Utawarerumono parody episode 9

Hakuoro here. I have encountered two more women –Urotorii and Kamyu- who would make excellent additions to my harem. To that end, I have devoted my energies to integrating them with the other harem members, whilst Benawi and his HARD GAY division see to the trifling matter of running the country. Unfortunately, Urotorii and Kamyu have since returned home, but I know they will not be able to resist my charms for long…

A delegation from Shikeripetim arrives at the castle.

Underling: Emperor Niwe demands that you immediately surrender to us!

Hakuoro: Now wait just a moment, I worked hard for this harem, er, I mean empire! At least give me a few days to stall for time.

The underlings are placated and ride away.

Hakuoro: Uh, Benawi, who are Shikeripetim anyway?

Benawi: They are the country right next to ours, sir, and a major power at that. Hakuoro: Oh, really? I hadn’t heard of them before today.

Oboro: Me neither, come to that.

Whilst Hakuoro and the others plan what to do, the underlings report back to Niwe.

Niwe: This ‘Hakuoro’ person sounds interesting. I must convince him to become my HARD GAY partner.

That night, the Shikeripetim forces are spotted advancing on Tusukuru. Hakuoro draws up a plan and dispatches Benawi and the others to enact it.

(Hakuoro: Benawi, Kurou and Oboro can do the manual labour- that is what they are there for.)

Meanwhile, Hakuoro summons the merchant.

Hakuoro: I need you to procure me a certain item- can it be done?

Merchant: It won’t be easy, but as you and Benawi are my best customers for exotic items, I’ll do my best.

As the merchant leaves, Eruruu appears.

Eruruu: Hakuoro-sama, did you just order the ‘forbidden medicine’?

(Hakuoro: I have heard it is a powerful aphrodisiac, and must try some for myself.)

Hakuoro: Eruruu, it is for the good of the country.

The Shikeripetim forces advance on a storehouse that Hakuoro’s people have abandoned. They take control of it.

Kurou: Why would the Emperor just let them have it?

Benawi: Do not worry, Kurou, as the forces of good we undoubtedly have some master plan.

(Benawi: I’m practically running the country, and still Hakuoro doesn’t tell me everything.)

Later, Hakuoro rides out on a new mission. Aruruu wants to come along.

Hakuoro: Aruruu, how many times must I tell you that I don’t want you in danger? Besides, your insanely powerful tiger must not be used too much, or it will ruin the plot.

That night, the Shikeripetim forces attack. Benawi leads a counter strike.

(Benawi: You fools, generic characters with low stats are no match for us!)

Meanwhile, Oboro, Dorii and Guraa infiltrate the Shikeripetim stronghold.

Oboro: At last, we get some HARD GAY time together.

Dorii: That can come later, master- first we should complete our mission.

Back at the castle, Eruruu grinds some herbs.

Eruruu: I must make sure I always have tea ready for Hakuoro-sama.

(Eruruu:…although to be honest, I wish I got to do more than serve tea and stand around looking worried all the time.)

Whilst Oboro and the twins complete their mission, Benawi fakes a retreat, leading the Shikeripetim forces into battle with Kurou’s squad.

Kurou: Anyone who wants to be HARD GAY with Benawi will have to get through me first!

Kurou ends up battling a Niwe underling, only to do badly when the other two underlings arrive.

Underlings: Delta Attack!

Benawi: Not so fast- get your hands off my Kurou!

Benawi rescues Kurou.

Benawi: How many times do I have to tell you, Kurou? With stats as low as yours, you should be careful!

Meanwhile, Hakuoro watches the battle from afar.

(Hakuoro: In the game, it was game over if I died, so I must always stand well back from the front lines.)

Eruruu and Aruruu approach.

Hakuoro: I thought I told you to stay at home.

(Eruruu: I had to see if he was using the forbidden love potion to seduce anyone else!)

Eruruu: Oh, I was just worried about you!

As Haku and the girls watch, the Shikeripetim storehouse explodes.

Hakuoro: Behold the power of the forbidden love potion- even buildings literally explode with passion!

(Hakuoro: …of course, I have killed hundreds, but they were just nameless generics- who even cares about them?

A retreat is called for the Shikeripetim forces.

Underling: It would mess up the plot if we continued to fight, so we’re going to retreat for now.

(Hakuoro: Ah, the enemy is retreating. Now it should be safe enough for me to ride down there.)

Hakuoro: Stay here, girls.

Eruruu: Please, Hakuoro-sama, let us come with you.

(Eruruu: You know we’re going to follow you anyway.)

Hakuoro: Oh, okay then, I suppose Mukkuru has a high enough defence to keep you safe.)

Hakuoro and the others ride down to join the battle and slay the last few generics. Just as it seems they are done, Niwe appears from the flaming wreckage of a building.

Niwe: Gwakakakakakakaka!

Niwe attacks Hakuoro and a duel begins.

Eruruu: Hakuoro-sama!

Hakuoro: It’s okay, it’s just a cut scene battle- I can’t die!

Niwe: How about it, Hakuoro? Do you want to become my HARD GAY whipping boy?

Hakuoro: I haven’t worked this hard on building a harem just to become HARD GAY!

Niwe: Oh, okay then, I’ll just walk back into this fire and vanish for a few episodes.

Niwe retreats. Will our hero be able to counter this new threat? Find out next time.