiji: Well if that’s the case, what’s he doing here?

Ono: Could you stop being so obvious about advancing the plot with your questions?

Ono slips into another Flashback Mode, this time about the previous night.

Jean: Ono, I need you to work under me once again- as my most trusted rent boy, you’d earn three times more than what that Tachibana’s paying you!

Back in the present, Ono wonders whether to hand in his resignation.

Ono: I know I’d have to forfeit my role as a main character, but I don’t know if I can pass up the opportunity for a massive pay rise and the best HARD GAY of my life!

Eiji: You can’t go! Narrative convention won’t let it happen- will it?

Tachibana: Oh, let him do what he wants.

(Tachibana: This is bad! I wonder if I can go on Dragons’ Den to ask for more money.)

After work, Tachibana takes Ono out for coffee.

Tachibana: All right, all right- you got me! I’ll turn HARD GAY if it means you won’t leave.

Ono: Actually, I wasn’t really going to leave- I won’t get any screen time in Paris! And now that Chikage’s on the scene, I don’t even fancy you that much.

Tachibana: You what!? Er, I mean, that sure is a relief.

Ono: Of course, Jean will probably get rough if I refuse, but I’ve never been a man to play it safe in the bedroom.

The next day, Ono is suspiciously late for work.

(Tachibana: Oh no- what if he was killed in a crime of passion?)

Tachibana: I’d better go and check on him.

Chikage: I’m coming too- I’ve had barely anything to do this episode!

At his apartment, Ono lies bruised and beaten on the floor whilst Jean sits in the corner. Finally, Ono awakens and gets dressed.

Jean: Why won’t you think it over? A pay rise, a permanent lover, regular beatings- what more could you want?

Ono: Screentime?

Jean: But everyone’s laughing at this series for being so HARD GAY! You’ll be taken seriously in France- they don’t call it Gay Paris for nothing!

Ono: I’m sorry.

Jean grabs Ono’s hand.

Jean: Well, if I can’t have you, no one can! Let’s see how well you cook once I break all your fingers!

Jean grips Ono’s right hand, but fortunately Chikage and Tachibana enter through the conveniently unlocked door.

Chikage: Get away from my Ono!

Ono: No, don’t hurt Jean!

Tachibana: We’ve magically talked this over off screen- Jean realised his place as a minor character and is no threat now.

Jean magically disappears.

Tachibana: Well, I’m off now- you two can have quick HARD GAY but then I want to see you back at work.

Chikage: Ono, are you all right?

Ono: I’m used to being beaten- I’m sure it was my fault anyway.

(Chikage: This is a textbook case of domestic violence! I must break Ono out of this vicious circle!)

Ono finally shows up at work.

Eiji: How dare he hurt Ono like this? I’ll put him in his place!

Ono: Eiji, you should eat Jean’s cakes- once you see how delicious they are, you’ll forgive him his violent outbursts.

Ono thinks back to Jean’s earlier unseen departure.

Ono: I admit that I only work as a patissier to make money for HARD GAY, but I finally have an apprentice who cares about cakes. I must teach him all I know in preparation for the spin-off series “Antique Bakery II: Full Throttle”.

Back in the present.

Ono: Anyway, enough of that- time to think up a winter menu!

Tachibana: And as an incentive, here’s your paycheque!

Eiji: Oh, I don’t need mine- just give it to Ono.

Tachibana: Why, are you rich or something?

Eiji: No- I’ve already given my life savings away. I don’t understand why people say you need money to live; it’s not like you can eat or drink it.

Ono: Anyway, moving on…I’d just like to say that I was really scared when I thought Jean was going to destroy my right hand- I thought I’d never be able to have Hyper Self Pleasure again!

Tachibana: Never mind that- I see you’ve become more comfortable around women lately. I’ll STRAIGHTen you out before you know it!

To be continued…

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2 Responses to Antique Bakery parody episode 6

  1. issa-sa says:

    “I don’t understand why people say you need money to live; it’s not like you can eat or drink it.”
    Somehow that line cracked me up the most. (Hit my stingy part the hardest XD)

  2. anna says:

    Wait, wait, wait. Tachibana actually offered to sleep with Ono? NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Say it ain’t so!

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