Ginga Densetsu Weed parody: episode nineteen

In the depths of Gajou (a place that seems much larger on the inside than the outside, not dissimilar to the TARDIS but without the whole time travelling thing), Hougen is not too pleased with Kamakiri.

Hougen: You fool, why did you run away? You should have got pointlessly massacred!

Kamakiri: The thing is, Hougen, that whole approach is a bit short-sighted- if our forces keep dying, good will defeat us easily well before episode 26, and the rest of the series will have to be spent in the hotsprings.

Hougen: I suppose you have a point, but I am evilz- so if you fail me again, I will eat you.

Cut to Weed’s party- a pair of random Hougen dogs standing beside a river call out for their help.

Keri: You have to help us; Toube is alive and being pulled downriver by the current!

Kyoushiro: Wait, aren’t you all on the side of EVILZ? Why should we help you?

Weed: Remember to code of good, pure-heartedness- we must help anyone who is in trouble.

The rescue takes place offscreen, and we cut to the Ohu northern fortress (nope, I didn’t know they had such a thing either).

Toube: I hope you realise that rescuing me doesn’t change anything. Hougen may have tried to kill me, but this isn’t Three Kingdoms- I need at least two days before I decide to change sides.

Musashi: Toube, is that you? I conveniently know you from the past, so let’s enter Flashback Mode together!

Scene dissolves to flashback.

Musashi: Back in the old days, when I was a fighting dog, I faced off against Toube in the finals of a tournament (shounen action series must always have tournaments aplenty). Our fight lasted the equivalent of four anime episodes, but in the end I was so happy and excited that I just lay down and let Toube win.

Back to the present.

Toube: Winning because you lay down means nothing to me. I can only be satisfied with a good ripping-apart kill.

Weed: Toube, regardless of your past or your allegiances, stay here and rest up.

Toube: I cannot! I must go and rip out Hougen’s throat, or more likely die in the attempt.

Toube tries to get up, but collapses.

Toube: Then again, maybe not.

Two days later, and everyone at the fortress is gathering food. Keri and the other random Hougen dog decide to leave.

Keri: Well, we’ll be on our way, then. By the way, you should really know how EVILZ Hougen is- he’s eaten other dogs and even his former owner.

GB: Do we really need to know that? The viewers have already seen that in flashback, and we were going to fight him anyway.

Keri and random dog depart.

Kyoushiro: Should we really let them go and compromise the safety of this base?

Weed: It’s okay; I trust them implicitly, as I trust everyone.

A short way away…

Keri: Okay, let’s go and inform ay, let’… depart. anyway.n flashback, and is- he’safety of this base?

happy and excited that I just lay down and let THougen about the Ohu northern fortress, since he’s bound to promote us and not, as all prior evidence suggests, rip our throats out.

Jerome appears and pins Keri.

Keri: Who- who are you?

Jerome: I am Jerome, self-appointed leader of the Ohu Black Ops Division. Now since I’m currently trying to the learn ways of merciful heroism, I’ll let you off with a warning this time.

Back at the fortress, Toube is unimpressed with the bird GB gives him to eat.

GB: You may be a former general of evilz and all that, but never mind, I’ll go and get you a nice nutritious snake- everyone knows that snake meat is good for you.

GB unsuccessfully hunts for a snake before finally settling on a rat. As he goes to catch it, however, he runs into a trio of Hougen minions.

GB: Oh no, I’ve wandered too close to Gajou- er, I mean, I’m just a Hougen underling named JinBei, a name totally unrelated to GB.

Minion: Come on, let’s get back to Gajou. I’ll show you the way.

GB has no choice but to follow them back to Gajou. Somewhere along the way (offscreen), he picks up a snake.

Minion: Come on, let’s go and deposit this food in Hougen’s stash.

GB: So what exactly was the point of my getting this snake if I’m just going to have to leave it here.

GB follows the minions into Gajou and leaves the snake behind. On the way out, he gets lost in its inexplicably complex interior, and spots Gin.

GB: Leader, is that you? We always knew you were being held prisoner by Hougen, and now we know that you’re being held prisoner by Hougen- this changes everything!

Guard: Get out of here, suspicious dog.

GB goes outside; he is about to slip away when he runs into Sasuke.

GB: Sasuke! The writers finally remembered you! Did you ever find your owner?

Sasuke: Actually, I was drafted into the Hougen army as an excuse to get me back in the story.

The minions randomly show up.

Minion: Hey JinBei, how’s it going?

Sasuke: JinBei? I thought your name was GB.

GB: Uh, no, not at all.

Minion: Now that you mention it, he does look an awful lot like GB from the Ohu army- under normal circumstances we wouldn’t know who the hell he is but we’ve seen him 19 times in the OP already.

GB: Since I’m only a Level 11 fighter, initiate Escape Mode!

GB and Sasuke start running. Meanwhile, back at Ohu fortress, Weed is getting worried about GB.

Kagetora: What’s to worry about? He’s probably stuffing his face somewhere.

Weed: What if he gets in trouble? You know he hasn’t mastered any Special Abilities. Let’s go and find him- it shouldn’t be hard if we turn the area map on.

Indeed, GB and Sasuke are in trouble, but never fear, for as they are about to get owned, Weed, Ken and Kagetora join the active party. The battle is over in one turn.

Weed: To those who underestimate the value of levelling up, I say “behold”!

Sasuke: Weed, is that you? You’ve come a long way, as befits a main character.

Weed: Sasuke, ever since you disappeared between episodes one and two, I’ve keenly felt the absence of your name on my stone tablet.

Sasuke: This time, I’m back for good, that is provided the writers don’t forget about me again.

Weed: Let’s get back to our fortress.

Back at the fortress:

GB: Hey everyone, I went to Gajou and saw Gin.

Various dogs: GB, your pointless mission gives us a much clearer picture of how to go about the final fight- we have such respect for you now.

Sasuke: Oh, and by the way, he’s Weed’s godfather.

Everyone is impressed.

GB: Of course it was my intention all along to carry out a dangerous and difficult mission.

Weed: Now that we know where Gin is, planning the final battle becomes much easier. I’m not sure how exactly, but we have to make GB feel useful.

Meanwhile, Toube seems to have recovered.

Toube: Now listen to me- you and I share the same goals, we’ll be fighting on the same side, and my name will be on the stone tablet, but officially I won’t have joined your party, okay?

Weed: That’s fine. I’ve learned the error of trying to actively recruit people; they all come to me in the end.

Next episode: the final fight part one, already? What about the other three generals of evil and Kamakiri mid-boss? I demand resolution!

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