Utawarerumono parody episode 15


Hakuoro here. I have finally managed to secure Touka for my harem, but in order to safeguard the peaceful castle scenes that I love so much, I must risk both myself and my harem to dispatch Niwe, the emperor of Shikeripetim. Rumour has it that Niwe wishes to use me for HARD GAY purposes, an outcome which must be avoided at all costs…

Benawi’s forces stand at the border of Shikeripetim, in a dense fog. As the fog clears, thousands of Shikeripetim generics are revealed. Mukkuru growls.

(Benawi: Why did no one think of making an army of Mutikapas? Oh well, we’ll have to make do with what we have.)

Benawi: It looks like they’ve conveniently sent their entire army out here. That should make things easier for the Emperor.

The enemy charges. The archer unit fires their arrows.

Dorii: Magical Arrow Multiplication Mode, Redux!

Once again, hundreds of arrows are magically created. Nonetheless, the enemy continues to charge directly into arrows, pikes and named characters.

Kurou: This is what I like to see! Now I can earn some EXP!

Benawi: Kurou, do not risk yourself in battle. I need you to be well enough to attend to me tonight.

Meanwhile, Niwe sits in his castle and waits.

Niwe: Gwakaka, why bother to go out? I might as well just wait for the enemy to come to me.

And indeed, Hakuoro’s team is busy working their way towards the castle. Touka and Karura attack the enemy.

Hakuoro: Eruruu, you and I have low stats, so we must stay back.

(Hakuoro:…although I might deal a few finishing blows to gain some EXP.)

Karura faces off against Niwe’s three generals.

General: I think you’ll find that the three of us together are invincible! Everyone, slowly shuffle into position for our Delta Attack.

Karura: Do I really look worried to you?

Generals: Here we come! Delta Attack!

The generals attack- two of them stab Karura through the arms, but the third is cleaved in half by her sword. Meanwhile, the rest of the team runs into the castle, only to end up in a closed room. Zombie soldiers are released into the room.

Eruruu: What do we do? They’re walking towards us very, very slowly!

The zombies stand still and groan as Niwe appears.

Niwe: Gwakakaka, just stand there until I’ve finished my exposition! What do you think, Hakuoro- this is what happens to a weak man after a night with me! None of them were able to satisfy me, but perhaps they can show me if you have the stamina for a night of HARD GAY!

The zombies start attacking.

Touka: Everyone, surround Hakuoro so that he can’t be attacked!

Unfortunately, the zombies seem unstoppable, even as Hakuoro’s generics are killed.

(Hakuoro: This can’t be right. I cannot die here!)

Karura: This is why I stayed behind. Karura to the rescue!

Karura rips the zombies apart. All of a sudden, Touka gains the ability to do the same.

Touka: Hakuoro, leave this to us- as the main character, it is up to you to confront Niwe.

(Hakuoro: What if my stats aren’t up to it? I guess I’ll have to hope for the power of cutscene.)

Eruruu: I’ll come with you in case you need healing.

Niwe: Gwakakakaka! I’ll be waiting in my bedchamber, Hakuoro!

Niwe runs off. Hakuoro and Eruruu chase him into the throne room.

Niwe: Ah good, you’re here. A shame you had to bring the woman, but never mind. Now let’s get started, gwakakakaka!

A strange boom is heard, and outside, the town goes up in flames.

Hakuoro: What are you doing?

Niwe: Gwakakakaka, I’m burning my own country! Now everyone will blame you, and you’ll have no choice but to turn to me for some HARD GAY!

Hakuoro: Now listen to me, Niwe, I am not HARD GAY!

Hakuoro and Niwe begin fighting in cutscene, with plenty of pauses for chat.

Niwe: Just hear me out, Hakuoro. I’ve spent many years raising young men to become my partners, but all of them were lacking something. Only you, with your burning passion, could ever hope to satisfy my carnal desires! Gwakakakaka!

Hakuoro: Niwe, for the sake of everyone, I will put a stop to your annoying laugh and show that harems are much better than your HARD GAY ideals!

Hakuoro and Niwe continue to duel, until Niwe knocks away Hakuoro’s fan and comes charging towards him. Hakuoro stands and waits for him.

(Hakuoro: There’s no need for a main character like myself to run away.)

At the critical point, something stirs inside Hakuoro, and Niwe is blown back.

Niwe: Yes, that’s it- this is the kind of excitement I want from a man!

Touka and Karura arrive.

Touka: Hakuoro-dono, should we handle this?

(Hakuoro: Normally, I would stand well back, but this is a matter of principles now. I must defend my harem ways!)

Hakuoro: No, I will fight Niwe on my own.

Niwe: Then let’s retire to my inner chambers, gwakaka!

Touka: Hakuoro-dono, I think you’ll need a sword for this.

Touka tosses Hakuoro a sword, and he follows Niwe into the inner chambers. The room is on fire.

Niwe: Gwakakaka, there’s nothing like a bit of fire to really get the pulse racing! I see you brought a sword- what good thinking!

(Hakuoro: I hate to admit it, but something is stirring in me! Could I really have some HARD GAY inclinations after all?)

Niwe and Hakuoro stab their swords into each other.

Niwe: Surely by now you must see the sense in my words! There is nothing in the world more exciting than HARD GAY!

Hakuoro: So, you wanted a monster in the bedroom, did you, Niwe? I’ll show you what a monster I can be!

Hakuoro transforms into a monstrous form and attacks Niwe.

Niwe: Yes, yes, this is what I wanted! And now, you must kill me, for now that I have experienced the ultimate pleasure, there is nothing more to live for!

Monster Hakuoro turns Niwe into a splatter of blood and intestines before reverting back to normal.

(Hakuoro: What is this? Did I really turn HARD GAY? I must not talk about what happened to anyone, or I will lose all my harem credibility.)

Unbeknownst to Hakuoro, Dii is watching him.

(Dii: Hakuoro, your HARD GAY side interests me.)

Conveniently, rain starts falling outside, putting outside the flames. Somehow, Niwe’s conflagration has destroyed not only one city, but the entirety of his country. The main characters have all emerged unscathed, but what will become of them from now on? Find out next time.

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