Jyu-oh-sei parody episode 1


Thor and Rai run through the forest of planet Chimera, chased by nameless enemies.

Generics: Those look like main characters, the natural enemy of nameless generics! Kill them!

Rai falls over as they run.

(Thor: Damn Rai, always holding me back. Still, I suppose I’d better build up audience sympathy by pretending to like him.)

Thor: It’s okay, Rai, I’ll protect you.

Begin Flashback Mode! Sometime before this, Thor and Rai were living a normal futuristic life on a distant space colony. As we join them, they are watching some sort of holographic astronomy display.

Rai: Thor, we’d better go back now, or Mama will punish us.

Thor: Rai, this is probably going to be the last time we get to enjoy a normal life before our adventure begins. We shouldn’t rush.

Rai: But look at the time index, Thor- we can’t waste any more of the series on this boring colony.

Thor: Oh, okay then.

Thor and Rai take a travel pod back home.

Thor: Whilst we’re here, let’s have a little exposition session to tell the audience everything they need to know. Erm, let’s see, out here in the colonies we only live to about 50 years old, but on Earth you can live to about 90.

Rai: Don’t forget to mention how influential out father is, and how only super-elites can go to Earth.

Thor: Oh yes, and of course, as the main character, I want to go there myself.

Rai: Naturally I’d go with you.

(Thor: Damn, even going to Earth isn’t going to be enough to get me away from him.)

When the two brothers arrive home, they are surprised to find that the power is off.

Thor: Something’s wrong. You should hide here, Rai.

Rai: No way- I’m coming too! I don’t want to be more than a metre away from you, brother.

Thor and Rai wander through the apartment until they find the dead bodies of their parents.

Rai: Mama! Oh no, who’s going to tuck me in now?

(Thor: So this is it. The main plot begins here.)

A gas canister is rolled towards the twins. It goes off, and they fall unconscious as they inhale the gas.

Instead of just killing the boys, their enemies go to the effort of loading them into a shuttle and dumping them in the jungles of the prison planet, Chimera. End Flashback Mode.

Thor and Rai escape their pursuers through the advanced tactic of running away.

Thor: Well, it looks like our RPG adventure has begun. Someone has kindly equipped me with a Beam Knife and a strange bag of a strong-smelling substance.

Rai: I didn’t get anything…I wonder why.

(Thor: It is clear which of us is the main character, you idiot.)

As Rai stands up, it is clear he has injured his ankle.

(Thor: Oh great, now I have to carry him as well.)

As they go to leave, however, a plant grabs hold of Rai.

Rai: Help me, brother!

(Thor: Why are you so useless?)

By the time Thor has removed the plant, the boys are surrounded by generics.

Generics: We clearly outnumber these inexperienced boys, so let’s stand around and talk about killing them instead of actually doing anything.

Zagi strides forward.

Zagi: Let me handle this, for I am a named character, and thus more effective than you.

The generics disperse.

Thor: Who are you?

Zagi: I am Zagi. My task here is exposition, as well as ensuring you don’t die in episode one and prematurely end this series.

Zagi leads the twins through the forest and explains that Chimera is a prison planet filled with carnivorous plants.

Zagi: You should always remember to equip Musa Sap; it’s a special item that reduces random encounters.

Thor: Oh, I have some of that, but Rai isn’t important enough to get any.

Zagi: Since you look like main characters, I’ll give you some Calypso sap. It should come in handy later on.

After retrieving the sap, Zagi and the twins move on.

Zagi: Now it’s time to move onto Lesson Two: Politics. Chimera is divided into four Rings- Blanc, Night, Sun and Ochre. To further complicate the issue, however, my generics and I do not belong to any Rings.

Thor: Who cares about that? I just want to leave.

Zagi: I’m afraid the only way to leave is to complete this RPG and become ruler of the planet.

Meanwhile, down below, Rai trips over and spills some water. The generics begin kicking him in punishment.

Thor: Stop it! Only I may beat up my useless brother!

Generic: Fine, then we’ll randomly kick you instead.

Later, Zagi talks to Thor alone.

Zagi: I think we both know how weak and useless Rai is. You should just abandon him now and go on to be the main character by yourself.

Thor: Don’t you think I haven’t considered that? If I actually do it, though, the audience might turn against me.

Zagi: Well, I shouldn’t worry too much. At night everyone suddenly turns into a harsh killer, so someone will probably knife Rai for you.

Thor and Rai continue their journey through the forest.

Rai: Thor, you’re walking too fast! Thor, I’m thirsty! Thor!!

Thor: Just shut up, will you? I can’t even be bothered to pretend to be nice to you anymore.

Rai: But I’m hot and tired- I want to go home!

(Thor: That’s it, I’ve had enough of his whining…but if I kill him, I’ll lose my approval rating. Then again, how much approval can I get whilst wearing these Heero Yui brand cycling shorts?)

Thor: Sounds like it’s time to excise the dead weight.

Thor activates his beam knife and advances on Rai.

Thor: Did you watch the OP, Rai? If you did, you should know that I appeared in it a lot more than you did. Now I will slowly advance on you.

Rai: Stop it, Thor!

Rai backs away and hurls a rock at Thor. It scrapes his face.

Thor: How dare you harm my beautiful face?

Thor raises the knife above his head, but is unable to finish the job.

(Thor: Damn, it just won’t look good on my résumé if I kill my own brother. Zagi was right, anyway, he’ll probably die soon.)

As if waiting for this exact moment, some Ochre Ring generics emerge from the bushes.

Ochre-Second: It’s okay, kids, we’re not going to kill you…we’re going to take you to our leader and then kill you.

Thor: We’re main characters, so can’t you overlook it this once? Here, I’ll show you how my knife works…I just point it in your direction, and activate the blade.

Thor stabs the generic.

Ochre-Second: Aagh, I’m too stupid to die!

Generic underling: Everyone, now’s the time to stop standing around! Get them!

Rai is captured, but Thor evades the generics. One draws a gun and starts firing, awakening a deadly plant.

Rai: Thor, you just tried to kill me, but please save me from this plant!

(Thor: I’ll run on the spot so it looks like I’m going to save him, whilst buying time for him to be eaten.)

Rai is swallowed by the plant, and soon it seems as if Thor is going to be next.

(Thor: This can’t be! I finally got rid of my brother, and now I’m going to die too?)

Fortunately, Thor is saved by a mysterious cloaked figure.

(Thor: Thank god for deus ex machina.)

To be continued…

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