Le Chevalier d’Eon parody episode 3


Our heroes are confronted by HARD YURI Gargoyles, who stand still and wave their weapons around.

Robin: Everyone, we need to equip our weapons before the enemy takes their turn!

D’Eon: I don’t know if I can attack these innocent victims. It might decrease my ‘upstanding moral values’ stat. Instead, let’s try to disable them without causing any lasting harm.

Teillagory: I’m not sure how much more harm can affect people with mercury dripping out of their bodies, but I’ll tone down my ‘swordplay’.

As the Gargoyles start moving forwards, our heroes try to disable them. Callon watches from the shadows.

Callon: Ah, controlling underlings from behind the front lines- this is the way all villains should conduct their business.

Robin: Everyone, we can disable our enemies by removing their control necklaces!

As the heroes start taking the necklaces, Callon decides that he must make an appearance. He attacks d’Eon.

D’Eon: This calls for special measures! Female form!

Lia takes over and uses her ‘sword’ to slice off Callon’s fingers.

Callon: How dare you!? I was supposed to rough you up a bit and then run away before I sustained any lasting damage!

Callon is taken into custody.

Later, Robin, Teillagory and Durand discuss d’Eon and Lia.

Teillagory: There’s no doubt about it. D’Eon isn’t just HARD GAY like the rest of us- he can actually become a woman!

Durand: But how does he put that lipstick on so quickly?

Teillagory: His love for his sister lets him actually turn into her- it is rare to see siscon that strong.

D’Eon wakes up and the team goes to interrogate Callon.

D’Eon: Normally, I am a pure-hearted person, but you are just too ugly to worry about. If you don’t answer my questions, I will kill you.

Callon: Oh, I suppose this is the part where I tell you everything I know for no other reason than to advance the plot. Well, sorry, but I don’t really feel like doing that.

Durand: Instead of killing him, let’s just slash his tendons. I’ll do it so that d’Eon doesn’t have to risk his morals.

Durand cuts Callons ankle tendons before the team leaves him alone.

D’Eon: Durand, you shouldn’t do things like that. Do you want the heroes’ approval rating to go down?

Durand: Look, we’re trying to be dark and mature here- that means blood has to flow sometimes.

After everyone has gone to bed, Durand returns to Callon’s room and releases him.

Durand: The plot says that I have to do this now, even if it means we have to fight you again later.

After Callon is released, Teillagory confronts Durand.

Durand: Ah, old man, would you like to cross ‘swords’ with me again?

Teillagory and Durand indulge in a HARD GAY duel before Durand runs off.

Teillagory: I’m too lazy, er, I mean old, to go after him- you do it, Robin.

Robin chases after Durand, whilst d’Eon keeps an eye on Callon as he hobbles down the street.

(Callon: I can barely progress down this street thanks to my cut tendons and the looping animation.)

Meanwhile, Robin catches up with Durand.

Robin: Don’t make me use my ‘pistol’ on you!

Durand: Sorry, Robin, but your HARD GAY isn’t nearly as enticing as the old man’s. As for my actions tonight, they were all in line with the plot- everything will become clear soon. Now I will activated OP character invincibility mode and jump off this bridge without even making a splash!

Durand jumps into the river.

D’Eon and Teillagory track Callon back to Orleans’ house, where he reports to Orleans and Saint-German.

Callon: Sir, they did not seem to know of the connection between you and the evil Russian, so I thought I’d just say it out loud now in case anyone was eavesdropping.

D’Eon: Master, let’s move in now and smite them with the power of Justice!

Unfortunately, Saint-Germain hears d’Eon drawing his ‘sword’.

Saint-Germain: Hmm, we seem to have some unwanted guests. I think I’ll deal with them by setting this place on fire.

Saint-Germain uses magical powers of evil to set the room on fire.

D’Eon: The house is on fire! I must jump into it.

(Teillagory: Aren’t you supposed to jump out of a burning house?)

Saint-Germain, Orleans and Callon escape in a carriage.

Orleans: Really, Saint-Germain, must fire be your answer to everything?

Saint-Germain: I’m sorry, but I thought we should do something flashy to establish ourselves as ruthless and evil.

Back at the house, d’Eon is still looking around the burning rooms.

Teillagory: D’Eon, what are you doing? If you burn to death, the series will end after only three episodes!

D’Eon: They must have set fire to the house to destroy some sort of evidence. If I just randomly go through the books on these shelves, I’m bound to find something in the few minutes before the whole place burns down!

Using main character plot powers of destiny, d’Eon is indeed able to find a useful book, and Teillagory even manages to save him from a falling bookcase. The pair escape the burning house and return to the inn.

(Teillagory: When I envisaged a night of burning passion with d’Eon, that wasn’t what I had in mind.)

Robin also returns.

Robin: I’m sorry, I wasn’t able to complete my mission.

D’Eon: It’s okay, Robin, I’d already suspected you might be a useless sidekick. Anyway, thanks to the convenient way everything turned out, I was able to find more important documents to point me in the right direction for the next part of the plot.

Robin: I have another important clue- a message from Durand.

D’Eon: Everything’s working out amazingly well. It’s like we’re all characters in some pre-planned linear story…oh wait, we are.

The team meets up with Durand at the crypt where Lia is being kept.

D’Eon: Durand, I knew that you were not evil- after all, our party needs four named members.

Durand: In that case, let us form a party once again and fight the evil that lies before us. I summon the King!

Louis XV enters, having been patiently waiting for the right moment in which to appear.

To be continued…

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