Utawarerumono parody episode 12


Hakuoro here. After putting together a respectable harem, my castle was attacked by the forces of Kuccha-Keccha, and their jealous leader, Orikakan. Orikakan claims to know about my sordid past, but I cannot worry about that now, for I must engage the services of Touka, his talented Evinkuruga warrior…

Generic warriors randomly slash at each other.

Orikakan: Charge!

Soldier: Sir, are you sure you should charge? You are only a mid-boss with one health bar!

Ori charges towards Hakuoro, but Karura presses the attack. Touka joins the battle to defend Ori.

Touka: Let’s have a battle between decent playable characters!

Karura: Fine with me, but why are you working for that aging Lord of the Rings elf-wannabe anyway?

(Touka: She has a point.)

Touka: Orikakan, we should retreat for now. Your stats are too low for a prolonged battle.

Orikakan’s forces retreat.

Oboro: Let’s go after them and finish this arc quickly.

Benawi: I’m afraid we have to retreat too- look at the state of the generics.

All the generic soldiers start groaning and looking injured on cue.

Back at the castle, the harem and the HARD GAY division meet up to discuss Hakuoro.

Eruruu: Aruruu and I were able to use our ‘special skills’ to get Hakuoro-sama to sleep.

Elsewhere, Oboro is angry and frustrated. Dorii and Guraa watch.

(Dorii/Guraa: If only young master would let us soothe his anger with some HARD GAY.)

Meanwhile, Hakuoro is caught in the throes of a nightmare.

Hakuoro: No! I wasn’t the molester! The police acquitted me! There was no proof!

Hakuoro wakes up in his bedroom. Eruruu is watching over him.

(Hakuoro: Faithful Eruruu, I wonder if she’ll bring me tea.)

Eruruu: You must keep your strength up, Hakuoro-sama. I’ll get you some food.

(Hakuoro: Even better! She is well trained now.)

Later, a HARD GAY team led by Oboro, Dorii and Guraa goes out to track Kuccha Keccha. They come face to face with Touka.

Touka: What’s this- some kind of HARD GAY picnic?

Oboro: How dare you insult HARD GAY!

Oboro charges at Touka.

Touka: You fool; in the game, your stats were higher, but in the anime, our positions have been reversed!

Everyone else stands around whilst Oboro and Touka have a one-on-one duel. Touka easily outclasses Oboro.

Touka: Tell your master that it will take more than a few HARD GAYs to make me join his harem.

Oboro returns to the castle.

Hakuoro: So, you failed to recruit Touka for my harem?

Kurou: Pathetic. I would have easily managed it.

Kurou and Oboro start arguing over who is worthier of Benawi’s love.

Benawi: The important thing now is to recruit Touka for the Emperor, and also find a way to defeat the Kuccha Keccha forces.

The named characters survey a map of the area, and decide that Kuccha Keccha must be using a hidden bridge to travel quickly across a mountainous area. Aruruu enters and points out the exact location of the bridge.

Aruruu: Mukkuru and I sniffed it out.

(Benawi: I don’t believe this. My entire army- upstaged by one girl and her tiger.)

Eruruu: Aruruu! How could you just leave the safety of the castle like that!

Aruruu offers Hakuoro a flower in reply.

(Hakuoro: I should scold her for putting herself in danger, but I just can’t resist Aruruu’s cuteness!)

Hakuoro hugs Aruruu.

(Eruruu: Aruruu is the greatest threat to my position as first wife.)

Hakuoro: Okay, everyone move out! Eruruu, your stats are still too low- stay here.

(Eruruu: Why can’t I be close to Hakuoro-sama? I specifically learned how to heal so that he would bring me along.)

Hakuoro’s army reaches the hidden bridge, but Touka and a party of generics are waiting.

Touka: I will give you a few points for finding this place so quickly, but I’m still not ready to join your harem!

A battle begins; Touka’s generics are slaughtered.

Touka: My generics…all gone…

Oboro: Your stats may be high, but generics are nothing to named characters like us!

Benawi: Just surrender now, don’t make things difficult like I did.

Touka: Never! I have honour and justice to consider.

Hakuoro comes forward.

Hakuoro: Excuse me, could you just tell me about Rak Shine? He wasn’t involved in any awkward incidents with underage girls, was he?

Karura comes forward.

Karura: Look, the only way to settle this is with a woman-to-woman battle- let me handle this.

Karura and Touka duel on the bridge whilst everyone else stands and watches.

Benawi: Karura, it’s almost time to get back to the castle for tea and biscuits!

Karura: Sorry, Touka, but I have to go.

Karura walks back to the end of the bridge before cutting it loose.

Touka: What are you doing?

Karura: Consider yourself lucky- in the game you were stupid enough to accidentally cut the bridge yourself.

Touka: Falls are nothing for anime characters! I will be back next episode!

Touka falls into the ravine. Everyone rides back home.

(Hakuoro: What if Rak Shine is the codename the police are using for me? I must find out more about his alleged crimes.)

That night, Hakuoro is drinking in his room when Eruruu comes in.

Hakuoro: Ah, Eruruu, you’ve arrived just in time. Could you get me some more sake?

(Eruruu: Why must I always fetch food and drink for him? But if it’s the only way to stay on top in the harem, I will do it.)

Eruruu fetches the sake and starts talking about her day.

(Hakuoro: Can’t she see that I don’t care about the trivial details of her life?)

Hakuoro: Enough of that, let’s talk about me. Eruruu, if it comes to light that I had, theoretically speaking, committed some… acts that the law frowned upon, would it change your opinion of me? I mean, I don’t remember them, of course, and they probably didn’t happen, but what if they had?

Eruruu: Hakuoro-san, you’ve always been a good harem master to me, I mean, to everyone. Of course I’ll always stand by you.

(Hakuoro: Excellent.)

Have the police finally caught up with our hero, or is it all a big mistake? Find out next time.

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